That doesn't sound quite right.
What I mean is, I'm here, sitting at my computer, with something weighing on my mind, with something needing to be said, but my head hurts, the house is too quiet, I have to make Avery's lunch still, I have laundry to get to, and I want to have a bath and read before bed and it's already 9pm....
Time's a tickin'
Time's a wastin'
So, I'm blogging, even though my attention is being called other places, because I need to more then I want to.
I started this blog to keep me on track and accountable during some big life changes I am making personally, and we are making as a family. But, I am quite easily distracted, and sometimes I forget that this blog has a purpose beyond my own creative expression.
I need it.
I need it to remind me of my goals, the small ones and the big ones.
I need it to keep me sharp and on my toes, and most importantly, I need it to keep me accountable.
I need it to ensure I actually strive towards my goals, and hopefully meet some of them!
I think I talked, at least briefly, about how my belief in God, which has been gradually growing over the past few years, introduced me to the concept that Satan was indeed as real as God is. That belief was a hard one to adapt, somehow believing in God comes naturally, even in a world that thinks you're crazy for placing faith in something you can't see, but believing in his nemesis is somewhat "crazier" if you will. But, realistically, if God exists and is rallying for good and for our salvation, then it's not unreasonable to believe that Satan exists and is working and rallying for our downfall, right? Right (I think).
Anyway, my belief in God is solid, and I'm wrapping my head around the reality that Satan is invested in tearing down what God builds up. I'm getting used to the concept that the stronger and more vocal we become with our faith in God and our hope in Jesus, the more of interest we become to Satan. Non believers are of no threat to Satan's work, maybe in some instances, they help him achieve his goals. But, believers, those growing in faith and doing God's work and being vocal to others about their beliefs, they become somewhat of an annoyance to Satan, suddenly you're on his radar, and then he feels the need to intervene. This is, at least, how it has been explained to me, and I find it logical, and a little frightening.
So, if I'm growing in faith, which I am, and I am becoming more vocal, which I am, and I am working with God to build things up (which I am, haha), then is Satan now much more aware of me then he was about 2.5 years ago when I was just a "surface believer", a "ye of little faith"? Maybe. Maybe that would explain the sudden feeling of being torn down, I feel a destructive force moving through my life, and it is unsettling to say the least. I can't explain it, but I feel a "tearing down," a real negativity in my home and in my relationships, and I don't like it!
Then I read a very interesting scripture verse, where Jesus explains to Simon (aka Peter) that Satan wants to "Sift you like wheat" and that resonated with me, deeply. Is this a test now? Where we've build so much up, where my faith has grown to the degree where I can declare myself Christan and prepare for a public baptism, where I have declared my Christian marriage counseling successful and my broken marriage healed, Satan is now testing the validity off all of those accomplishments? Is Satan trying to poke holes in my success? Is he shaking my foundation to see if it is as sturdy as I say it is? Will I revert to old ways with a little pressure? Will I give and cry "uncle" with a little testing and a little pain? Hmmmmmm, interesting concept. And if we're talking the Bible, and Christianity (which we are), then it's a reasonable assumption.
It's also been introduced to me, the idea that Satan is limited. Unlike God, he can't be more then one place at one time, and he doesn't know our hearts, or our thoughts, that is to our benefit for sure. But, I have been told, that Satan has been observing people and sin for as long as there have been people, and sin, so he's pretty good at reading our faces and actions (and body language). So, our scowls and crossed arms and big huffy sighs, indicate that there's a crack by which he could get in and do some damage with in our relationships. It's also been told to me (by varying sources), that Satan uses people, like puppets, to do his work when he's bitten off more then he can chew, and that he uses mostly normal people in our lives or on our paths to trip us up and facilitate break down in his desired areas of destruction. These people, unbeknown to themselves, become little minions, or as they sometimes call themselves, unaware of the powerful meaning behind the seemingly benign tag "Devils Advocates." They get in there and they meddle and gossip and give "advice" and they "advocate" and they seem perfectly harmless, all the while they're introducing a toxin, they become a weed in your garden.
Now, all this rambling is leading some place, I promise, but seeing that this devil concept is relatively new to me, I'm still working it out in my mind as I type this, bear with me.
I've invited God into my life, and I've asked him to help me fix what I've spent years breaking.
I've asked him to teach me new ways to work my life, my parenting and my marriage, because my ways weren't working all that well.
I've partnered with Him, with my church, with my small group, with my counselor and with my husband to create a new life built on the truth and promises of Christ, and it feels fantastic. It's brought a sense of freedom and hope and insight that my life truly lacked before. Life isn't easier now, but the path, even when it's dark and winding and a little scary, is illuminated with His light.
So, here's me and God walking along doing good things in my world. Here's me telling the world that I love God and I follow Jesus, and that Christian marriage counseling works wonders, and that I'm getting baptized and life is great. And then suddenly, I'm a blip on Satan's radar.
Maybe, just hypothesizing here, maybe Satan leans back in his chair and thinks to himself, "Oh yeah Katie? You think so do you? You think your faith is so solid? You think you've solved your problems with God?" Maybe he's all smug like a mafia Don sort of vibe to him ;) And maybe he thinks "Lets just see about that!"
So, here I am going along all nicey nice with my Bible at my beside table and Church on Sundays, small group every other Tuesday and this blog to spread the news that I'm growing and learning, and Satan comes along and gives me a little shove, and I trip. I stumble and fall because of Satans influence. Maybe I tripped over anger. Or jealousy. Or bitterness. Or hate. Maybe an issue I thought was dead and buried has worked it's way back to the surface. And Satan sits back and waits with baited breath, and he's watching to see what I do next.
Now, we can stop being all hypothetical and narrative here, this is all real, it's actually happening. I felt that shove! I actually tripped and stumbled over issues I thought were dealt with. And I also tripped over my anger, jealousy, bitterness and hatred. I'm human! My ugly human emotions and sin are all still present, the difference now that I follow Jesus, is what do I do with them. And what I think Satan would be wondering, if this little narrative continued, is what will I do? Will I lash out? Will I retaliate? Will I gossip? Will I argue? Will I punish? Will I forget everything I learned in weeks of marriage counseling and in half a dozen Christian marriage books? Will I sin and sin and sin to avenge my rights and my entitlements and my heart? Well, will I?
Good thing about this scenario, is that it is literally playing out as we speak, so the decision is in play, I can make it go either way. And the good thing about this blog, is that it has a fantastic way of focusing me, helping me get to the root of the problems and really envision what's going down in my life. This real time play-by-play is helping me gain clarity, and it's helping me plan out my next move against my opposition (we have clearly laid out who that is by now right?).
There's a weed in my garden.
There's a puppet in our midst.
Seriously, there's a meddler, a trouble maker, a little seemingly benign pest in my Eden! But what can I do? This interference is bringing out all the worst in me, and clearly this "pest" is a vehicle for destruction, threatening to tear down what God and I and Elvis have been so tenderly and carefully building up the past five months.
Trust me, I want to revert, I want to become all kinds of ugly and sinful and hateful. I want to retaliate, and defend and get all huffy and defensive. I want to gossip! I want to gossip SOOOOOO bad.
But I wont.
Know what I am going to do?
What I have to do?
Pray.
That's it.
Well, pray, and trust.
Sounds absolutely terrifying doesn't it.
There's a weed in my garden!!!
A predator on the loose!
I should be reacting with five alarms, call in the army, claws out reacting!
Nope.
That's not what we do.
That's not what I have been taught in my Christian schooling I have been receiving these past few years.
That's not what God wants from me now.
He and I, and Elvis, we've partnered together to rebuild our broken lives. We've hashed it out, we've laid it all on the table, we've squared it all away and we've rebuilt. We built a new fresh life on God's solid rock of truth, and it's good. It's sturdy. We invited him in to our hearts, our lives and our marriage, and He's there in all of it.
My "house" is built on Him.
My marriage and heart are filled with Him.
I know the truth.
I'm following the way.
What God has joined together, no man (or woman) can tear apart.
We are three strands of strength, unbreakable.
That fear?
That panic?
That doubt?
That worry?
They aren't from God. God wants me to trust that He's in this. He's got this. He's got our backs and our hearts. We can trust in Him.
Those negative, self destructive emotions? They're the poke from Satan. They are his tests and his temptations. Think you're so good Katie? Well here, feel some doubt! Feel some fear? How do you like that? Don't you want to panic and lash out? I know you do!
Nope.
I'm going to pray. Pray that God helps me keep a level head and helps me keep His teachings at the front of my mind. I'm going to pray that what God has built up in us and in me is fortified and stronger then any external wrecking balls that may come our way. And then I'm going to trust. And keep doing what we've been doing this past five months.
Brick by brick we're building a new "house."
Brick by brick we're rebuilding a life, based on new things, exciting and hopeful God filled things.
I won't take down even one of those bricks at the temptation of Satan, or a minion of his.
I won't be tricked into kicking over a wall we just built out of anger.
I won't cut down God's hedge of protection over jealousy.
Not me!
If any one of you lovely readers made it to the end of this, thank you. Thank you for enduring this painfully long rambling, while I sorted through my current issue and devised my plan of attack. If its completely inane, or totally nonsensical, or just too out there for you, lets blame it on my five day headache and the resulting sleeplessness shall we?
Katie
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Decision
I made a big one!
One more step in my faith walk. A BIG step in my faith walk.
I'm excited, and nervous, and characteristically afraid of what others will think (that's SO the old me, not the new me I am trying to be).
It's been on my mind for a while. It's been popping up in conversations. It's been calling to me, and today, I finalized my choice, submitted and sent my request.
This summer I am going to be baptized!
Not the kind of baptism we had as kids, not a sprinkle of water, or oil, but a total immersion, in front of a lot of people, video taped for all to see baptism. BIG DEAL.
That sounds strange. It looks strange to see typed out too.
But it's true, and it's exciting and it makes me feel really happy.
This summer I'm going to make a public declaration of a change that happened privately nearly two years ago. I'm actually quite late in making this declaration, but better late then never.
I'm nervous though, because until I started attending our church regularly, I hadn't really heard about adult baptism, and I'm sure a lot of my friends and family haven't either. I assure you, it's common, and it's expected of those who follow Jesus. But, I'm nervous, because no one I know aside from my friends at church, have been baptized as adults, and even though you know it's right and even though you're excited about it, it feels odd, to be the odd one out in your personal community. I am, and always have been so worried about what people think of me, I'm deeply self conscious, nearly crippled by it at times, so to do this, to step forward and do something this open, and this different from what I've always known, it's a big deal.
But then again, it IS a big deal!
What I need to remind myself is that I'm not changing suddenly with my baptism, that changed happened already, in my bathroom, nearly two years ago when I was feeling grief so intense it brought me to my knees, and while I was there, I prayed, and immediately, I was changed. So, this isn't something new, this isn't coming out of left field. And my friends and my family know I am a Christan, they know I believe in God and Jesus and the good that faith has done in my life, in my healing process, and in my marriage. They KNOW it, but why do I feel like it's such a big and scary thing to really show it? I've got to shake that attitude off!
It's good. It's so good, to finally tell everyone that Jesus has saved me, truly, from the depths of my hurt, from an undefined but hollow loneliness, and from hopelessness. And my faith brought with it a promise of a reunion, a heavenly reunion with Everett, and an eternity with God, it's good. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm a better work in progress because I'm working towards better things. It's all good! So I've got to stop worrying about what others will feel about it.
So, this summer, I'm getting baptized, showing my obedience and doing what God calls us to do. Jesus did it, so will I. I'm excited, and scared, and curious, but mostly happy, to be in a place in my life where I can openly declare that God is good, and that I have trust and faith in Him and His work. Not too long ago, this wasn't the case. I'm happy to be in a place where I have scrounged up enough confidence to do something that feels a little scary, because my beliefs are bigger then my fears.
Seems I am growing and changing, I just hadn't noticed quite yet.
Katie
One more step in my faith walk. A BIG step in my faith walk.
I'm excited, and nervous, and characteristically afraid of what others will think (that's SO the old me, not the new me I am trying to be).
It's been on my mind for a while. It's been popping up in conversations. It's been calling to me, and today, I finalized my choice, submitted and sent my request.
This summer I am going to be baptized!
Not the kind of baptism we had as kids, not a sprinkle of water, or oil, but a total immersion, in front of a lot of people, video taped for all to see baptism. BIG DEAL.
That sounds strange. It looks strange to see typed out too.
But it's true, and it's exciting and it makes me feel really happy.
This summer I'm going to make a public declaration of a change that happened privately nearly two years ago. I'm actually quite late in making this declaration, but better late then never.
I'm nervous though, because until I started attending our church regularly, I hadn't really heard about adult baptism, and I'm sure a lot of my friends and family haven't either. I assure you, it's common, and it's expected of those who follow Jesus. But, I'm nervous, because no one I know aside from my friends at church, have been baptized as adults, and even though you know it's right and even though you're excited about it, it feels odd, to be the odd one out in your personal community. I am, and always have been so worried about what people think of me, I'm deeply self conscious, nearly crippled by it at times, so to do this, to step forward and do something this open, and this different from what I've always known, it's a big deal.
But then again, it IS a big deal!
What I need to remind myself is that I'm not changing suddenly with my baptism, that changed happened already, in my bathroom, nearly two years ago when I was feeling grief so intense it brought me to my knees, and while I was there, I prayed, and immediately, I was changed. So, this isn't something new, this isn't coming out of left field. And my friends and my family know I am a Christan, they know I believe in God and Jesus and the good that faith has done in my life, in my healing process, and in my marriage. They KNOW it, but why do I feel like it's such a big and scary thing to really show it? I've got to shake that attitude off!
It's good. It's so good, to finally tell everyone that Jesus has saved me, truly, from the depths of my hurt, from an undefined but hollow loneliness, and from hopelessness. And my faith brought with it a promise of a reunion, a heavenly reunion with Everett, and an eternity with God, it's good. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm a better work in progress because I'm working towards better things. It's all good! So I've got to stop worrying about what others will feel about it.
So, this summer, I'm getting baptized, showing my obedience and doing what God calls us to do. Jesus did it, so will I. I'm excited, and scared, and curious, but mostly happy, to be in a place in my life where I can openly declare that God is good, and that I have trust and faith in Him and His work. Not too long ago, this wasn't the case. I'm happy to be in a place where I have scrounged up enough confidence to do something that feels a little scary, because my beliefs are bigger then my fears.
Seems I am growing and changing, I just hadn't noticed quite yet.
Katie
Saturday, April 17, 2010
What to do?
It's 8pm. Elvis is working, Avery's sleeping over at my sister's house, and Landon is in bed. The house is quiet, aside from some laundry that needs to be folded, there isn't much that needs to be done, so now what should I do?
The problem is that there are just too many options! What to do when there's so much I'd like to do, but only 2-3 hours to fit it all in to?
I could:
*Fold my laundry
*Clean the floors
*Have a bath
*Sew
*Make cards
*Read
*Blog (more in depth that is)
*Edit photo's
*Put the 300 photos sitting on my desk into albums!
*Play Wii Fit
*Do my devotional and prayer journal
*Read blogs I love
*Watch a movie
*Color in my Anatomy Coloring book (I'm a geek like that)
So you see, there are so many things I'd love to do when my free time comes up, but how do I choose what to do? What usually happens is I spend so much time thinking about what to do that I do none of it and then I end up getting frustrated feeling like I NEVER have any time to do what I want ;)
Gah! I should just go do something and stop thinking so much about it!
Later Gators!
Katie
The problem is that there are just too many options! What to do when there's so much I'd like to do, but only 2-3 hours to fit it all in to?
I could:
*Fold my laundry
*Clean the floors
*Have a bath
*Sew
*Make cards
*Read
*Blog (more in depth that is)
*Edit photo's
*Put the 300 photos sitting on my desk into albums!
*Play Wii Fit
*Do my devotional and prayer journal
*Read blogs I love
*Watch a movie
*Color in my Anatomy Coloring book (I'm a geek like that)
So you see, there are so many things I'd love to do when my free time comes up, but how do I choose what to do? What usually happens is I spend so much time thinking about what to do that I do none of it and then I end up getting frustrated feeling like I NEVER have any time to do what I want ;)
Gah! I should just go do something and stop thinking so much about it!
Later Gators!
Katie
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Beautiful
I'm not sure what's prettier, a beautiful new flower, or my daughters dirty little hands (well yes, I do actually, but that's strictly this Mama's opinion of course!).
This picture is a prime example of a simple little joy this day gave me. It's been a crazy day, a hectic, busy, at times whiny and always noisy day, but in the midst of the chaos, God gives us little gifts of beauty, little moments of serenity. This is one of mine.
Philippians 4:11
11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.
Katie
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Feeling stiffled.....
I'm feeling a little bit stiffled these days, like in some ways I've been silenced.
The problem is that I've learned that not every emotion and every thought needs to be shared with everyone, I've learned that often times God is the only being who needs to know what I'm thinking and feeling, and that He's the only one who can help most times.
But, old habits die hard, and I'm used to funneling my every thought, feeling and emotion towards Elvis, often I send them his way unedited and unfiltered, which of course leads to disaster.
It's a struggle to filter what I say to my husband. It feels strange and unnatural to store them in a reservoir rather then let them flow freely from me to him. This is not how I used to do things, but, how I used to do things caused me a lot of grief and hardship, so change in this respect is good (I think).
But I wrestle with this, where do I put it all?
Where do I send the anger?
What can I do with the frustration?
Who will ease the sorrow?
The answers I already know, but I resist them.
Send it to God
Give to God
God will comfort and sooth my sorrow
I know, I know. These facts should already be tattooed on my mind, but it takes a long, long time to form a new habit like this.
Today I'm frustrated, and honestly, a bit angry, and a bit sad, but I am trying not to be. I'm trying to filter and edit myself, I'm trying to stop the negative feelings before they take over. I'm trying to shut the door on Satan's influence and I'm calling God into the mix to save me from my weakness and sinfulness. And you know what? He came. Pushed that door shut right along side me. Crisis averted.
Thank you God!
The Bible has A LOT to say about anger, and on days like this when I'm feeling anger brewing inside of me, I'm happy to have those references to turn to:
James 1:20 says this
20 Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.
Ephesians 4:26-27 says this
26 And "don't sin by letting anger control you."s Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry,27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Proverbs 29:11 says this (this is a good one!)
11 A fool vents all his feelings,
But a wise man holds them back.
James 1:2-5 tells us what to do with our anger, and how we should regard it as an opportunity for growth:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
And Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us how we should deal with those who offend us or make us angry:
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
And proverbs 15:1 guides us on how to speak to others, and how to disagree:
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The Bible is full of advice, real, practical, valid and relevant advice for today's issues, today's struggles and today's people, and I love it!
What do I do with my struggles? Where do I funnel my anger and frustration now that I know better the to do so towards my husband? Who will care? How can I still be heard? The Bible is our guide book for all the trials we face today, how lucky are we to have it!
Katie
The problem is that I've learned that not every emotion and every thought needs to be shared with everyone, I've learned that often times God is the only being who needs to know what I'm thinking and feeling, and that He's the only one who can help most times.
But, old habits die hard, and I'm used to funneling my every thought, feeling and emotion towards Elvis, often I send them his way unedited and unfiltered, which of course leads to disaster.
It's a struggle to filter what I say to my husband. It feels strange and unnatural to store them in a reservoir rather then let them flow freely from me to him. This is not how I used to do things, but, how I used to do things caused me a lot of grief and hardship, so change in this respect is good (I think).
But I wrestle with this, where do I put it all?
Where do I send the anger?
What can I do with the frustration?
Who will ease the sorrow?
The answers I already know, but I resist them.
Send it to God
Give to God
God will comfort and sooth my sorrow
I know, I know. These facts should already be tattooed on my mind, but it takes a long, long time to form a new habit like this.
Today I'm frustrated, and honestly, a bit angry, and a bit sad, but I am trying not to be. I'm trying to filter and edit myself, I'm trying to stop the negative feelings before they take over. I'm trying to shut the door on Satan's influence and I'm calling God into the mix to save me from my weakness and sinfulness. And you know what? He came. Pushed that door shut right along side me. Crisis averted.
Thank you God!
The Bible has A LOT to say about anger, and on days like this when I'm feeling anger brewing inside of me, I'm happy to have those references to turn to:
James 1:20 says this
20 Human angers does not produce the righteousness God desires.
Ephesians 4:26-27 says this
26 And "don't sin by letting anger control you."s Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry,27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.
Proverbs 29:11 says this (this is a good one!)
11 A fool vents all his feelings,
But a wise man holds them back.
James 1:2-5 tells us what to do with our anger, and how we should regard it as an opportunity for growth:
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
And Ephesians 4:31-32 tells us how we should deal with those who offend us or make us angry:
31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
And proverbs 15:1 guides us on how to speak to others, and how to disagree:
1 A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The Bible is full of advice, real, practical, valid and relevant advice for today's issues, today's struggles and today's people, and I love it!
What do I do with my struggles? Where do I funnel my anger and frustration now that I know better the to do so towards my husband? Who will care? How can I still be heard? The Bible is our guide book for all the trials we face today, how lucky are we to have it!
Katie
Monday, April 12, 2010
Meditating on motherhood....
Some times I'm hit with these realizations, and they really make me stop and think.
Some are pretty simple.
Some are profound, but they are always really interesting to me.
I'm reading a book right now that's prodding me to think about motherhood and all that it means, this is a sad, sad book, and it's bringing out some pretty deep considerations on what it means to mother a child.
We're talking big time, serious stuff here.
Motherhood is such a big and important job, so much so that "big" and "important" seem entirely inadequate word choices to describe it.
I'd go so far as to say, that it's one of the most important roles anyone can ever play. Think of it, mother's are so paramount in the formation of who a child will be in the future. Mother's are critical in their childrens development, critical to the role they'll play in the world.
What mothers give to their children shapes and sculpts the person they will be, and what a mother withholds does the same. Who our children become is dependent on us as mothers, what we provide, what we sacrifice, what we supply, what we lovingly donate to their upbringing. Conversely what we don't provide, what we won't sacrifice, what we will not supply or donate to their raising up, makes just as big (if not bigger) an impact on who they will become in the future.
On reading this very sad book, I'm struck with thoughts of how deep and primal the bond between mother and child can be (and I say "can" be because not all mothers want to be mothers, and not all mother's want to bond with their children). Whether they are biological mother and child, or adopted mother and child, that "want" between them is what ties them together and makes the dance between them so incredibly foundational to the child's life, and dare I say the mother's as well.
Mothers provide warmth, nurturing, security, discipline, guidance, training, teaching, tenderness, and in the case of Christian mothers, they display for their children a model of what a Christian woman and mother look like. They provide tenderness and adoration, and unconditional love. When a child receives these things from their mother, they flourish, they thrive, and their future opens up before them. They can get this from any woman wanting to call themselves "mother", it's not all about biology here, it's about that call from within a woman to care for children, it's deeply ingrained on many women (I say "many", not all), at the core of our being, and it's God given.
When a child is denied the tender love of a mother, what becomes of them? When a child has security, discipline, guidance and nurturing withheld from them, how does that shape them? What does that teach them? It may not ruin their lives, but it changes them most certainly.
Mother's are paramount. A good mama makes the world a brighter place don't you think?
Back to this book, this sad, sad book, it's about motherhood, and the bond between mama and child, from conception, or first sight. One mama births her babies but is not permitted to keep them, and she endures the agony of loving her babies deeply and having to live without them, and live with the uncertainty of what has become of them. Heart breaking. One mama finds her body prematurely shutting down reproductively and has to become a mother through the process of adoption, which is a life changing experience for her, and she instantly feels like this child's mother, though she didn't birth her, because it was on her heart to mother a child, any child, the child they adopt is instantly their child, it's amazing. It's touching, it's heart wrenching, it's thought provoking, and it's powerful, and I am not even done yet!
I'm in awe of motherhood. Of mothers. Of good mothers. Determined, sacrificing, loving, devoted, hard working, tender, smart, strong and amazing mothers. I've got one (how blessed am I?), and I strive to be one. I pray God will help me each day be the kind of mother my children need to grow up happy, healthy, secure and pointed in the right direction, and He knows I need help!
Dads are paramount too, but that's another post all together! I guess what I am thinking of is how happy I am to be a mother, and how seriously I take the role and it's responsibilities. I think all too often it's easy to forget that motherhood is not a pastime, or just something you are, but rather it's a role, it's a job description, and when your job is done, it produces a product, an outcome. Your children are the product of your parenting, and who they will become 20 years from now is up to us right now! That's HUGE! What we do today is slowly sculpting who they will be tomorrow. That's exciting and terrifying at the same time.
Overall it's motivating!
I want to create an environment where my children will thrive.
I want to be the sort of mother that cultivates trust, joy, confidence, ambition, motivation, faith and devotion. I want my arms to be a safe haven, I want my voice to be a comfort, I want our home to be a shelter from the rest of the world. Am I there yet? No. I have work to do.
Thank God for tiny little reminders that I have big work to do, and how worth while the effort will be!
Thank God for mothers (my mom especially), and for motherhood.
Thank God for children who provide us with a purpose unlike any other.
Thank God for my children, children unlike any other who have changed my life and have bettered me in every imaginable way.
Katie
Some are pretty simple.
Some are profound, but they are always really interesting to me.
I'm reading a book right now that's prodding me to think about motherhood and all that it means, this is a sad, sad book, and it's bringing out some pretty deep considerations on what it means to mother a child.
We're talking big time, serious stuff here.
Motherhood is such a big and important job, so much so that "big" and "important" seem entirely inadequate word choices to describe it.
I'd go so far as to say, that it's one of the most important roles anyone can ever play. Think of it, mother's are so paramount in the formation of who a child will be in the future. Mother's are critical in their childrens development, critical to the role they'll play in the world.
What mothers give to their children shapes and sculpts the person they will be, and what a mother withholds does the same. Who our children become is dependent on us as mothers, what we provide, what we sacrifice, what we supply, what we lovingly donate to their upbringing. Conversely what we don't provide, what we won't sacrifice, what we will not supply or donate to their raising up, makes just as big (if not bigger) an impact on who they will become in the future.
On reading this very sad book, I'm struck with thoughts of how deep and primal the bond between mother and child can be (and I say "can" be because not all mothers want to be mothers, and not all mother's want to bond with their children). Whether they are biological mother and child, or adopted mother and child, that "want" between them is what ties them together and makes the dance between them so incredibly foundational to the child's life, and dare I say the mother's as well.
Mothers provide warmth, nurturing, security, discipline, guidance, training, teaching, tenderness, and in the case of Christian mothers, they display for their children a model of what a Christian woman and mother look like. They provide tenderness and adoration, and unconditional love. When a child receives these things from their mother, they flourish, they thrive, and their future opens up before them. They can get this from any woman wanting to call themselves "mother", it's not all about biology here, it's about that call from within a woman to care for children, it's deeply ingrained on many women (I say "many", not all), at the core of our being, and it's God given.
When a child is denied the tender love of a mother, what becomes of them? When a child has security, discipline, guidance and nurturing withheld from them, how does that shape them? What does that teach them? It may not ruin their lives, but it changes them most certainly.
Mother's are paramount. A good mama makes the world a brighter place don't you think?
Back to this book, this sad, sad book, it's about motherhood, and the bond between mama and child, from conception, or first sight. One mama births her babies but is not permitted to keep them, and she endures the agony of loving her babies deeply and having to live without them, and live with the uncertainty of what has become of them. Heart breaking. One mama finds her body prematurely shutting down reproductively and has to become a mother through the process of adoption, which is a life changing experience for her, and she instantly feels like this child's mother, though she didn't birth her, because it was on her heart to mother a child, any child, the child they adopt is instantly their child, it's amazing. It's touching, it's heart wrenching, it's thought provoking, and it's powerful, and I am not even done yet!
I'm in awe of motherhood. Of mothers. Of good mothers. Determined, sacrificing, loving, devoted, hard working, tender, smart, strong and amazing mothers. I've got one (how blessed am I?), and I strive to be one. I pray God will help me each day be the kind of mother my children need to grow up happy, healthy, secure and pointed in the right direction, and He knows I need help!
Dads are paramount too, but that's another post all together! I guess what I am thinking of is how happy I am to be a mother, and how seriously I take the role and it's responsibilities. I think all too often it's easy to forget that motherhood is not a pastime, or just something you are, but rather it's a role, it's a job description, and when your job is done, it produces a product, an outcome. Your children are the product of your parenting, and who they will become 20 years from now is up to us right now! That's HUGE! What we do today is slowly sculpting who they will be tomorrow. That's exciting and terrifying at the same time.
Overall it's motivating!
I want to create an environment where my children will thrive.
I want to be the sort of mother that cultivates trust, joy, confidence, ambition, motivation, faith and devotion. I want my arms to be a safe haven, I want my voice to be a comfort, I want our home to be a shelter from the rest of the world. Am I there yet? No. I have work to do.
Thank God for tiny little reminders that I have big work to do, and how worth while the effort will be!
Thank God for mothers (my mom especially), and for motherhood.
Thank God for children who provide us with a purpose unlike any other.
Thank God for my children, children unlike any other who have changed my life and have bettered me in every imaginable way.
Katie
Thursday, April 8, 2010
I've wandered off track....
I started off on one path, and some how over the course of this blog, I've wandered onto another path. Now, it's not a bad path, it's just not going where I wanted to go, so I'm jumping back onto that original path I was on, heading to a new me.
A happier me.
A healthier me.
A more joyful me.
A less stressed out me.
A me who worries less.
A better wife.
A better mother.
A better Christian.
More confidant.
More generous.
More hospitable.
Brighter.
Lighter.
Freed from all the things that weigh me down right now.
Of course, this blog is all about how I'm going to build this new life on God, His word, His love, His promises, and that's just what I plan to do! I am going to stop trying to micromanage my life, and stop trying to have my way, and give control over to Him, and let Him use me as He will, do do what He will, and I'm going to make every effort to be joyful about that!
I'm really loving this song by Hillsong United, our church has been singing it, and it revs me up, and sums up how God excites me and makes me eager to live my life for Him:
Freedom is Here
By Hillsong United
The future comes alive
You speak your word and i
I'm running into your hope
Because i've seen your light
You bring my world to life
I'm coming after you love
I'm not shaken
I'm not letting go
And everything comes alive
In my life as we lift you higher
Let your freedom arise
In our lives as we lift you up
Sing it out
Sing it out
Your freedom is here
So take the limits off
No matter what the cost
I'm running after your call
And i will run this race
See you face to face
So let your power overflow
I will not fear
I will not hide you love
You love
All of my life
I cannot deny your love
Your love
Check it out on YouTube! You'll like it!
To further my efforts to stay on focus and remember what this is all really about, I'm starting an accountability group with a nice small group of friends. We'll keep in touch with each other daily and talk about what scriptures we're reading, what we're praying about, what we're struggling with, and we'll keep each other accountable for our walk with Christ. I'm excited to hear what my friends are thinking and reading and learning, and eager to share with them too!
One of my biggest goals has been to take captive my self control, and finally defeat my personal demon, which is gluttony. I seriously misuse food. And honestly, I often use food where I should be using God. When I'm troubled, stressed, grieved, lonely, more often then not, I run to food, and that is a behavior that needs to be stopped. Now. I need to learn to trust in God, to trust he can handle my problems and meet my needs, and learn that food cannot solve my problems or make me feel more loved or less pained. I need to learn this, but it's hard. It's the stronghold Satan has on me (one of them that is). So I want to refocus on this issue, and strive to make a goal and reach it for this summer. Summer's a bittersweet time for me, I love it and hate it all at once. I never feel heavier, frumpier, uglier or sadder then I do on a beautiful summer day surrounded by my thin, healthy and shorts and tank clad family and friends. The shame and guilt is crippling. I want my skinny summer.
But that poses the question, what am I willing to do to get it?
Sadly, the answer is usually "not much".
How can this be different? I don't know. I'll pray on it, over and over if need be, and then I'll get back to you ;)
So, thank God for the clarity He gave me when He pointed out I was off track. I am grateful it was brought to my attention that I had taken back the reins and was trying to steer the course of my life, rather then let God drive. I've handed those back now, and am trusting in Him, and I can't wait to see what awaits me in my future!
Katie
A happier me.
A healthier me.
A more joyful me.
A less stressed out me.
A me who worries less.
A better wife.
A better mother.
A better Christian.
More confidant.
More generous.
More hospitable.
Brighter.
Lighter.
Freed from all the things that weigh me down right now.
Of course, this blog is all about how I'm going to build this new life on God, His word, His love, His promises, and that's just what I plan to do! I am going to stop trying to micromanage my life, and stop trying to have my way, and give control over to Him, and let Him use me as He will, do do what He will, and I'm going to make every effort to be joyful about that!
I'm really loving this song by Hillsong United, our church has been singing it, and it revs me up, and sums up how God excites me and makes me eager to live my life for Him:
Freedom is Here
By Hillsong United
The future comes alive
You speak your word and i
I'm running into your hope
Because i've seen your light
You bring my world to life
I'm coming after you love
I'm not shaken
I'm not letting go
And everything comes alive
In my life as we lift you higher
Let your freedom arise
In our lives as we lift you up
Sing it out
Sing it out
Your freedom is here
So take the limits off
No matter what the cost
I'm running after your call
And i will run this race
See you face to face
So let your power overflow
I will not fear
I will not hide you love
You love
All of my life
I cannot deny your love
Your love
Check it out on YouTube! You'll like it!
To further my efforts to stay on focus and remember what this is all really about, I'm starting an accountability group with a nice small group of friends. We'll keep in touch with each other daily and talk about what scriptures we're reading, what we're praying about, what we're struggling with, and we'll keep each other accountable for our walk with Christ. I'm excited to hear what my friends are thinking and reading and learning, and eager to share with them too!
One of my biggest goals has been to take captive my self control, and finally defeat my personal demon, which is gluttony. I seriously misuse food. And honestly, I often use food where I should be using God. When I'm troubled, stressed, grieved, lonely, more often then not, I run to food, and that is a behavior that needs to be stopped. Now. I need to learn to trust in God, to trust he can handle my problems and meet my needs, and learn that food cannot solve my problems or make me feel more loved or less pained. I need to learn this, but it's hard. It's the stronghold Satan has on me (one of them that is). So I want to refocus on this issue, and strive to make a goal and reach it for this summer. Summer's a bittersweet time for me, I love it and hate it all at once. I never feel heavier, frumpier, uglier or sadder then I do on a beautiful summer day surrounded by my thin, healthy and shorts and tank clad family and friends. The shame and guilt is crippling. I want my skinny summer.
But that poses the question, what am I willing to do to get it?
Sadly, the answer is usually "not much".
How can this be different? I don't know. I'll pray on it, over and over if need be, and then I'll get back to you ;)
So, thank God for the clarity He gave me when He pointed out I was off track. I am grateful it was brought to my attention that I had taken back the reins and was trying to steer the course of my life, rather then let God drive. I've handed those back now, and am trusting in Him, and I can't wait to see what awaits me in my future!
Katie
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I need an attitude adjustment.....
And fast!
I need to check this disgruntled, dissatisfied, wanting attitude at the door. It's bringing me down.
I've been wallowing lately in my desire to have another baby. I've been so fixated on my fears and anxieties over this want never coming true that it's been robbing me of the joys available right now, today. I'll admit, I'm still concerned, I still really feel called to have another baby, and admittedly, if I could, I'd have that baby right now. But, since I can't have a baby right now, since the decision is not mine alone, and since I haven't convinced Elvis that it's a good idea, I have to wait. And while I wait I have to trust, er, well I guess I don't HAVE to trust, but it really does help.
I want to give this concern up to God and trust that he knows how much I want this. I want to trust in God's abilities to know and change our hearts in accordance to His will. I want to trust that giving this issue up to God does not mean that I give up on achieving it, but rather I let Him worry about the timing and I can just go on focusing on the beautiful children he's already blessed me with, and the joys available to me every day.
I feel awful that I've been stewing and sulking over this. I feel ashamed of how short tempered and irritable I've been (though I can blame a very temporary hormonal imbalance for that I think, at least partially). But still, God calls us to be joyful in all things, and to be grateful, and loving and I haven't been.
I've been fearful, and resentful, and anxious and depressed and it has robbed the light and joy from too many days. So, starting right now, or maybe when my hormones settle, I'm giving myself an attitude check.
God is good and trustworthy.
He loves me and has my best interests at heart.
He knows my inner most desires, he knows my wants before I ask for them.
He is faithful.
And I will keep this in mind, Matthew 6:27:
And who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And this, Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.
Katie
I need to check this disgruntled, dissatisfied, wanting attitude at the door. It's bringing me down.
I've been wallowing lately in my desire to have another baby. I've been so fixated on my fears and anxieties over this want never coming true that it's been robbing me of the joys available right now, today. I'll admit, I'm still concerned, I still really feel called to have another baby, and admittedly, if I could, I'd have that baby right now. But, since I can't have a baby right now, since the decision is not mine alone, and since I haven't convinced Elvis that it's a good idea, I have to wait. And while I wait I have to trust, er, well I guess I don't HAVE to trust, but it really does help.
I want to give this concern up to God and trust that he knows how much I want this. I want to trust in God's abilities to know and change our hearts in accordance to His will. I want to trust that giving this issue up to God does not mean that I give up on achieving it, but rather I let Him worry about the timing and I can just go on focusing on the beautiful children he's already blessed me with, and the joys available to me every day.
I feel awful that I've been stewing and sulking over this. I feel ashamed of how short tempered and irritable I've been (though I can blame a very temporary hormonal imbalance for that I think, at least partially). But still, God calls us to be joyful in all things, and to be grateful, and loving and I haven't been.
I've been fearful, and resentful, and anxious and depressed and it has robbed the light and joy from too many days. So, starting right now, or maybe when my hormones settle, I'm giving myself an attitude check.
God is good and trustworthy.
He loves me and has my best interests at heart.
He knows my inner most desires, he knows my wants before I ask for them.
He is faithful.
And I will keep this in mind, Matthew 6:27:
And who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And this, Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.
Katie
In a slump......
It's been a week since I wrote last, and honestly, I've started a few different posts, then quickly became frustrated and deleted it all. I'm in a slump, and feeling rather emotionally frustrated, and whenever I started to write, I thought to myself "who cares?" Really? Who cares if I write in my blog every day? Who cares if I bare my heart and soul? Who cares if I lay out my daily hopes and struggles? Who am I laying it out for anyway? Seems like it's just me reading it, so what's the point?
Well, I'm not out of my slump yet, so I don't have much to say, but I don't think I'll abandon my blogging all together, because there is a point to it. I think better when I write my thoughts, so if nothing else, this blog can help illuminate and clarify my thoughts and feelings for myself, to help me better understand myself. A side effect of this blog is that should anyone else actually ever read it, they may be able to take something away from my experiences. So that's good enough I suppose.
Anyway, if you're out there reading, I'd be grateful to hear it, to let me know I'm not writing all this for me.
Katie
Well, I'm not out of my slump yet, so I don't have much to say, but I don't think I'll abandon my blogging all together, because there is a point to it. I think better when I write my thoughts, so if nothing else, this blog can help illuminate and clarify my thoughts and feelings for myself, to help me better understand myself. A side effect of this blog is that should anyone else actually ever read it, they may be able to take something away from my experiences. So that's good enough I suppose.
Anyway, if you're out there reading, I'd be grateful to hear it, to let me know I'm not writing all this for me.
Katie
