In the springtime.....

.....comes the thaw.

At last!

Beautiful, new, fresh things are blooming. Making their way to the surface after a long, and cold winter. Both literally, and metaphorically speaking. The cold is giving way to warmth, and beautiful new things are coming to life. It's invigorating.

My marriage has gone through a harsh cold winter "season", and though the last few months have been full of improvements, I now finally feel like "spring" is dawning, and the last of the chill is melting away. It's joyous and exciting and indescribable, to see the buds of love, trust and romance peeking through once more.

And with this springtime dawning on our marriage, the foundation of our family life, the warmth is spilling over into our kids and our home and we're reaping so many beautiful blessings these days, and I am incredibly thankful, and am quite aware of who the glory belongs to.

Faith is blooming too. Just when you think that your faith or your gratitude can't get any bigger, it does, I have so much capacity to grow in my knowledge and love for God. We went to church today, as a family, for the first time in what feels like forever. Apparently our fellow church members felt the same way, as we got several looks today, looks that say "welcome back prodigal believers." But that's okay, they were friendly looks, welcoming looks, and I appreciated knowing our absence was noticed, as was our return, I think that just means that we belong, and we have a church we call home.

And, beyond the metaphors, spring is on the way. It's warming, it's thawing, and the sun is shining more and more. It's beautiful, and full of hope and promise of things to come!

Life is good!

Katie

The athlete in me

To those of you who know me very well, stop laughing! I'm not joking at all.

Today I've been pondering the athlete in me. I'm wondering if there's one in there, deep, deep inside this overweight and out of shape mama. Maybe?

Today Elvis was shopping for running shoes, just browsing, and it triggered something in me. Maybe I'd like to run some day? I dream about running all the time (bet you didn't know that!). I dream about running so fast that I'm practically soaring. Maybe that means something.

So, I propositioned Elvis. I asked him if he wanted to start running with me later this year, when I've lost enough weight and built enough exercise tolerance to actually run without promptly dying. He said yes, so there's pressure on now. I told him about my curiosity about my inner athlete, and I was surprised when he didn't completely balk, or fall to the floor of Spork Chek laughing. He questioned what sport it is I think I might like. I told him, I like soccer. And it's true, I do like soccer! One gym class stands out vividly in my memory, a grade 7 or 8 game of out door soccer, and it wasn't traumatic at all. To those of you who know me well, you can vouch for me, that there weren't many days in gym class that I didn't find traumatic. But this game of soccer agreed with me, I liked it, and had fun. That's big.

So, I think, buried beneath 55-65 extra pounds, a runner, or soccer player may lay in wait. How exciting! I get revved up just thinking about physically training for "My Sport." I get excited about a project beyond losing weight. Imagine weight training. Muscles emerging. Tone developing. Strength improving. Lung capacity increasing. Health bettering. Sounds good to me.

So, project one, lose weight and build some cardio endurance, and then on to the fun stuff!

On a very good note, I've lost 11 pounds already! Go me!

Katie

Thinking about forgiveness.....

Sometimes, when I'm going about my life feeling pretty good about myself, maybe getting a little too happy with myself, I'm struck with a reminder about my human-ness, my sinfulness. And that's a good thing. It's not good to get too proud or too pleased with oneself, and I know this. So a few minutes ago I'm feeling pretty good about me, and then I go browsing Facebook and I'm hit with all sorts of ugly emotions that remind me how human I am, and how sinful I am, and how badly I need a savior in my life.

Because I feel hatred when I should be feeling love.

Because I feel bitterness when I should be feeling love.

Because I feel anger when I should be feeling love.

Because I harbor resentment when I should forgive.

I need to really work on my ability to forgive.

I'm quick to tell others that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, I'm quick to point out that usually only the grudge holder suffers. But when it comes to applying that in my own life, I'm not so quick. I'm holding a BIG grudge. It's ugly and strong and laden with bitterness and anger, it's not good. And since I don't see this person daily, it's easy to forget those feelings are there. It's easy for me to pretend I've forgiven and forgotten, until something happens that reminds me how unhealed those wounds are and how alive my grudge still is. It doesn't feel good to hate. It feels awful to resent. And it's true, that holding a grudge IS like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And I don't want feelings like this in my heart and in my life.

I want to learn to forgive.

In fact, the Bible says we have to.

Matthew 6:14-15
14 "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

If we want to receive God's forgiveness, we have to be willing to give it as well. And I have a lot to be forgiven for, I need God's grace and his forgiveness of my shortcomings and sins, so I guess I better suck it up and start giving it out.

Ephesians 4:32 offers an alternative to bitterness and hatred and unforgivness...
32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Tall order. VEEEEEEERY tall order. Insurmountable I might even say. But through Christ all things are possible, so I won't say it. But how? How do you forgive someone who wronged you? Who disregarded your feelings? Devalued your relationships? Underestimated your value? How? You just do. And once you do it, stick to it, no going back. There's no atonement. To retribution. No revenge. It's just done.

I'm trying. Because I have to. And because it will feel better when I do. If you'll pardon a disgusting medical analogy, it will be like lancing a boil! The bitterness will be released like an infection. The pain will subside. The irritation will go away with time and healing will begin. Gross analogy, but fitting.

Once I've got this big forgiveness out of the way, I'll be all warmed up and ready to forgive some more, I'll be on a forgiveness roll and that should be pretty fun! Who knows who and what I'll forgive next! Our marriage counselor says that Elvis and I will have a forgiveness assignment coming up, that'll be a horse of a different color, but after I get this really big resentment off my back I'm sure our homework between one another will be all the easier to approach and tackle! And all forgiveness is good. Forgiveness makes way for all kinds of good things. Like love and joy and trust and contentment. So I'm ready to try it!

One last piece of fitting scripture before I go:

Hebrews 12:14-15
14 Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.

Good stuff! The Bible is full of it! (Who knew?)

Katie

Baby steps.....

I made a little baby step towards my goal of becoming more physically active and towards weight loss. We're talking a really small baby step. I did 21 minutes of step aerobics on my Wii Fit, and I really enjoyed it, I think I'll do more later!

Also, I drank WATER (*gasp*). Those of you who know me well know that me drinking water is a not a small thing, I never, ever, drink water, so I feel accomplished!

I'm trying to frame up this weight loss business in a way that makes it feel more serious, not something I can pick up and put down whenever I want. Many times I try and make myself accountable to others, naively thinking that I won't fail if someone else is expecting me to succeed, but that's proven to be wrong time and time again. I keep thinking, if it's just for me, then who cars if I fail? And I keep thinking, now's not a good time, I'll try again later. My weight and my physical health just keeps falling to the bottom of my personal priority list, and I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, but it does.

Every day I carry this extra weight, every day I prove I don't have what it takes to lose it, is a day spent feeling insecure and self conscious. It's a day spent feeling like a failure.

Every day I carry this extra weight, feeling unattractive and self conscious, is a day spent keeping my husband at an arms distance and being guarded. It's a day sending negative messages about body image to my daughter.

Every day I carry this extra weight, feeling achy and burdened, is a day feeling older then I am, and a day missing out on what life has to offer. It's a day wasted that could have been spent playing energetic childrens games with my kids.

So much time and energy is wasted, so many days, so many opportunities, gone by and not truly enjoyed because my body is tired and burdened, and so is my mind.

But how can I get on the right track? How can I look at this challenge differently? Scripture maybe?

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says
19 Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself,20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

It's interesting.

My body is God's temple, because the Holy Spirit lives in believers. And my body does not belong to me but to God, who bought it with a high price (Jesus), so I need to honor it.

Honor it, not waste it.

Honor it.

How can I honor God with my body?

I think the answer is to use it. Use it! Do with it what it was intended to do. Move it.

Also, don't be ashamed of it. Love it. Love it because God made it and it's perfect and made in His image, good as it is. Love it. That's a toughie for me.

1 Peter 3:3-5 says
3 What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—4 but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in.5 The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands.

God teaches that our inner beauty is what concerns him, and that it's far more valuable then external beauty. So while I work on making my body healthy, which will translate into weight loss, I can focus on my inner beauty, creating a gentle and gracious manner, and being good to my family and husband.

I've been fighting this battle with myself for years. For as long as I can remember. I've rarely ever been satisfied with my body. I've always felt too heavy, too tall, too big, too slow, too frumpy. It's time for a body revolution.

A mind and body make over!

So, I'm hoping to be fighting this battle for the very last time, and for the first time with God as my guide and secret weapon defending against self sabotage. I'm hopeful and excited and that's got to be a good thing, it certainly can't hurt.

Katie

Something new and exciting.....

Tomorrow is the launch of my new home business. I'm nervous and excited all at once. This is new, and its unknown, but its got me revved up and eager to see what I can do, so that's a good thing.

I learned about his business from a friend, who I am sure was seeking the same things I am. A challenge, and a change. I love nursing, I do, its rewarding, exciting, and pays well, but I'm starting to feel a little one dimensional and stale, I wanted something that would refresh me.

I feel fortunate that my friend told me about this business, because I feel like its going to satisfy a few needs of mine.

1. Its going to provide a challenge and a change.
2. Its going to provide additional income.
3. Its going to provide the opportunity for socializing.
and last but not least..
4. Its going to provide a boost to my personal style, a big bonus for sure.

I remember back when Elvis and I first started dating. I had just lost a bunch of weight, and I was 21 years old and in college, and I had a style. I had a look. And I think I looked good. But time, and kids, and grief, and stress, and business, have all taken their toll and I find myself looking nothing at all like the Katie of 8 years ago. I know I can't be that version of me again, but I can definitely revamp this version! I want style, I want flair, I want there to be something special about me. Most of all, I want to catch my husbands eye again.

So, I'm starting a new business, and a new adventure. Selling really lovely and unique jewelry. I get to be a personal stylist, a shopping assistant, to ladies with style, or maybe to ladies like me, who are seeking a change, who are looking to add back some sparkle to their looks and their lives! This is exciting!

But, I'm nervous too. It's a step outside my comfort zone. And its a commitment. It will take time and effort and planning and perseverance. It's not something I take lightly, and I want to succeed. I want to give it my best efforts and I want to make this business something I can be excited about and proud of for some time. Eventually, when I get my groove and get established, I'd like to help other women get started with their own business, and see them reap the benefits as well!

And I can't help but think of the extra income and about how my family will benefit from my hard work. Not that we're not doing alright for ourselves right now, but we've fallen into some debt traps over the years that we're still climbing out of, and there are little things here and there we'd like to buy that we have held off on, and its exciting to think that any extra income I generate will help us to pay down debts and treat ourselves.

I'm a day dreamer, what can I say. I make plans, big plans, I see them in my head like a movie, and I get very, very excited! I always have, and I suspect I always will. Tomorrow I get to test the waters. I get to see how this business will work, how it will run, how people will respond. Its my first run at it, and I'm nervous, and afraid of failure, so I've turned to scripture for some advice and encouragement, and guess what? It never fails!

On the topic of being afraid, and uncertain about this new adventure I found this....

James 1:2 says
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

2 Timothy 1:7 says
7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

I need to face this task with excitement and joy, I need to take this challenge as an opportunity to trust in God, and to praise Him, because He has equipped me with what I need to do this well. How's that for motivation!

But, scripture also yields a warning....

Ecclesiastes 5:10 says
10 Those who love money will never have enough. How meaningless to think that wealth brings true happiness!11 The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it. So what good is wealth—except perhaps to watch it slip through your fingers!

I have to be sure to not get consumed with making money, so much that it distracts me from my life's true riches, my husband, my children, our family and our home. More money does not mean more happiness, and this is a mind set both Elvis and I need to work hard to break. More things do not equal more happiness, and having more money will mean absolutely nothing at all if the time and effort it takes to make it takes me from my family excessively.

And finally, on the matter of what to do with my extra income....

1 Timothy 5:8 says
8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

I need to use it to provide for my family. I need to use it to lessen my husbands burden and provide for my kids. That is my first priority. The temptation of course is to use my profits to spoil myself, to buy myself little pick me ups and luxuries, its crossed my mind more then once. But I'm going to be certain to make sure I use any money earned by my new business to care for Elvis and Avery and Landon first, and charity second in Everett's name. There are many charities that touch our hearts, and I look forward to contributing to their cause. And lastly, when there's money left over, I will allow myself a treat here or there, because taking care of me is important, but not my first priority.

Wish me luck! Tomorrow I'm embarking on a new career and a fresh new challenge. I'm nervous but prepared. And even if I start off slow, I am determined to keep at it, persisting and enjoying the challenge, and using it to do some good for my family and others. I'll keep you posted!

Katie

Tackling weightier issues....

Pardon the pun! I am talking about weight here!

A while back I got a book for myself, called "Thin Again: A Biblical Approach to Food, Eating and Weight Management" by Judy Wardell Halliday, RN, and Arthur W. Halliday, M.D. I never gave this book much of a chance, because I couldn't identify with some of the content personally, but I've decided to give it another chance, and this time with a more open mind.

The back cover of the book asks,

Do you find yourself preoccupied with food?

Do you eat when you feel depressed?

Has food become your best friend or your worst enemy?

Have you failed repeatedly in your weight loss efforts?

And they promise this book can help, if you've answered yes to any of the questions, I answered yes to all of them!

Now, I'm not going to do a book review or a book report, but I am going to re-read this book and try and apply its teachings to my life. A lot of it makes good sense, and a lot of it sounds like me, and I think the problem I had with it last time was allowing the label of "disordered eating" to apply to me, I had to remove the stigma and the preconceived notions about that term before I felt comfortable acknowledging that I don't have a healthy relationship with food. I've been deluding and misleading myself into believing that I can correct my issues with food on my own, but look where I'm at with that? Still overweight, still plotting and planning and scheming on how to lose it, but absolutely no further ahead.

So, today I'm looking at the book's list of causes of disordered eating, and of them all the only one I can really say applies to me, is having been a very sensitive child, which I think I definitely was, and well, I still am very sensitive. I've always used food as comfort, and for celebration, and as medication for an emotional hurt. Its a deeply ingrained pattern in my life, and I think if I could have changed it on my own, I would have by now. Thin Again suggests that we're satisfying a spiritual hunger with food, which may temporarily silence our hunger pains, but never adequately or for long.

My challenge to myself is recognizing that I eat too many times when I am not actually hungry, but rather have a spiritual need to be filled, or possibly an uncomfortable emotion that needs to be dealt with, like loneliness or depression or grief. This will tie in with my marriage and with grief issues with Everett, and also with the daily stressors of life. I need to start learning better and more effective coping mechanisms, like prayer and journaling etc... and not immediately turn to ice cream or chocolate or left overs to calm my nerves and prevent emotional outbursts.

What's wrong with letting out those emotions anyway? What's so scary about unpacking those feelings and examining them and dealing with them in a productive way so they don't keep coming back to haunt us? I don't know why I'm so hesitant to speak up when something is bothering me, again, I have a task to work on.

Romans 8:1-3 says
1 With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud.2 A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.3 God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all

I really like "A new power is in operation". I love the revelation that Christ is a new power and with faith in him we can give him the control and be free of our struggles and that dark cloud that hangs over head.

Jesus personally took on the "human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity" and he set it right once and for all!

Its the human condition to struggle and I love knowing that by faith in Jesus, I can struggle less and succeed more, in releasing worries and hurts and past disappointments, and I can become less burdened and experience real freedom. That's pretty exciting!

Katie

Me. The wife.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days (hence the lack of writing), on being a wife. I've been researching and reflecting on what that means, and how that differs from what I have believed and how I have been playing out my role as wife.

I'm thinking I've undervalued the title of "wife", and that I have never really understood the significance of the role. Without having fully understood who a wife was and what a wife does, I've never really lived up to my wifely potential.

After having nearly lost my marriage, and having received a second (and God given) chance to revive and revitalize my marriage, I've been giving some consideration to how that can be done. Being a Christian has helped me zero in on some good resources that talk about God's view of marriage, and how He created gender roles for his creations, man and woman. I've got some good books, and some good online resources, and I've been studying up!

What did God have planned for women?

What did God want for marriage?

What roles is a wife supposed to fulfill?

What does a good wife do/look like?

Its been enlightening. I've had some "ah ha" moments, and some flat out "HAHAHA" moments as I've stumbled upon some parodies of marriage which are clearly skewed from God's original view (so offensive they're funny), but I've been truly learning and what I have learned has been very important to my self growth as a woman and wife.

It seems antiquated, but I don't mind. It stands in opposition to the feminist movement (which itself stands in opposition to the order God created for mankind to follow, but of course this is a different debate all together!), but I'm not a feminist and again, I don't mind. Its actually comforting, its simplicity and "old fashioned" feeling isn't offensive to me in the least, there's a peace in knowing and following God's plan, which I think is a built in reward to let us know we're on track.

So, I've had some questions and I've searched scripture (if you haven't been to YouVersion yet, go now!) and I've found some answers, and I feel satisfied with what I've learned. Here are some of the verses I've found on the matters of being a wife and on marriage.

Genesis 2:18-God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I'll make him a helper, a companion"

God made man first, and then immediately decided that it wasn't good for that man to be alone. He set to work subduing man long enough to borrow a rib and fashion a helper, a companion for him. He made woman for man, a gift, a friend and lover to keep man company, to enrich his life and to help him with whatever he needs helping with. That's us. That was our biblical design, our God given purpose, be a companion and helper for men, to be good to them and for them. God knew man would need us, and designed us and placed us accordingly. It's a pretty noble calling I think, and a place of significance right? God knew man would not be happy or fulfill his purposes without us, that's special, not insulting.

Malachi 2:15-God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage.

God designed marriage, the first union of man and woman happened between Adam and Eve, God's first human creations. Marriage is as old as time. So are its "rules" and guidelines on how to do it God's way, which is inherently the right way, since He designed it, patented it and wrote the instruction manual. Now I realize that this is hard for some to digest, since you'd have to be a Christian to believe this, which I am, so this sits well with me.

Now, on the importance of the role of wife, I found these two verses from Proverbs, which really outline how vital the role is, how important wives are to their husbands, how special the job is.

Proverbs 12:4-A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid wife is cancer in the bones.

That's a pretty big statement. A hearty wife invigorates her husband, but a frigid wife is like cancer in the bones? Big responsibility isn't it? We as wives are so important to our husbands, that we can make them invigorated, or make them ill like cancer in the bones? We have the power to build them up, or tear them down. We're very powerful people, whether we know it or not, our role as wife carries a lot of responsibility.

Proverbs 31:18-She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.

This one is in the context of a wife doing her daily routine. Sure, it may be mundane, maybe its hectic, maybe she feels run down, over worked and under appreciated, but she senses the worth of what she does, and she is in no hurry to quit. She knows, this Proverbs 31 wife knows that what she's doing, for her husband and family is vital and important, and does it with a sense of duty and grace. Its not mundane, and its most certainly not unimportant work. She's maintaining the most important place on earth, her home and her families home.

For some, these roles might seem dated, sexist, and unappealing. I get it. But because this blog is about me, digging out a better version of myself from this mess I've made of my life, I'm going to embrace them. God's done a lot for me in the past few years. I've seen the difference believing makes. I've lived it, I've felt it. There's a shift you can feel, when you move from complete doubt to absolute faith. He hasn't steered me wrong yet, and I trust He won't. So, as a part of my life, and my increasing faith, I'm going to employ God's vision for me in marriage.

I'm going to strive to be a Godly wife, and woman. I'm not going to look at it as outdated, or sexist or backwards, but rather I'll view it as liberating and enlightening and satisfying, FINALLY having direction and guidance for marriage, which can be tricky and hard to navigate on your own. After all, we didn't do so good leaning on our own abilities and understandings right? Look where we were just a few short months ago. Separated. Living apart. Planning custody agreements. Planning a divorce. Marriage in shambles. Both of us in incredible pain, the aftermath of having torn apart the one flesh that we became when we married before God. And by His Grace, a miracle, a second chance was given, and here we are. Rebuilding! Starting anew, and building this new marriage and life on the word of God. All the better for it.

Another book I am reading is called, What Husbands Need, and its also quite enlightening. It's a small book but its crammed with some insights I wouldn't have come to on my own. I could write a whole book report on it, but I won't do that now. What I will mention is the point that struck me most while reading yesterday. Husbands need their wives to be their best friends, their wing man! I thought that was cool. Have I ever been Elvis's wing man? I'm not sure I can say I have. What do wing men do? They back up their lead guy, they offer support, they help them defeat enemies and overcome obstacles. Sounds like what God designed us for doesn't it? The analogy of a wing man is a little easier to swallow then say a cheerleader, but its essentially the same. Provide support, build them up, make them know they aren't alone and they've always got back up, and friendship in their wives. I like it.

I'm excited to embrace this new role, and to see how God rewards our marriage for it. I trust He will.

Katie

In with the new!

So, we're two weeks into the brand new year and I've just started to finally make some tangible changes to our lives. We're starting to get our hands dirty, getting down to work and it feels good!

We're tackling a few categories, budgeting, organization, and I'm taking aim at my own personal challenge, weight loss.

For our budget, the first step we've taken, is making on. Well, actually we had one, so we tweaked it to suit our current situation, and now we're going to follow it. We're going to use the evelope system that Dave Ramsey teaches to make sure we adhere to this budget and are always aware of how much we've spent and where it went. We started today, so far so good, but we have a few birthday presents to buy, a few extra little bill payments to make, so we'll have to be very careful to not be extravagant or careless with our money, so it can last us until the next pay.

The goal of getting organized is also off to a slow start, but we're getting there. Coincidentally our organization challenge for January also deals with making a budget and a schedule, so we're doing that. We're scheduling, we're writing things down, we're using our very fancy and big new calendar to keep everyone informed of what's coming up, and I've even started using a little self made schedule for my day, to help me fit in all the little things I need/want to get done in the hours I have to do them.

I'm most excited about the weight loss goal however, because its my own personal mountain to climb, and its a big one, one I've tried to climb time and time again but have failed to succeed. So, this time around, I'm excited, I feel renewed and hopeful and can envision my successs, my triumph when I finally to make it to the top of this previuosly insurmountable mountain of a goal. But, I always feel this way when I start. Always. I always start out with good intentions. I even have a plan all laid out and ready to go. I always have a goal, a plan, and some sort of spark in me to make it all happen, but guess what always happens? That spark goes out. I lose my drive. I get tripped up, I get discouraged, and I quit, only to repeat this cycle in the near future.

So, why do I continue to get excited? Why do I continue to think I can succeed? Hope I suppose. People do succeed at weight loss. People with more weight to lose then I have, they succeed at weight loss. Shows like The Biggest Loser show us it can be done, they show us that weight loss, improved health and improved self confidence can be achieved through very hard work and diligence. And as a Christian, I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Phillipians 4:13). Perhaps what is different this time around, from all the past efforts, is that until now I have relied upon my own abilities and understandings, I've been putting my faith in ME, rather than in Him, and hence, my failure .

Scripture also says:

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!



So, I've failed before, time and time again, I've come up short. But, that was then, and this is now, and I'm new again in Christ. Out with old and in with the new, AND, I can do all things now through Christ who gives me strength. I've got a goal, a plan, a spark, AND Christ to drive me and encourage me. Is it any wonder I feel hopeful that success is attainable this time around?

I've got goal deadlines too, special days coming up that I'd like to have little successes by. The first goal date is our family trip to Florida in about 6 weeks! The second goal is my sister's wedding in July, and the third goal date is my 6th wedding anniversary in August. The final goal date is my 30th birthday in September.

By goal one, I'd like to lose 15 pounds

By goal two I'd like to lose 50 pounds

By goal three I'd like to lose 65 pounds

By goal four I'd like to lose 70 pounds.

Big goals I know, maybe lofty, maybe ambitious, maybe unrealistic, but I'm reaching high and hoping to not be daunted by life, and not to be derailed should God have other plans that don't look just like mine.

It feels good to get started on my goals, to take them from points on a to do list and make them realities. It makes me feel like I'm making progress and that my life, our lives, are slowly being transformed into something more vibrant and joyful!

Have you made any progress in your new years ambitions? What have you done? What would you like to do that you haven't been able to get started just yet?

Katie

Do-Over!

Remember when you were a kid, and you lost at a game, messed up the punch line of a joke, were totally annihilated by a friend in some sort of competition (skipping, hopscotch, thumb wrestling), and you called a do-over? You declared a fresh start, demanded a clean start and hoped you'd do better the next time around (and if not, call a do-over!).

Do you still call do overs if you're defeated, or come up with results less then you hoped for? Or do you accept defeat, and label yourself mediocre, and just deal with it? Which way sounds better?

I'm calling a Do-Over in my marriage, that's essentially what this blog is all about. We didn't get it right the first time, not even close, we came up with much less then we hoped for and dreamed of, and for a while there it looked like we were going to accept defeat and walk away, with "Failure" or "Loser" stamped across our foreheads. But then God called a Do-Over, well, he called me to call one, and I did, and thank God he seemed to plant the same seed in Elvis's heart, and we started one together.

But Do-Over's aren't necessarily easy, nor do they guarantee you'll triumph the next time around. No, there's still much work to be done, and many sacrifices to make, and plenty of pride to swallow, and really ugly "big girl" pants to put on (or "big boy" if you're a man, sorry to be exclusionary, if that's even a word). Its hard work to get up the nerve to try again where you've failed before. It takes some courage to put yourself out there for everyone to see, and to have your closest friends and family watch as you try and piece together what you broke (you being the married couple, not any one individual). I can honestly say that it feels like the "world", our world, is watching and waiting to see if it can be done, or if we'll fail again. Its nerve wracking wondering who's on your side and who thought you were better just cutting your losses and walking away. Its intimidating knowing that some people are hoping you'll fail, or at the very least, they're not helping you succeed one bit.

It takes big nerve to try again, and to do with your head held high and your faith placed in God, and to do what you know is right even when many don't understand it or support it. I didn't see it this way when I was a kid, I thought kids who constantly called Do-Over's were poor losers, or spoil sports, but maybe they're just kids who will grow into adults who refuse to accept defeat, they refuse to just walk away from a challenge when it means so much to them.

So this Do-Over of ours, its not easy. Its messy and scary and feels sort of like walking a tight rope, so afraid to mis-step and fall. We've been going to counseling, Christian counseling, which is sort of like commissioning God to fashion a safety net for us, and we're just now testing it out, and are hoping that it works. We know we need to trust it will work, but that fear is built in and hard to rise above. There's so much more to be said and so much more to be done before our confidence and security in us has been renewed and we feel like our Do-Over was a success. There are so many bumps in this road and with each one we go over and don't break down I'm relieved and hopeful that we'll handle the next one just as well.

But I'll tell you again, sticking it out, challenging some societal beliefs that its best to just cut ties and cut losses and better luck next time, its harder then it seems. Its not easy to boldly carry out God's will when it doesn't make sense according to man's selfish will, but its far more rewarding in the end.

Is there some area in your life that you need to call a Do-Over in? Something you've failed at but are too afraid to try again? Have you been burned by a past disappointment but feel called to give it another shot?

Why not? Be bold, be brave, have faith and just do it, call your Do-Over and declare yourself clean slate! Reach out and take your second chance. No one will stop you. Chances are a lot of people will gather to watch you try though, so be prepared for onlookers, cheerleaders and naysayers alike. And no matter what they say, do it anyway.

I was never willing to let my marriage crumble to pieces and wash away with the tide like a fallen sandcastle. Not ever. But fighting for it seemed futile and scary and humiliating. But that passes. We weathered a storm, first separately and then together, and now those storm clouds are receding with the presence of the Son (note I said Son, not sun, not a spelling mistake!). It didn't feel good to be separated, like two halves of one being, torn apart, and the healing together again has been pretty uncomfortable at times. Healing is like that sometimes. We'll have scars now, no doubt, but we'll call them badges instead, outward declarations of our private (and sometimes not so private) struggle to hold on two what we are and what we have, and what God wants us to have. These scars, um, badges, will have purpose, they won't be in vain, they're battle scars achieved in a noble fight. Marriage, good marriage, God marriage, doesn't come easy, its a constant battle to keep it real, keep it honest, keep it noble, keep it fresh, keep it grounded, keep it reliable. I don't think you ever stop fighting for love and trust.

And you can call as many Do-Overs as you need!

Katie

Redefining self....

Who are you? Do you know the answer to that question? What makes you who you are and do you feel like the person you are on the inside really shines through to the rest of the world? Is the "you" that you see when you look in the mirror the "you" that you want to see? Or, is the "you" that you see accurate? Do you really see "you."

Who were are isn't static, its fluid, it changes with every experience, good and bad, we're continuously building on to ourselves, we continually evolve. That's good news I think, because you then know, that should you one day look into a mirror and no recognize yourself, you can change. You can renovate yourself, you can start from the ground up and become someone else, if one day you don't like who you see in the mirror.

So, who are you? Think on it. What makes you up? What experiences, good or bad, sculpted you into the person you are today? What do you like about you? What needs to change?

When I started this blog, which is all about change, I knew that personal change would be a big part of his life renovation. Its the biggest part. Thankfully I enjoy getting all introspective and digging deep into the core of me, and I'm not daunted by getting real with myself. I'm fantastic at recognizing a need for change, I can make an impressive plan to do it, but then I fall short on the next step, the follow through.

So, who am I? That's a big question, and it's hard to answer.

I am of course, a woman, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a nurse, these are the things all people can see at a glance.

Just beneath that first outwardly visible layer, I'm an artist, a writer, a photographer, these are some things that not everyone sees.

I'm smart but insecure.

I'm sensitive but have a hard shell around me.

I'm blessed but I'm wounded.

I'm hopeful but I'm apprehensive.

I'm generous but I'm guarded.

I'm laid back but easily riled up.

I'm defensive.

I'm protective.

That's me on the inside.

But who do I want to be? Who would I like to be, if I could be anyone, anything? What traits to I want to have?

I want to be confidant.

I want to be secure.

I want to be light hearted.

I want to be joyful.

I want to be spirited and energetic.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

I want to be easy to be around.

I want to put others at ease.

I want to be healthy.

I want to be buoyant.

I want to be capable.

I want to be a fun, warm, loving mom.

I want to be a loving, warm, passionate and dependable wife.

I want to be a trustworthy and reliable friend.

I want to be a grateful and loving daughter and sister.

I want to be a skilled, compassionate nurse.

I want to be a dependable co-worker.

I want to be a talented photographer.

I want to a fashionista.

I want to be eye catching no matter where I am or what I am doing.

I want to stand out.

I want to feel young, like, my age ;)

I want to feel multi-faceted, I want there to be many sides of me and I want to live them all, I don't want life to be a one dimensional and monotonous, "oatmeal" experience.

I want to be a better Christian, I want to learn more and love more and be more Christ like in the future.

I want to be vibrant, I wand to radiate life.

I want to shake of the dust that's settled on me over the past few years and start really and truly living this life again. With children and husband and family in tow, I want to start living a more vibrant and fun and energetic life!

Who's with me? Can you rhyme off who you are now, the good and the bad? Its hard to be that honest sometimes, because who wants to admit that they're tired, uninspired, lonely, guarded, bitter, or judgmental? Its not easy to be honest about who you've become. But next, make a list of who you want to be, and what you want life to look at, its the only way to know what you need to do to get there!

My first step in becoming who I really want to be is accountability. I hope that this blog will help me keep it real, and keep me on track, because I'm going to be updating you all along the way. I want to lose weight, and that's my biggest personal struggle, its hard to get started, and it seems that its even harder to stay focused long enough to get results. I get disappointed, I get down on myself, I make really high expectations for myself and I usually end up feeling like a failure when I don't meet them. Its a cycle I really need to break.

So, step one, get a weight loss plan and stick with it! Sounds easy peasy right? NOT! But, we shall see, I've got lots of tools available to me. I've got a treadmill, an exercise bike, weights, a Wii fit, and lots of friends to cheer me on! I can do this. I think I can do this. I hope I can do this. I HAVE to do this.

I will be so great to finally unburden myself and become a happier person.

If anyone wants to do this along with me, please leave a comment, we can support each other!

Katie

It's almost here!

A new year is about to begin. Facebook status's are buzzing with well wishes for a happy new year to family and friends, there's even a few "I can't wait to see what the new year holds", the coming of a new year is almost like opening a gift. We just can't wait to see the blessings it holds, I think that anticipation is universal.

We like fresh starts. Clean slates. Second chances. We like the prospect of starting new, or getting another shot at a past failure, hoping to get right. A new year is like a "reset" button. Suddenly everything is "coming up" rather then "gone by." New years are refreshing and energizing!

Its no secret I've got big hopes for my new year. I'm hoping to completely overhaul my life with God's help. Inside and out, I want to strip it down to the bones and build it back up again, fortified and energized and built to last. I'm hoping my new year will bring me...

A stronger marriage

More quality time with my kids

Better organizational skills

Better managed finances

Better health

A closer relationship with God

A close knit community and chances to be hospitable

More time connecting with extended family

These are just the things that I want, what about what God wants for my life? That's where the true surprise lies!

I've got big plans indeed. And I think that I can do them, so long as my motives are right and I know who to turn to for support and encouragement. So, I'm one of those people eagerly awaiting the clock to chime midnight and wipe my slate clean, to press my "reset" button.

This blog so far has just been the warm up to the real challenge of changing my life. I've scrapped the surface, but tomorrow the real digging can begin!

Bring on 2010! 2009 was a mixed bag, and I'm not foolish enough to think that 2010 won't bring its share of challenges, but I'd like to think I've learned enough from 2007, 2008 and 2009 to better manage myself during those challenges. Maybe because I've been down some pretty rocky roads in the past, I won't completely go off the road the next time things get rough.

Happy new year everyone. I hope you're excited for it, and have hope for it. I hope that you'll be blessed beyond your expectations, and that your life will be a blessing to others!

Katie

I am a sparrow.........

When I started my grief blog, I had a piece of scripture in my head, just bouncing around in there, causing me to ponder God's love for us. The more I thought it over the more I liked the concept, and the more comfort it brought me in the midst of the hardest time of my life. Immediately after Everett's death, I turned my back on God, because I reasoned, he let my baby die. Either he could help but didn't, or couldn't help at all, and either way I figured, I could do just as well without Him. And I walked away. It didn't take too long for God to call me back though, I heard Him faintly, in the back of my mind, and stubbornly tried to ignore him (imagine me with my fingers in my ears here, chanting "lalalala", trying to drown out the voice of God!), I was mad after all, God had failed us. But the whispers persisted, and my need for comfort and solace grew stronger and stronger each day. Each day I stood with my back to God, my grief and my pain grew heavier and heavier, as I was carrying it alone. And one day, I gave in, I gave up my efforts to ignore God, and finally let him do what he was always trying to do, comfort me (imagine me turning to God and saying "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, what can YOU do for me now", so childish). But as soon as I stopped trying to shut Him out, He showed me exactly what he can do for me.

Quite suddenly I wasn't carrying my burdens alone. Finally I could breath, my wounds were soothed and my heart was calmed and I could grieve but with less despair, and less pain. And I didn't need to be told who I had to thank.

And this piece of scripture I was bouncing around in my mind was Matthew 10:29.

29 What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coins? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it

Not a single sparrow can fall from the sky, without God knowing it. He notices our falls even more so then the sparrow's. He notices and he cares. Nothing happens to us without Gods notice, or his will, we are forever in his care. So this little verse started my grief blog, and was a big boost to my small but growing faith. Its comforting to know that even when we're fallen, which is pretty much all the time it seems, we're not alone, God knows, he saw it happen, and he cares, and he's there to help with the aftermath, and to help carry the burden, and I can honestly say that the comfort was much needed and much welcomed when Everett died, and again during my miscarriage and my separation from Elvis, and its pretty great to know that it'll be there again during the next crisis (and that its also there during the day to day frustrations).

So here, on the dawning of a brand new year, a big blank slate, full of all sorts of unknowns, I'm thinking about myself as a sparrow. Fallen. Feathers ruffled, wings broken (but healing), eyes on the skies, and giving serious thought to trying to take flight again. After all, we all fall, and we all struggle with the healing and getting back up again, but there comes a time when you have to make the choice, to stay down and be defeated, or to try to fly again. Its not easy. Sometimes it hurts (our tiny wings are broken after all!), and sometimes, its absolutely impossible to get air born again from where we are, its just not possible, and that's because we NEED God. We need him to pick us up from the ground and place us back in the tree we fell from, so that we're actually in a position to take flight when we're healed enough to do so. Pardon all the bird metaphors (I really am quite taken with them these days), but what I'm trying to say, is I have realized after three big life upsets, that it is possible to recover and keep living, but I can honestly say it couldn't have been done without me first being willing to accept God's great comfort and help. Sure, I'd still be alive, but would I really be living? I doubt it.

But here I am now, poised to fly again, creating a brand new, exciting and love filled life, with the amazing help of a God who brings me infinite hope and comfort.

Here's to the happiest new year!

Katie