Is this a test?

I never expected a perfect life, and goodness knows it hasn't been. 

I've felt life's blows, and I've rolled with the punches, and through it, I've grown faith.

But, it seems just when life is going well and I feel secure and contented, like I breath, like I can let my guard down, and I let up on leaning on God and start to feel like I'm doing a good job taking care of business, God puts me in my place.  He knocks me down and reminds me I'm supposed to be leaning on Him, not my own understanding of things.  And He lets life get tough again, so I'll lean on Him, so I'll learn that He is in control.

Life just got so tough.  As tough as its ever been, and I've been humbled for sure, but I'm also frightened, and lonely, and lost.  Very lost.

And I'm not quite sure how it'll all get better, I don't see how it can, and I'm drowning in the worst case scenarios, and I'm flailing, and I'm making myself feel sick with worry and dread.  And then God reminds me that He is in control, and He has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I had forgotten this.

I had forgotten to lean on Him.  To trust Him.  To have faith that all was still in His hands, not my own. 

I'm still scared, so incredibly scared.

I still don't know whats going to happen to me.

I still don't know how to fix things.

But now I've been reminded, God knows I'm scared, and I don't need to worry about the future, or have a plan, because God does.

Its not a perfect life.

And hard times come, but life, invariably, goes on.

Katie

Happy Birthday Babies!

Just four years ago today, at 5:33 and 5:40am, my life changed in the most unexpected and indescribable way.  I was expecting babies, I was expecting two beautiful, healthy and amazing babies, which I got, but what I wasn't expecting was the tornado of change and emotion that would blow through our lives following their births, that would change us in ways that we couldn't have ever imagined, not in our biggest dreams or worst nightmares.

Everett was born first, he was 5 pounds 4 ounces and he was pink and beautiful and instantly he was tattooed on my heart, he was breathtaking...

 

He was cleaned up and taken to be examined, he was new, he was premature, he was a twin, he was a boy, and he needed a little help in the breathing department, not entirely unexpected.

Next came Landon, he was 5 pounds 6 ounces, pink, hearty, fabulous and immediately so very very loved.  He was long awaited like his brother and he was instantly cherished...

I got to hold him a little before they took him away to work on, instant love, my heart was content, my cup runneth over!

Landon James

Everett Andrew

Both boys, warming up, Everett needing a little help breathing.

Landon

Everett

 

They were small, but they were beautiful and perfect and they were more then we could have ever asked for.  And on this day four years ago, life was perfect, we were perfectly happy and so filled with joy.  This was a very happy day.

We couldn't have ever imagined how fleeting that sense of perfection would be, or how quickly happiness can be shattered and replaced with grief and pain and loss.  Not in our most frightening dreams did we imagine that the birth of these beautiful twin boys would preceed the loss of one of them by just 20 short days.

But it did.  And today, while we're celebrating Everett and Landon's glorious and joy filled birth, we're celebrating it with Landon alone.  He's beautiful, he's funny, he's sensitive and loving and just absolute perfection.  He's a miracle, he's a joy and he's just incredibly enjoyed and loved, today and always.  And Everett remains adored, and loved, and missed, he's perfect and miraculous and a joy too, though Heaven holds him now, not us.

It's a bittersweet day today, and I hate that the happiness of their births is somewhat overshadowed by the sadness of Everett's death, his absense is felt every single day, but never with more intensity then on the day we remember his birth and the hope we were all filled with that day.

But in life you take the bitter with the sweet, sometimes there just isn't any seperating the two.  

So, happy birthday Landon James!

Thank you for continuing to bring us such joy and happiness! You're amazing and so very loved!

And happy birthday Everett Andrew!

You continue to bring us joy and we love  you so much, we miss you more then any words could tell, you're tattooed on my heart, and I think of you with every beat of it.

I'm unable to say what life would be like it both my babies were still here, but I'll always hold dear the short time I had with them both, blissfully unaware of how quickly life can change and how it felt to be caught up in that tornado that would totally rearrange our worlds.  I'm still grateful for the experience of delivering beautiful twin boys, and I'm forever changed by both of them.

Katie

Our family vacation, and a good read!

I'm on vacation with my family right now, and we're having a great time! It's sort of a tradition of ours to rent a vacation home in the Kissimmee area of Florida and stay a week, relaxing and doing a variety of low key touristy things.  Traveling with three young kids sort of redefines what "vacation" means, if you've got images of kicking back and relaxing by the pool, sleeping in every day and strolling along beaches at a leisurely pace, think again! Though it's a great escape from the normal routines of work and school, it's not a break from the every day routine you grow accustomed to when you've got a young family, we just transplant that routine from home to Florida, its the same, but different.

One unexpected thing I got to do while here at our vacation house, is read! And better still, not just a few pages of a magazine, or catching up on a few of my favorite blogs, but a book, an ENTIRE book! That's a luxury I am unaccustomed to these days!  And not only was it a good read, it was an enlighting read, and an inspiring read, a book that filled my heart with comfort and joy, perfect for a vacation read!

This is the book I read:

You can read about it here.

I found it to be a great reminder to have child like faith in Heaven, and I'm so thankful that through the Burpo family God gives so many fresh hope and a renewed belief that Heaven awaits us after this life.  It brought me to tears more then once, from the sheer happiness of knowing that those who have gone before us await us, and will know us when we get there, it was thought provoking and joyful to read, I would recommend it to anyone!

And now the vacation continues, I doubt I'll find the time to read another book and may have to settle now for a few pages of a magazine on the plane home.  We've got plans to swim and visit Busch Gardens and we're hosting some Florida family at our vacation house for the last few days, and it won't be relaxing, this is certainly not a spa get away, but its been one of most memorable, and happy family vacations ever and I am so grateful for it!

Katie

One more recipe, macaroni and cheese!

This is one of my favorite recipes, it's nostalgic, my Gramma has been making it for as long as I can remember, and before she made it for me, she made it for her kids, and I think that makes it pretty special, even if it is a very common dish, and a very simplistic recipe.

She got this recipe from "The all new Purity Cook Book: A complete guide to Canadian cooking", originally made in 1967, and now available on Amazon for a new generation to enjoy! I'm using a battered, torn, flour coated version my Gramma gave me years ago, it looks like this, only much worse...

I would recommend this book to anyone, especially if you're looking for a book packed with no-nonsense basics.  I use to it make cookies and cakes and consult it pretty regularly.

Anyway, here is the recipe I use for macaroni and cheese, as it was written for home cooks in 1967.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees

Cook 1 cup macaroni until tender in boiling salted water.

Drain.

Meanwhile, melt in a saucepan 1/4 cup butter or margarine

Add 1 tablespoon chopped onion (or omit if you don't like them, I add more when I make mine!)

Cook slowly until tender, not browned.

Blend in 1/4 cup pre-sifted all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
a few grains of pepper

Gradually stir in 2 cups milk

Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until thickened.

Add 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese.

Stir until cheese is melted.

Add cooked macaroni and blend well.

Pour into a buttered 1 1/2 or 2 quart casserole.

Sprinkle with 2/3 cup buttered bread crumbs.

Bake in a preheated 375 degree oven for 30 minutes until bubbly and browned.

Yeild: 4 to 6 servings.

That's it.  So simple.  Now, just in case you were thinking about omiting the mustard powder, don't do it, it's good! And I like to cook the flour and butter mixture a few minutes before adding the milk, like making a real roux out of it first, you don't have to, but I like to.  As for the crumbs on top, my gramma did the coolest thing, and just buttered whole pieces of bread and laid them on the top, and they got so nice and toasty on top.  Each serving was the size of the piece of bread on top of it, I loved that growing up.  I myself like to mix Cornflake crumbs with parmesan cheese, parsly and dried basil and softened butter to make crumbs, then put that on top, it's all good!

Enjoy my hand me down recipe, and keep it going, it's too good not to share!

Katie

Recipe! Because I said I would share it....

I posted pictures of my favorite dinner, Indian style butter chicken on Facebook, and a few people were curious about the recipe I use, so I'm sharing it here for your viewing, and potentially tasting pleasure!

Let it be said upfront, this recipe is likely not very authentic, but it's pretty darn tasty.  The back story behind me creating this recipe is that I fell in love with the butter chicken at our local Indian place, and I could eat it every single day if I could afford it, but I can't! So, I set out looking for a grocery store substitution, I tried multiple brands of bottled sauces and dry mixes and frozen ready made dishes, and every single one of them paled in comparison to what I had become addicted to at our local Indian place.  My next logical step, though it was daunting at first, was to make it myself.  I googled recipes, reviewed a bunch, and ultimately settled on this one found here at The Pioneer Woman, you just can't go wrong with Ree, and her step by step directions are amazing!

I made it, drooled, and fell in love, it's true! But, it wasn't quite right, excellent, but not the same as the little Indian place, it was great, but not what I had been searching for, so I started to customize it to suit our tastes.  So, here's what I do differently...

Use WAY more of the spices she listed then she suggests, but you'll have to go by taste, increasing slowly until you know what you think of them, especially if Indian spices are new to you.  Plus, I didn't want want to spend mucho bucks on cardamom, so I skipped it, but I use Garam Masala, and it has cardamom in it, so it's not gone all together.  I also use curry poweder and turmeric, about 1tsp each.

I use a little less lime juice then she suggests, it's only my prefernce.

I don't use the onion anymore, some of us in this house don't like onions, just saying....

I skip the tomato sauce and just use one big can of diced tomatoes.

I skip the fresh cilantro, it certainly tasted nice, and it brought a brightness and freshness to the dish, but the butter chicken at the Indian place was not bright or fresh, it was dense and heavy and deep and flavorful, it was a like a cozy fall evening, not a bright spring morning, so I skipped it, keep it if you like!

And that's about it.  Follow PW's recipe, she won't steer you wrong, and if you want MY butter chicken specifically, then follow my little omissions/inclusions while using her cooking instructions and you'll still be good to go!  Now, I just need to figure out a way to duplicate their naan bread too, trust me, you'll want some naan bread for all that yummy sauce!

Enjoy!

Katie

Setting up home...

Our family just relocated, same town, new house, and it's been joyful but exhausting!  We've found that with small children, there's more to making a new house feel like home then simply moving in our belongings.  For the first few days, this new house felt like our things in the wrong place.  Nothing looked right, nothing smelled right, nothing felt right and we all felt a little lost.

I have to say, that though it often irritates me, my husbands incredibly energy and drive was very helpful, unstrumental even, in making this new house "home".  We've been here just shy of two weeks, and his hard word and dedication has transformed our new place into a warm, inviting and familiar place, and it's transported us, we are finally home again!  Our things are in place, the walls of our bedrooms are now colors we chose and love, the house smells like us, and feels like us, and when we look around we see our memories, our trinkets and little personal touches we were missing so badly when we were living out of boxes.  It feels so good to be here now, and we can finally start enjoying this new house and the blessing that it is.

We can feel God in our new home, and I feel challenged by him to make this new home a better home, a more comfortable, more loving, more grace filled and more hospitable place to  be, for us, for our family, our friends, and neighbours!

The process of purchasing a new house and moving was stressful and at times really scary, but living here and feeling challenged by God to make a new and better start, that's just exciting!!

Katie

Treating trials like challenges...

There isn't any doubt about it, life can be hard! Sometimes life throws us something really unexpected and scary, and we aren't sure why we're facing such trials, it seems unfair and insurmountable.  But in times like these, when life feels overwhelming and difficult, when it all seems uphill, what good does it do to fall to pieces and give up? Philippians 4:6-7 says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Luke 12:25-26 says "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?"  In the face of struggle and hard times, instead of turning to worry and fear, the bible calls us to to trust God with our needs and our circumstances, and to let go of worry, since it doesn't actually benefit us, or eliminate the cause of our anxieties.  Easier said then done right?

Earlier today I posted about having to trust God more and how we were planning on taking on a more frugal lifestyle.  It seems no sooner did I post that, that God decided to test our dedication to that lifestyle.  We hit a finanical pot hole today, it was unexpected and scary, especially on the eve of purchasing a new home, especially because I'm off work now on maternity leave, especially because Elvis has injured his back and is working modified hours.  We didn't want this.  We certainly didn't ask for this, and God knows we didn't need this.  But, we've got it.  Our circumstances are what they are, worry won't get us out of it, neither will fear, or anger or sulkyness.  All those negative and worrisome attitudes get us is a gloomy household, a strained marriage and confused kids who start to worry themselves.  Worry doesn't do us any good at all.  But the circumstance calls for some form of action, because it won't go away on it's own either, I can't waste time worrying, but we can't afford to be idle either. 


God is using our trials to challenge us, to challange and inspire us to change our lives.  We've been careless with our money at times, and we have wanted too often for material things, which has led us to unneccessary spending.  We've got things, but now we've got debt too.  And we're being accountable for that, we did it, and now we need to work together as a team to undo it.  My husband and I are a team, and I don't want to place the burden of digging us out of this financial pot hole all on his shoulders.  I don't want to see him weighed down and stressed because of debt, I want to help him eliminate it.  God is challenging me to break out of my comfort zone, and to do what needs to be done even though I don't want to do it, but to do it because it's for the greater good of my family.  My husband and my children need me to do it. 1 Timothy 5:8 says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  I need to help provide for our family.  Even though I feel like I serve them best from home, I feel called to help financially as well.

Though I intended to take my one year of maternity leave, just like with my previous babies, this leave is not paid, and it's not easy.  Though I want nothing more then to stay home with my children, I know I have to go back to work eventually, and it seems like a year may be unrealistic given our current situation.  We want to give our children a certain standard of living, and we want to enjoy our new house, we want to feel unburdened, we want to delight in our blessings and our family, and in order to do that, I need to make some money, I need to go to work.  Thank goodness it doesn't have to be full time, thank God I can still be a mostly stay at home mom, but it's hard for me to suck it up, change my plans, and let go of my selfish desire to stay home.  I could stay home, I could take my whole year off, but to the detriment of my marriage and my family, and that would be no good, it would feel awful, and it wouldn't be satisfying in any way. 

Another layer to this challenge will be this, doing what needs to be done joyfully.  It will mean stepping up and helping my husband financially, because neither of us intended for this snag to happen, and it's not either of our faults, and doing it with a smile on my face, not grudgingly, not with a pout.  I want to have a good attitude, I want to continue to care for my family properly at home, I want to continue to be a good and supportive wife, I want to be a happy and loving mother, and I want to help remove the weight of debt from all our shoulders.  It's pretty clear to me that God is challenging me, and I know what needs to be done.  So I'm going to channel my inner Proverbs 31 woman, and I'm going to be brave and accountable and I'll do what needs to be done, joyfully.  I'm rising to the occasion, I'm up to the challenge!

I'm taking this trial, which if we weren't careful, could tear us down and pull us apart, and I'm going to see it as a challenge, a chance to grow and mature and build up. And I hope that God will help me to continue to see it this way tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and every day, because He knows it won't be easy.

Katie

Its been a while...

It's been a while since I've posted here, and I've really missed it! I got busy with life and the beautiful chaos that comes with having a young family and forgot why I started this blog, and why I was keeping it up, and I'd like to get back to that!

This blog was started so I could journal how I am reading, processing and applying God's word in my life, and how it's helping keep me focused and balanced and feeling confidant, even in tough times. This blog has helped me clear my mind and focus my efforts, and it has helped me relax and just trust in Him in the past, so now that my baby is old enough to set down a while, I'm diving back in!

Life here is in a state of transition, which is both exciting but also a little stressful! We've adjusted well to the addition of our new daughter Stella to our family, and she's a little joy, but now Avery is back in school, and Landon starts Junior Kindergarten on Friday, and to top it off, we're moving! A brand new home awaits us and we're so excited to get in and make it feel like home! I'm day dreaming of Christmas and birthdays and playing in the backyard, and it's so exciting, but at the same time, it brings worries. Moving, unpacking, and getting settled, on top of the financial strain of a bigger home, it's a big commitment and undertaking, and to make it work, and to really be able to enjoy it, Elvis and I need to have a shared vision for our family, and a strong commitment to living in a certain way, that will lessen the burden and the stress of a bigger monthly mortgage.

We've talked about how we'll start being more frugal, and how we're going to make it a really fun sort of project, to see where we can cut back. We're going to tap into our creativity and really try and find interesting, unique and innovative ways to shop, save, and spend differently. But faith will come in handy here, when we're feeling like it's too hard, when we're feeling deprived, our faith will help remind us that God cares for us and provides for us, and will not test us beyond what we can handle. I had originally started a frugal living blog, but I think perhaps I am spreading myself too thin, trying to maintain too many blogs that are really just sub-topics of my life, so I think I'll just merge that blog with this one, and continue to maintain our grief blog (Like a Sparrow Falling), as well as our new blog for our fundraising efforts to help other grieving parents (For Grieving Hearts).

I'm going to try and post here several times a week, to keep myself on track, and to let you all know what God's doing in my life and what pieces of scripture I'm thinking over and trying to apply.

Katie

Changes...

I'm very busy these days.

I didn't anticipate how much time, time for myself that is, that I would be sacrficing for my newly expanded family.

My days and nights are packed full, joyfully so, but I'm still busy and tired from it.

My days are undeniably full of joy and happiness, and the sweetness my new baby daughter Stella has brought to our family, it's fantastic, but I find myself missing my time for emotional and creative release. I miss being able to read, to write and to even think an entire thought. I never realized how important it was to me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings through writing and blogging, and since being too busy, and my arms being ever full of baby, I find my mind reeling trying to process my world and the events of my day without my most familiar and comfortable processing method, words!

But God has, quite graciously, granted me this time, right now, with three kids in bed and two hands free and a silent house all but for the dishwasher running. Here I sit at my computer screen with the delightful opportunity to spill my thoughts out and sort through them! Here I go!

Just about five weeks ago our beautiful new daughter Stella Evangeline made her arrival in this world! It was an experience that defies words. Amazing doesn't cut it. Beautiful doesn't do it justice. I just can't explain how satisfying and awe inspiring it was to deliver this amazing baby and hold her in my arms after a long and anxiety filled pregnancy. Every fear I held while pregnant with her fell away. Every worry I dwelled on evaporated on seeing sweet Stella being placed on my chest just seconds after being born. Pain was forgotten, and joy flooded the room in an instant. She's here! She's beautiful! She's healthy! God is ever faithful and so good to me! Stella is wonderfully unique, crafted to perfection by God and in trust to us, and I could not be happier or more grateful to Him for the opportunity to raise and love her.




We've exited the fear and worry zone and entered into sleepless nights and days filled with rocking and bouncing and shushing, and trying to make Avery and Landon feel loved and involved as well. It's not easy, but it's not been so bad either. Elvis has been a fantastic partner in it all, as always, and has even taken a parental leave to stay home with the kids and I, to truly enjoy this time together as a family. I'm grateful that we have this ability to be together and find our groove and I'm looking forward to what the coming weeks will hold for us in terms of growth and connecting as a family.

Now, that's the happy stuff I've been processing. I'm less excited to process and lay out the negative emotions I've been experiencing, but there are just a few I have to tackle.

Firstly, I want to snap my fingers and be 90 pounds lighter. Oh how I wish it were that simple. I've struggled with weight and self esteem my entire life it seems, it's a chronic condition for me but at the moment it is acutely flared up. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am ashamed of how I let myself fall apart. People tend to prickle when I use the word shame, like I should never be ashamed of myself in regards to my appearance, but I assure you I have plently of self love, but I do not have to love being overweight. I do not have to rejoice in the parts of me that are out of control. God wants me to be self controlled, gluttony is a sin, and I am quite guilty. To embrace over eating and laziness would be unhealthy and un-Godly, I think my shame is justified. I burried myself in weight, I've drowned emotions in food, I've spent days hidden away from the world instead of being out enjoying it. I've become unrecognizable and uncomfortable and I am desperate for change while being totally unsure of how to make it happen. Sure I've got motivation, and goals, I've got inspiration out the wahzoo! I want to be healthier, I want to live longer, I want to feel younger, I want to look better, I want nicer clothes that seem to be only available to the slender set. And mostly, I want to be desirable to my husband. Feminists across the world just cringed. But it's true. I want him to want me. I want him to like what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to feel a combination of desire and pride and protectiveness. I want to be the object of his affections. He loves me, but I am not the woman I was when he fell in love with me, not even close. I want to give him back the old me, well a version of the old me, slightly older, slightly wiser, and slightly more tired, but slim, attractive, healthy, energetic, fun and motivated. We both deserve to have her back.

But I struggle so hard with this. I flounder and flop and struggle. I don't understand it. I don't like it, and I feel weak in admitting that my eating issues seem so much bigger then me. It's on my agenda, I've got it on my radar, but I have no confidence that I can do it, I'm working on that.

This brings me to my marriage, which will forever be on my radar, and always on my agenda. It's not something I can afford to ever get complacent on. I've learned over the past years, that when it comes to marriage, you must never ever let your guard down, you can't ever just coast through, you need to be aware and engaged at all times. So we're at a place of transition, with a new baby and the joys and worries that come along with and I can sense a strain, which makes me fearful and anxious, but I am so grateful that God has already showed us what to do and how to do it and he's placed well appreciated resources in our lives to help us stay on top of things. I'm taking all spare moments in my day to focus on my marriage and the needs of my husband so we don't suffer a backslide, so we don't let anything wilt, and so nothing becomes a wedge between us in this time where our attentions are so divided. God put a hedge around us please and help bring us together when the pressures and stresses of the world would have us pulled apart. I'm learning so much about what a husband needs and what God requires of me as a wife, it's enlightening and I am eager to take what I have learned and put it to practice!

So there you have it, what's been on my mind for far too long. It feels so good to spill it out, however incoherant it may have been. I feel so blessed while also feeling so lost at times. I'm fearful still, and lonesome often, though I nearly never alone. I am emotional and undisciplined at times. I've fallen of the wagon more times then I can count, in my goals for my marriage, my weight and my blogging. I'm back on now, for now. I'm perfectly imperfect and begining to accept that, as well as the imperfections in those around me. And I am both excited and nervous when thinking about the months to come and the changes I hope to make as well as the ones I hope to avoid.

I'm hoping to become healthier, more outgoing and more vibrant. I'm hoping to fall in love with my husband all over again and for him to do the same, and for us to maintain it. I'm hoping to cherish every moment with my children and to be a mother worthy of the blessings they are. I'm hoping to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother and as a Christian. I'm hoping to change for good.

And only time will tell.

As it stands, God has blessed me. His love has been poured out on my family and my cup runneth over.

He is so good to me.

Katie

Dear Stella...

You're due in three weeks.

The anticipation has moved from comfortable excitement to officially antsy!

I've been feeling you moving for weeks and weeks, now I feel you rolling and burrowing and kicking, and I can't describe exactly how that makes me feel, something like elation. It amazes me, to envision you inside me, a real baby, ready to be born, just waiting for the perfect time to make your entrance into the world. I'm on pins and needles.

And though I can't sleep at night from various aches and ailments, I'm in love with this pregnancy. I'm in love with you. As eager as I am to have you in my arms, I have thoroughly loved holding you beneath my heart all these weeks.

I can't promise you perfection in this life, imperfection is lifes only promise. Life will be imperfect, so will I, but I do promise my love will come with good intentions and it will be unending.

I'm nervous though, in these last few weeks of pregnancy. I'm fearful, but not of pain or of labor, but of ghosts of experiences past. I'm entirely in love with you, but entirely flawed and human and scared of things I'd rather never mention to you. I don't want to burden you with my scars and my wounds, they're not your doing nor your concern. But I can't wait to have you here with us, in our arms and safe and healthy. I can't wait to get you in our home, in your room, safe.

You can't possibly know how loved you are just yet, but you will.

XO

Dear Avery



You are amazing. You are smart and beautiful. You are independent and spirited. You are strong willed and delightful. I can't believe how much I love you, and that love deepens every single minute we're together. We butt heads, and I expect that will also increase as time goes on. You challenge me to be a better mother, and you reward me with your sweet love and dazzling smile. You are one of my life's greatest pleasures, and I am so grateful to God that he blessed me with you. You're going to be a great big sister for Stella, you already are to Landon, I can't wait to see you sisters together. Joy!

XO

Dear Landon


You are heart-melting. You are cuddly and sensitive and funny and precious. You are a joy! I love that you love rockets and air planes and cowboys, I love that you're all boy, but that you kiss boo boos for others and you come to my defense when your sister is being sassy. You're going to be some lucky woman's dream come true some day, you're already mine! I don't know how I got so lucky, just to have you here in my life, you're a gift and you're good for my heart. You're stubborn and strong willed, but so eager to please. You're just like your dad, which is why you butt heads with him and not me. You're special and cherished and amazing. You're a dream come true! Your sisters are lucky to have you.

XO

Dear Everett


God only knows how much I miss you. You're in my heart and on my mind every minute of every day. I wish you were here. I wish you were always here. I haven't forgotten one moment. I haven't stopped grieving you, I never will. I'm still so full of love for you, and grief and confusion and sadness. I still don't know how to be whole, or normal without you, I bet that never changes. I'm still your mom. I can't hold you in my arms, and that is my life's biggest tragedy, but I hold you in my heart all day, every day. You changed me. You inspire me. You made me better. Your death broke me, so God could rebuild me, changed and better. I'd give anything to have done it differently though. We're having a new baby soon. You're going to be a big brother now, and I wish with all my heart that you could be here to greet Stella and welcome her into the world. I wish I had all my babies together here on Earth, I wish I didn't have to wait for a reunion in Heaven. But I will, because you're worth it.

XO

Dear God

You give and take away. I've learned to be gratful for the gifts, I'm still struggling with how to be grateful for the ones you take back.

I'm full of fear and anxiety. You know more then anyone how I worry about loss. It keeps me up at night, the fear of losing another child. You know how nightmares of saying goodbye to another child haunt me. Aparently this fear is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in your goodness and your plans for me and my family. And aparently my anxiety over separation from my children means I'm placing them above you in my priority list. I think that's true. I'm sorry I'm not there yet. I love them that much. I know I need to trust them to you fully, like Abraham did with Isaac, I'm sorry that I can't. I trusted you once before, with my child, with my heart, and you took him. You took my son and broke my heart. I've never been the same. I've been broken ever since. And fearful. I cling to my children now for fear that one day they'll be gone. I can't handle even the thought of it.

Undoubtedly you comforted me. You picked me up and gave me comfort when I was in my deepest sorrow, and I am grateful. Without a doubt I love you and how you've changed my heart and my life. I can see how you made something good from my life's biggest tragedy. I can see how you used my pain to transform me. My son died and I survived. I survived it once. Once. But I couldn't do it again. So I fear rather then trust. I can't hold Avery and Landon and Stella up to you and say do whatever you will with them. I can't hold them up to you and say they're yours and not mine. They're mine.

I'm sorry that this means I'm doing this wrong. I'm sorry if it means I'm holding something back from you. I'm sorry if loving them with the intensity I do is sin. I hope you know I'm still a work in progess. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to give this over to you. This is my heart. You know it, you made it, I hope you'll forgive it.

XO

A new year, and a new plan!

It seems that on the dawning of a new year, I'm always struck with a huge desire to deconstruct and reconstruct my life. I know I'm not alone in this. New beginings bring out the planner in me, they make me start dreaming of possibilities and goals, they give me hope.

This blog was born at the start of a new begining, when I was filled with hope and a desire to change and improve my life, and my marriage. This goal still remains, even though we made great changes and improvements in 2010! There's always work be to be done and more joy to be had!

This year will be a year of challenge and change for us.

We're expecting a new baby in April, we are overjoyed, and couldn't be more excited to meet this new addition. But, new baby means I'll be on maternity leave, it means living on less money, it means learning to budget, and to manage our time and money better. This year I'll have to learn to schedule and plan and organize, in order to really enjoy all the blessings God's given me, including time for my marriage, myself and my faith.

This will be a busy year for us all.

So, my goals for this new year, this exciting new begining, is to sharpen my time management abilities, by creating and actually following a schedule. I also need to learn to reign in our spending, I want to learn to craft and adhere a family budget, and I want us to have fun being frugal. I want to carve out a time each day for my faith, for reading the Bible and devotions, and for prayer, I've really slacked in this area and I know how vital it is for my spiritual health that I resume these things as soon as I can.

And of course, once our new baby arrives, I know I will be struck once more with a desire to improve myself, my health and my physical appearance. I cycle through this goal each and every year, but I don't want to talk myself into believing that because I have to do it again and again that I may as well give up, thats no attitude to have. So once our baby has arrived, I will also try and schedule in time for me and exercise and focusing on getting "me" back, to whatever degree a busy wife and mother can hope to achieve.

I hope, that I can carve out some time for blogging, because writing helps me focus and organize my thoughts, which I have always found helpful when it comes to reaching goals!

Happy New Year!

Its been a while......

I haven't blogged in a long time. Not that I haven't wanted to, but the weirdness of the internet got to me, it made me feel suddenly vulnerable, and it made me feel uneasy, and uncertain. I started blogging to help sort through my struggles and help me express my experiences, to both help me make sense of my world, but to help others make sense of their own, if they could in some way take something from my posts and apply it to their own lives. I started blogging for myself, but I definitely wanted to reach people, I wanted to share something with people, whatever it is I brough to the proverbial table that day. What I failed to realize, is that not all people out there reading blogs are looking to learn from others experience, not everyone is genuinely interested in the personal lives of others, not everyone is good intentioned, and when I experiened one of those "other" people, I felt stung and I wasn't certain what to do next, so I did nothing.

I've been doing nothing for a while now, and it's no more comforting then writing my blog and putting myself out there. So I want to step back in and keep writing my journey here, for me, and for those who are interested. I hope that God will lead readers here, who can benefit from my words, or at the very least, who will be sensitive to them. I hope that God will lead away those who are just out to play the Devil's advocate and be needlessly contrary.

I started this blog as a testimony, that God had swept into my life when it was in ruins and held me up while brick by brick I rebuilt what with careless ignorance we spent years tearing down. I wanted to document how new life was breathed into my home and my heart and my marriage. I had a luke warm belief in God until I experienced loss and pain so great my heart and soul called out for sanctuary, without my minds consent, and God answered, and faith came in abundance.

It's been an uphill climb to piece life back together, to salvage trust and hope and love and to nurse them from wilting to thriving once more, it's never been easy but faith and hope and trust in God has made it possible, and has helped us find light in the darkest of moments.

It's an ongoing journey, and I know we'll never reach perfection, it's not possible for us here on earth, but each new day we uncover tenderness we thought was unretrievable. We rediscover a connection we thought was forever lost. We feel something we thought we'd never feel again, and we're reminded that God is ever at work in our lives.

This is what I humbly believe, and I want to share it with those who are intersted once more.

Katie

Watching God

Tonight I'm sitting quietly by myself as the kids sleep.

Quietly except for the washing machine which is working much too loudly.

And I'm sitting here thinking how today I got to watch God work in my life.

I got to watch and wonder, what is He up to? Where is He going with all of this?

Today I watched God work, I watched pieces of His bigger plan unfold before my eyes and I wondered, what does this look like to Him, who can see past, present and future? How does this all pan out in the end?

I feel equal parts of terror and awe.

Equal parts of anxiety and calm.

God's moving and working, and I'm watching and waiting, and trying to trust His plan.

It's not easy.

But it's harder still not to imagine that He is answering prayers and righting wrongs.

It's hard not to imagine that this is God's way of granting us a "do over" of the things that have gone so awry in our lives this past year.

It's in His hands.

Those hands have worked miracles.

Katie

Water water everywhere....

Last night, off a long sloping green hilly yard, in a quiet little cove off a shallow but excited lake, 24 people, men, women and children, lowered themselves into the welcoming water and one by one, crossed their arms over their chest, plugged their noses and surrendered themselves to both the arms that submerged them in, and raised them from the water and to Jesus Christ.

I was among them.

Now, generally, I'm not fond of being the center of attention, and though I was eager, and happy to be taking this step in my Christian walk, I was admittedly very nervous. That sense of anxiety increased when we arrived at the home of our hosts for the evening and I saw the crowd forming. Friends, families, church members, all walking toward the lake with lawn chairs and blankets and excited smiles. Lots of people, well over one hundred had gathered to cheer on and support the 24 of us who on this evening were pledging our obedience and love for Christ in a very outspoken and public way. I had never felt so excited and vulnerable all at once.

The setting was beautiful, the instructions were clear and the crowd was warm and encouraging. The music was inspiring and the words spoken by our pastor were both assuring and affirming. I made this decision weeks ago, and now it was finally being enacted. It was time for me to publicly declare that Jesus is my personal savior, and to testify as to why, to tell everyone who would hear my message what I had experienced that brought me to this place of complete acceptance and obedience to Him. I was willing, yes, but was I ready? Ready as I'll ever be!

On that dock, waiting their turn, stood 24 incredibly different people. Old men needing assistance into the water, making their declarations late in life, to three young siblings, the youngest being 9, coming to the realization very early. Couples. Singles. Young. Old. Men and women. Each with a powerful and touching testimony, each with a unique tale to tell about how their lives had been impacted by Jesus and the loving mercy and abundant grace of God.

I was additionally blessed that our lovely counselor who used God's word like salve to help mend our broken marriage was there and assisted our pastor in my submergence. Her presence was another reminder that God has been working in my life. He has been healing my wounds, from my broken heart after losing Everett, to my again wounded heart and pride that accompanied my marital problems. God has been by my side. Jesus has been ever with me. And simple faith (though in reality, it is never simple), and trust, and obedience to His word, has made it possible for me to survive, and indeed thrive, in spite of the struggles I have come up against in this world.

From my place on the dock, and in the water, I looked up to the crowd on the hill and just barely make out my friends from small group, and and my children, and my husband, and I knew with absolute certainty that being baptized on this night, with these people, with this pastor, in this place, was the most right decision I could make. I can't say for sure that I felt God's presence, though I am certain He was there, I can say that I felt our collective joys buzzing in the air. Appreciation and happiness and love were common threads connecting the bodies in the water as well as the ones on the hill, clapping, cheering, singing and praising God.

On my walk back from the lake to the house, soaking wet and shivering, I came upon person after person offering hugs and congrats and pats on the back. Smiles. Genuine smiles and pleasant faces paraded past me and I felt a comforting sense of belonging to this amazing community of Christ followers, and this is significant to me, who has never felt overly comfortable in any group of people, the sense of belonging has constantly alluded me.





Typically, I fear the judgment of mankind. I am afraid to be looked down on or thought badly of. Even as I stood waist high in the water with my pastor on one side and my counselor on the other, I confessed, I was still afraid to have all these eyes on me. Their words focused me to what really mattered "This is about God and you, not them", and what God thought of me, and His judgments matter most, not that I had to fear my friends on the hill, who offered up nothing but good will.

Little more then two years ago, in a state of deep despair, I cried hard over the loss of my son Everett, and then cried out to God whom I was so furious with. In my pain I accused him of being absent, or non existent, or uncaring, and turned my back on him. But He waited for me. Patiently he waited for my anger to turn to a need so deep I could not ignore it. And months of grief festered in my heart, making me inconsolable and lonely beyond belief, finding no relief on my own. One night, while home alone and in indescribable pain, remembering Everett and struggling to make sense of our loss, I called out to God for relief, and it was granted. Grace poured out over me. It did not bring Everett back. It did not un-break my heart. It did not take away the grief. But it evaporated the loneliness. It eliminated the confusion. It soothed. It calmed. It comforted where there was no comfort before.

It has been a snowball effect from then on. By our hands Christ led us to a wonderful church, and a fantastic community of believers who have helped us grow our faith. And this most recent step of being baptized is a public declaration that God is at work in me and my life, and that I am forever and eternally grateful.

I have to share these words from my favorite song sang at the baptism service:

Alive in Us

I was lost, but now I'm found
Oh my God my world came crashing down
But You save
My sweet Jesus how you took my place

Please come down
We need You now
And we sing

Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us

You are faithful, You are true
Oh my God your grace came crashing through me
And You save
Your sweet Jesus how he took my place

Please come down
We need You now
And we sing

Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us

Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us

Katie

Completing Him Challenge-Week #5

This weeks challenge from Courtney at Women Living Well is this, communicate with your husband about time management, make a list of five things you currently do around the house, and then ask him to prioritize them for you according to how important they are to him.

This is a great challenge! I already know the value of knowing what is important to your spouse regarding work around the house and focusing on that, it's definitely a really big deal!

Elvis and I have had the pleasure of working with a really wonderful Christian counselor who had us read a book together called "The Five Love Languages." In this book we found an exercise where we each had to make a list of things we perceive as loving, that if our spouses chose to do for us, we would interpret and accept as acts of love. I was really surprised at how different our lists were! The words and actions I perceive as loving, and therefor use to demonstrate love to Elvis, don't mean or equal love to him! I thought I was being so doting and so loving, but he wasn't reading it that way, and vice versa, what he thought was loving wasn't registering with me! I think the same can be said for time management around the home! I could be totally focusing on things I think are important and helpful to him, but unless I specifically ask him if I'm on the right track with doing things he appreciates, I could be way out in left field.

Since last night was our first night back after my sisters wedding, and we're all a bit sleep deprived, Elvis and Avery are still catching some Z's, but once he's up and alert, I'm going to ask Elvis to help me prioritize my list and I'll be back!

Katie

Crying....

.....because I needed to.

Because it's therapeutic, and necessary some times.

Because my heart still hurts from old breaks.

Because scar tissue can hurt as badly as the original wound.

Because I'm human.

Because nothing can hurt more then these sadness's I'm carrying around, not even the headache I get from crying about them.

As I've said before, this blog is about rebuilding a better life on God's foundation, and that means examining all the cracks in the current foundation. I've got a ton of cracks, all kinds of weaknesses, all kinds of little places just waiting to cave in on me, if I'm not careful, if I'm not mindful and aware of all my damaged spots.

Better to be aware of them then to pretend they're not there.

So I'm crying over my healing but still aching broken heart. It's been broken so many times before, but through a real beating the past 2.5 years. It still hurts even though God has been patiently and delicately putting it back together, piece by piece. It's whole but it won't ever be the same. It won't ever work the same, or feel the same. It'll probably always ache.

But hopefully over time, the scars of insecurity, fear, shame, doubt, and grief will fade some, to a tolerable, livable degree.

Katie

Bad dreams.....

Last night I had a nightmare, I dreamed my world crumbled down around me and my heart was broken.

I woke up panicked and upset, and quickly realized, it was just a dream.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it, and how last night it was just a dream, but in the not so distant past, it was real. The heart break and the panic and the world in shambles, was intensely and painfully real.

And now I am prone to nightmares.

And fear.

And insecurity.

And jealousy.

And hatred.

And feeling a sense of inadequacy I didn't feel before.

And I'm wondering what lesson God has built in to all of this, and when I will learn it. When will the hurt cease to be hurt for hurt sake and start to be instructional or something to build on.

When will the bad dreams stop and when will confidence and security return?

I hope it's soon.

I want to be something more then healing.

I want to be something more then broken but patched, or torn but repaired.

I want to be whole and healthy, thriving even.

I want to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I want to trust.

Maybe that's the lesson, maybe I need to trust more, in God that is, and do His will which I already understand, and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, or my world to crumble around me.

Maybe that's it?

1 Peter 5:7 says, Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Psalm 34:4 says, I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

Perhaps it is my lack of trust in that God is taking care of me, and my family, and my marriage, and that He is also holding accountable people who are responsible for plotting against me and my marriage, and that I do not need to fear that is giving me nightmares and causing me stress?

Definitely something I need to think on and pray about.

Katie

Admiring Elvis......

This week the "Completing Him" challenge posed by Courtney of Women Living Well is to write a post about what it is we admire about our husbands, then show it to them and let them read it. Great challenge!

So, here goes. What I have always admired most about Elvis is his drive. He has an amazing work ethic, he's motivated and determined and never, ever lazy. He's a hard working man and I really admire that in him.

He's also very sensitive to the needs of others. He puts the needs of everyone else before his own.

He loves his family, even when it's difficult, he loves his parents, his siblings, his wife and his kids at all times.

He's a good provider, he scrimps and sacrifices and does without so that his children, and even I do not have to. He takes care of our home meticulously. He strives to improve it and maintain it and make it a great place to be.

He's silly, and funny and well liked. Seriously, everyone likes him. His co-workers like him, his patients like him, strangers like him, he's a good guy to be around.

He's smart. He's really good with numbers in a way I have never been, I admire him for his ability to do math in his head that I find hard with calculator!

He's strong. He's come through a lot of hardship, on his own and with me, and he's still standing. Life has tried to break him time and time again, but he let God into his world and he's been fortified by Him. His strength is amazing.

There's so much more about Elvis that I admire, but I'll leave it at this, he's a wonderful husband and father, and I feel blessed that God chose him for me, and then placed him in my path so I could find him.

Katie

It's been a while.......

Since I really spoke my mind here about my life and my marriage. We've been busy here.

Happy and busy.

I was thinking today though, about our separation. Someone brought it up and some of the more uncomfortable details were rehashed, only briefly, and I revisited some emotions I hadn't felt in a while.

Anger

Sadness

But mostly shame.

I feel ashamed that my marriage is so scarred in the eyes of others.

We're "that" couple. The couple that separated. The couple that almost got divorced.

My husband is the husband that left.

I'm the wife that was left.

Even though we've reconciled, sought and received wonderful Christian marriage counseling, and are doing so well in our rebuilding, it occurs to me every now and then that the world, our immediate little world might still see us broken.

Worse still, maybe they don't believe that there's any such thing as getting over what we have definitely gotten over. Maybe they think we're still broken. Maybe they're just waiting for it to all come crashing down again.

And I feel ashamed. I don't want my life and my marriage to be viewed that way. I have a good and loving marriage that overcame a huge obstacle. We hit a rough spot and came through it in tact, not broken, because if we were ever really broken would we be standing here together today? No, we'd be broken.

So, I was thinking about how God fits into all of this. Of course I believe that it was by the will and grace of God that Elvis and I managed to pull together when things were falling apart and that we healed what was dying in our marriage. God truly was that third strand in our rope, making us unbreakable. And he's using the ugly emotions, the anger, the sadness, the fear, and the shame, for good. He's making it speak to the power of His mercy and his grace and his love. He is so great that he can take the ugliest parts of our life and make it useful and good. He took our marriage issues, our separation, our fears and also our trust, our faith and our courage and gave us a new start, as well as a testimony. We can now testify that even the nastiest and ugliest marital issues can be overcome, and that God is ever present for love and support during your hard times.

God grows flowers from dirt.

I'm so thankful that God has taken such an interest in me and my marriage.

I'm so grateful that He gave us a wonderful church and caring Christian friends.

I'm so thankful for the Christian blogs he's led me to online when I'm searching for like minded women.

God has been taking such good care of me, even when my life has gotten ugly and hard, He's been there walking me through it, and it's been a while since I acknowledged how He is working in my life.

He is.

Katie

Falling behind......

On my summer marriage challenge! I didn't mean to miss last week, time just got away from me!

Last weeks challenge was to share some wedding photo's and review how scared that day was, so here they are:

I think on this day, we had no idea how sacred it really was. We had no concept of how big the covenant we were making was, and how deeply God valued it and expected us to value it as well. We knew we loved each other and wanted a life together, but aside from that, we were so naive. If we knew then what we know now, we would recognize the sacredness of it in a much bigger way.

And now, we're onto part four of Courtney's Completing Him summer marriage challenge. This week is about praying daily for your husband and I am fortunate enough to already own the book "The Power of a Praying Wife", so I'm all set. The hard part of this challenge will be getting Elvis to tell me what he wants me to pray about, but I'll do my best!

Katie