Changes...

I'm very busy these days.

I didn't anticipate how much time, time for myself that is, that I would be sacrficing for my newly expanded family.

My days and nights are packed full, joyfully so, but I'm still busy and tired from it.

My days are undeniably full of joy and happiness, and the sweetness my new baby daughter Stella has brought to our family, it's fantastic, but I find myself missing my time for emotional and creative release. I miss being able to read, to write and to even think an entire thought. I never realized how important it was to me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings through writing and blogging, and since being too busy, and my arms being ever full of baby, I find my mind reeling trying to process my world and the events of my day without my most familiar and comfortable processing method, words!

But God has, quite graciously, granted me this time, right now, with three kids in bed and two hands free and a silent house all but for the dishwasher running. Here I sit at my computer screen with the delightful opportunity to spill my thoughts out and sort through them! Here I go!

Just about five weeks ago our beautiful new daughter Stella Evangeline made her arrival in this world! It was an experience that defies words. Amazing doesn't cut it. Beautiful doesn't do it justice. I just can't explain how satisfying and awe inspiring it was to deliver this amazing baby and hold her in my arms after a long and anxiety filled pregnancy. Every fear I held while pregnant with her fell away. Every worry I dwelled on evaporated on seeing sweet Stella being placed on my chest just seconds after being born. Pain was forgotten, and joy flooded the room in an instant. She's here! She's beautiful! She's healthy! God is ever faithful and so good to me! Stella is wonderfully unique, crafted to perfection by God and in trust to us, and I could not be happier or more grateful to Him for the opportunity to raise and love her.




We've exited the fear and worry zone and entered into sleepless nights and days filled with rocking and bouncing and shushing, and trying to make Avery and Landon feel loved and involved as well. It's not easy, but it's not been so bad either. Elvis has been a fantastic partner in it all, as always, and has even taken a parental leave to stay home with the kids and I, to truly enjoy this time together as a family. I'm grateful that we have this ability to be together and find our groove and I'm looking forward to what the coming weeks will hold for us in terms of growth and connecting as a family.

Now, that's the happy stuff I've been processing. I'm less excited to process and lay out the negative emotions I've been experiencing, but there are just a few I have to tackle.

Firstly, I want to snap my fingers and be 90 pounds lighter. Oh how I wish it were that simple. I've struggled with weight and self esteem my entire life it seems, it's a chronic condition for me but at the moment it is acutely flared up. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am ashamed of how I let myself fall apart. People tend to prickle when I use the word shame, like I should never be ashamed of myself in regards to my appearance, but I assure you I have plently of self love, but I do not have to love being overweight. I do not have to rejoice in the parts of me that are out of control. God wants me to be self controlled, gluttony is a sin, and I am quite guilty. To embrace over eating and laziness would be unhealthy and un-Godly, I think my shame is justified. I burried myself in weight, I've drowned emotions in food, I've spent days hidden away from the world instead of being out enjoying it. I've become unrecognizable and uncomfortable and I am desperate for change while being totally unsure of how to make it happen. Sure I've got motivation, and goals, I've got inspiration out the wahzoo! I want to be healthier, I want to live longer, I want to feel younger, I want to look better, I want nicer clothes that seem to be only available to the slender set. And mostly, I want to be desirable to my husband. Feminists across the world just cringed. But it's true. I want him to want me. I want him to like what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to feel a combination of desire and pride and protectiveness. I want to be the object of his affections. He loves me, but I am not the woman I was when he fell in love with me, not even close. I want to give him back the old me, well a version of the old me, slightly older, slightly wiser, and slightly more tired, but slim, attractive, healthy, energetic, fun and motivated. We both deserve to have her back.

But I struggle so hard with this. I flounder and flop and struggle. I don't understand it. I don't like it, and I feel weak in admitting that my eating issues seem so much bigger then me. It's on my agenda, I've got it on my radar, but I have no confidence that I can do it, I'm working on that.

This brings me to my marriage, which will forever be on my radar, and always on my agenda. It's not something I can afford to ever get complacent on. I've learned over the past years, that when it comes to marriage, you must never ever let your guard down, you can't ever just coast through, you need to be aware and engaged at all times. So we're at a place of transition, with a new baby and the joys and worries that come along with and I can sense a strain, which makes me fearful and anxious, but I am so grateful that God has already showed us what to do and how to do it and he's placed well appreciated resources in our lives to help us stay on top of things. I'm taking all spare moments in my day to focus on my marriage and the needs of my husband so we don't suffer a backslide, so we don't let anything wilt, and so nothing becomes a wedge between us in this time where our attentions are so divided. God put a hedge around us please and help bring us together when the pressures and stresses of the world would have us pulled apart. I'm learning so much about what a husband needs and what God requires of me as a wife, it's enlightening and I am eager to take what I have learned and put it to practice!

So there you have it, what's been on my mind for far too long. It feels so good to spill it out, however incoherant it may have been. I feel so blessed while also feeling so lost at times. I'm fearful still, and lonesome often, though I nearly never alone. I am emotional and undisciplined at times. I've fallen of the wagon more times then I can count, in my goals for my marriage, my weight and my blogging. I'm back on now, for now. I'm perfectly imperfect and begining to accept that, as well as the imperfections in those around me. And I am both excited and nervous when thinking about the months to come and the changes I hope to make as well as the ones I hope to avoid.

I'm hoping to become healthier, more outgoing and more vibrant. I'm hoping to fall in love with my husband all over again and for him to do the same, and for us to maintain it. I'm hoping to cherish every moment with my children and to be a mother worthy of the blessings they are. I'm hoping to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother and as a Christian. I'm hoping to change for good.

And only time will tell.

As it stands, God has blessed me. His love has been poured out on my family and my cup runneth over.

He is so good to me.

Katie

Dear Stella...

You're due in three weeks.

The anticipation has moved from comfortable excitement to officially antsy!

I've been feeling you moving for weeks and weeks, now I feel you rolling and burrowing and kicking, and I can't describe exactly how that makes me feel, something like elation. It amazes me, to envision you inside me, a real baby, ready to be born, just waiting for the perfect time to make your entrance into the world. I'm on pins and needles.

And though I can't sleep at night from various aches and ailments, I'm in love with this pregnancy. I'm in love with you. As eager as I am to have you in my arms, I have thoroughly loved holding you beneath my heart all these weeks.

I can't promise you perfection in this life, imperfection is lifes only promise. Life will be imperfect, so will I, but I do promise my love will come with good intentions and it will be unending.

I'm nervous though, in these last few weeks of pregnancy. I'm fearful, but not of pain or of labor, but of ghosts of experiences past. I'm entirely in love with you, but entirely flawed and human and scared of things I'd rather never mention to you. I don't want to burden you with my scars and my wounds, they're not your doing nor your concern. But I can't wait to have you here with us, in our arms and safe and healthy. I can't wait to get you in our home, in your room, safe.

You can't possibly know how loved you are just yet, but you will.

XO

Dear Avery



You are amazing. You are smart and beautiful. You are independent and spirited. You are strong willed and delightful. I can't believe how much I love you, and that love deepens every single minute we're together. We butt heads, and I expect that will also increase as time goes on. You challenge me to be a better mother, and you reward me with your sweet love and dazzling smile. You are one of my life's greatest pleasures, and I am so grateful to God that he blessed me with you. You're going to be a great big sister for Stella, you already are to Landon, I can't wait to see you sisters together. Joy!

XO

Dear Landon


You are heart-melting. You are cuddly and sensitive and funny and precious. You are a joy! I love that you love rockets and air planes and cowboys, I love that you're all boy, but that you kiss boo boos for others and you come to my defense when your sister is being sassy. You're going to be some lucky woman's dream come true some day, you're already mine! I don't know how I got so lucky, just to have you here in my life, you're a gift and you're good for my heart. You're stubborn and strong willed, but so eager to please. You're just like your dad, which is why you butt heads with him and not me. You're special and cherished and amazing. You're a dream come true! Your sisters are lucky to have you.

XO

Dear Everett


God only knows how much I miss you. You're in my heart and on my mind every minute of every day. I wish you were here. I wish you were always here. I haven't forgotten one moment. I haven't stopped grieving you, I never will. I'm still so full of love for you, and grief and confusion and sadness. I still don't know how to be whole, or normal without you, I bet that never changes. I'm still your mom. I can't hold you in my arms, and that is my life's biggest tragedy, but I hold you in my heart all day, every day. You changed me. You inspire me. You made me better. Your death broke me, so God could rebuild me, changed and better. I'd give anything to have done it differently though. We're having a new baby soon. You're going to be a big brother now, and I wish with all my heart that you could be here to greet Stella and welcome her into the world. I wish I had all my babies together here on Earth, I wish I didn't have to wait for a reunion in Heaven. But I will, because you're worth it.

XO

Dear God

You give and take away. I've learned to be gratful for the gifts, I'm still struggling with how to be grateful for the ones you take back.

I'm full of fear and anxiety. You know more then anyone how I worry about loss. It keeps me up at night, the fear of losing another child. You know how nightmares of saying goodbye to another child haunt me. Aparently this fear is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in your goodness and your plans for me and my family. And aparently my anxiety over separation from my children means I'm placing them above you in my priority list. I think that's true. I'm sorry I'm not there yet. I love them that much. I know I need to trust them to you fully, like Abraham did with Isaac, I'm sorry that I can't. I trusted you once before, with my child, with my heart, and you took him. You took my son and broke my heart. I've never been the same. I've been broken ever since. And fearful. I cling to my children now for fear that one day they'll be gone. I can't handle even the thought of it.

Undoubtedly you comforted me. You picked me up and gave me comfort when I was in my deepest sorrow, and I am grateful. Without a doubt I love you and how you've changed my heart and my life. I can see how you made something good from my life's biggest tragedy. I can see how you used my pain to transform me. My son died and I survived. I survived it once. Once. But I couldn't do it again. So I fear rather then trust. I can't hold Avery and Landon and Stella up to you and say do whatever you will with them. I can't hold them up to you and say they're yours and not mine. They're mine.

I'm sorry that this means I'm doing this wrong. I'm sorry if it means I'm holding something back from you. I'm sorry if loving them with the intensity I do is sin. I hope you know I'm still a work in progess. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to give this over to you. This is my heart. You know it, you made it, I hope you'll forgive it.

XO

Meditating on motherhood....

Some times I'm hit with these realizations, and they really make me stop and think.

Some are pretty simple.

Some are profound, but they are always really interesting to me.

I'm reading a book right now that's prodding me to think about motherhood and all that it means, this is a sad, sad book, and it's bringing out some pretty deep considerations on what it means to mother a child.

We're talking big time, serious stuff here.

Motherhood is such a big and important job, so much so that "big" and "important" seem entirely inadequate word choices to describe it.

I'd go so far as to say, that it's one of the most important roles anyone can ever play. Think of it, mother's are so paramount in the formation of who a child will be in the future. Mother's are critical in their childrens development, critical to the role they'll play in the world.

What mothers give to their children shapes and sculpts the person they will be, and what a mother withholds does the same. Who our children become is dependent on us as mothers, what we provide, what we sacrifice, what we supply, what we lovingly donate to their upbringing. Conversely what we don't provide, what we won't sacrifice, what we will not supply or donate to their raising up, makes just as big (if not bigger) an impact on who they will become in the future.

On reading this very sad book, I'm struck with thoughts of how deep and primal the bond between mother and child can be (and I say "can" be because not all mothers want to be mothers, and not all mother's want to bond with their children). Whether they are biological mother and child, or adopted mother and child, that "want" between them is what ties them together and makes the dance between them so incredibly foundational to the child's life, and dare I say the mother's as well.

Mothers provide warmth, nurturing, security, discipline, guidance, training, teaching, tenderness, and in the case of Christian mothers, they display for their children a model of what a Christian woman and mother look like. They provide tenderness and adoration, and unconditional love. When a child receives these things from their mother, they flourish, they thrive, and their future opens up before them. They can get this from any woman wanting to call themselves "mother", it's not all about biology here, it's about that call from within a woman to care for children, it's deeply ingrained on many women (I say "many", not all), at the core of our being, and it's God given.

When a child is denied the tender love of a mother, what becomes of them? When a child has security, discipline, guidance and nurturing withheld from them, how does that shape them? What does that teach them? It may not ruin their lives, but it changes them most certainly.

Mother's are paramount. A good mama makes the world a brighter place don't you think?

Back to this book, this sad, sad book, it's about motherhood, and the bond between mama and child, from conception, or first sight. One mama births her babies but is not permitted to keep them, and she endures the agony of loving her babies deeply and having to live without them, and live with the uncertainty of what has become of them. Heart breaking. One mama finds her body prematurely shutting down reproductively and has to become a mother through the process of adoption, which is a life changing experience for her, and she instantly feels like this child's mother, though she didn't birth her, because it was on her heart to mother a child, any child, the child they adopt is instantly their child, it's amazing. It's touching, it's heart wrenching, it's thought provoking, and it's powerful, and I am not even done yet!

I'm in awe of motherhood. Of mothers. Of good mothers. Determined, sacrificing, loving, devoted, hard working, tender, smart, strong and amazing mothers. I've got one (how blessed am I?), and I strive to be one. I pray God will help me each day be the kind of mother my children need to grow up happy, healthy, secure and pointed in the right direction, and He knows I need help!

Dads are paramount too, but that's another post all together! I guess what I am thinking of is how happy I am to be a mother, and how seriously I take the role and it's responsibilities. I think all too often it's easy to forget that motherhood is not a pastime, or just something you are, but rather it's a role, it's a job description, and when your job is done, it produces a product, an outcome. Your children are the product of your parenting, and who they will become 20 years from now is up to us right now! That's HUGE! What we do today is slowly sculpting who they will be tomorrow. That's exciting and terrifying at the same time.

Overall it's motivating!

I want to create an environment where my children will thrive.

I want to be the sort of mother that cultivates trust, joy, confidence, ambition, motivation, faith and devotion. I want my arms to be a safe haven, I want my voice to be a comfort, I want our home to be a shelter from the rest of the world. Am I there yet? No. I have work to do.

Thank God for tiny little reminders that I have big work to do, and how worth while the effort will be!

Thank God for mothers (my mom especially), and for motherhood.

Thank God for children who provide us with a purpose unlike any other.

Thank God for my children, children unlike any other who have changed my life and have bettered me in every imaginable way.

Katie

Time.....

....it's marching all over us! Just look at this conclusive and concrete evidence! Look at my baby girl! This was just yesterday right? A fun, playful 16 month old, precious baby girl...

Not so!! You've been deceived, as have I! This picture was taken, prepare yourself for this, it was taken THREE YEARS AGO!

You may question, "but how can that be?!"

I know, I know, I myself have been puzzling over this! How can it be? How can it be that my baby isn't really a baby anymore? She in fact looks incredibly grown up, once again I have undeniable proof! Just look......


Look at that hair? Not baby hair at all! Undeniable, it took four years and three months and a few weeks to grow that hair. So friends, it's true, time is marching on, like it or not.

What's that? Still not convinced? Need more proof that this is not an isolated incicident with just one child? Okay then, here it is, feast your eyes on this.....



My precious, darling, third born baby, not long home from the hospital. Sweet and fresh and new. Seems again, like it was yesterday, don't you agree?

Well, then I'm about to blow your socks off friends. This is the final and most convincing bit of evidence I have that time is in fact hurling forward at a ridiculous and frightening speed! This picture is 2 years old! This baby, actually looks like this.....



You see! Not a baby at all!!! Practically a school boy! Getting hair cuts and handling them with the patience and ease of a grown man!

I tell you friends, hold your babies tight, because time is pulling us forward with force, and at a heart wrenching speed. And one day I fear we'll wake to find our babies have been replaced by adults, and their childhood just a fond and much longed for memory.

Time marches on. And we are powerless to stop it, which makes every moment with our children, incredibly special. Every one of them is worthy of noting. Soak it up. Remember it well. Tomorrow you'll be comforted by those memories. Good photo's will be like portals in time that can take you back to those moments, so take lots!

I've got more proof of time marching on, stray grey hairs, wrinkles around my eyes, etc... But you don't need to see that, for that you can take my word!

Katie

Me: The Mother

I can tell you the very instant I became a mother.

I know the date it happened. The date that I knew I had changed from me, the college student and newly wed, to me, the mother.

Because I knew I wanted to be a mother, I was trying to conceive and implemented a few techniques to help me track my success or failure in the matter. Because of that tracking, I know with a fair amount of certainty, that Avery took up residence in me, on February 23rd 2005, and changed my life forever.

I can remember the morning I tested, and knew with certainty that she was on her way. It was March 6th, Elvis was working nights, and I laid awake at 4am wondering if we had been successful that month. And I couldn't wait and further and got up right then and tested, and got my positive result, and laid in bed for three hours waiting for Elvis to come home so I could tell him what we did. We had taken the biggest leap of faith and changed our lives immensely.

And its been a continuous and amazing transformation.

Motherhood is often touted as the hardest and most rewarding job you'll ever have, and I can't argue that one bit. Its full of challenges and struggles, but also of incredible joy and love. The rewards of having children saturate every moment of every day. Sometimes we take them for granted, or over look them, but my house is filled with the benefits of having children.

Our house is a home. It's lived it. Its full of fun and energy. It is after all, full of children.

Pieces of their youth and their personalities are strewn about everywhere. Clutter to some, but reminders to me of the blessings that God has placed into my world.

Crayons in a cup on the corner of my desk.

An upside down tractor ride on toy in front of my china cabinet.

Multiple brightly colored scribbled drawings on my fridge, which has more magnets on it then any other fridge I've seen.

Small boots lined up beside big boots in our closet.

The kids and their things have permeated every part of our lives.

And I love it.

Psalm 127:3-5 says:

3 Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift?
The fruit of the womb his generous legacy?

4 Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows
are the children of a vigorous youth.

5 Oh, how blessed are you parents,
with your quivers full of children!

How true it is! They're gifts. Sometimes its easy to lose sight of how precious they are. The day to day grind can get the better of us, we get tired, run down, over worked, pulled in too many directions or get too many balls in the air, and we lose sight of this truth. We get sharp tongued, and impatient and we lose the ability to truly enjoy our kids. I've been struggling with this lately. Combine too many balls in the air with a son and a daughter with very strong personalities, and you've got me, a frazzled mama who doesn't have all of the answers and sometimes melts down before I can stop and recollect myself. Thank God that he created children to be so forgiving and loving!

So today I wanted to think about the blessings of motherhood and the miracles of my children.

I wanted to pray on ways to love them better and deeper, and on ways to raise them well and set them up properly for their lives beyond our house.

Because Proverbs 22:6 says:
6 Point your kids in the right direction—
when they’re old they won’t be lost.

Its a big job! Motherhood (and fatherhood) is a big, serious and never ending job. But it has such amazing perks.

Like this:

And this:

And moments like these, absolute and unedited bliss:

And celebrations like this, thanking God for your children and promising in front of him to raise them right and love them hard:

And then we have the flip side of the coin. The sadness that sometimes accompanies the joy. The hardest lesson I ever had to learn about motherhood. Sometimes our babies are only ours for the shortest amount of time. Sometimes we don't get a life time to raise them and teach them. Sometimes God brings us a baby for the express purpose of teaching us. Sometimes the Lord gives and almost simultaneously takes away. Sometimes our children break our hearts. But in instances like ours, God broke our hearts to save our souls, and he had such a beautiful and amazing purpose for our son Everett. Some days its still too much for me to understand, but most days I'm capable of trusting that I'll understand some day.

Me, the mother, still wants to be raising all three of my babies, but does the very best I can for the two that God has entrusted me with. I entrust God with the other. I miss Everett every second of every day. But he helped me become the mother I am. Because of this boy.....


I cherish life more.

I value time with my kids and family more.

I'm more empathetic.

I'm kinder.

I'm more soft spoken.

I'm more aware.

I'm gentler.

I'm more tender.

And I came to believe in God, and accepted that I needed Jesus.

We came to faith through the loss of our son. We were crippled by the pain of his death and found courage in Christ to carry on.

All of my children have shaped me and changed me and have helped me become the mother I am today. And they've given me the desire to be a better one tomorrow.

And me, the mother, I am grateful.

My cup runneth over.

Katie