Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Is this a test?

I never expected a perfect life, and goodness knows it hasn't been. 

I've felt life's blows, and I've rolled with the punches, and through it, I've grown faith.

But, it seems just when life is going well and I feel secure and contented, like I breath, like I can let my guard down, and I let up on leaning on God and start to feel like I'm doing a good job taking care of business, God puts me in my place.  He knocks me down and reminds me I'm supposed to be leaning on Him, not my own understanding of things.  And He lets life get tough again, so I'll lean on Him, so I'll learn that He is in control.

Life just got so tough.  As tough as its ever been, and I've been humbled for sure, but I'm also frightened, and lonely, and lost.  Very lost.

And I'm not quite sure how it'll all get better, I don't see how it can, and I'm drowning in the worst case scenarios, and I'm flailing, and I'm making myself feel sick with worry and dread.  And then God reminds me that He is in control, and He has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I had forgotten this.

I had forgotten to lean on Him.  To trust Him.  To have faith that all was still in His hands, not my own. 

I'm still scared, so incredibly scared.

I still don't know whats going to happen to me.

I still don't know how to fix things.

But now I've been reminded, God knows I'm scared, and I don't need to worry about the future, or have a plan, because God does.

Its not a perfect life.

And hard times come, but life, invariably, goes on.