Beautiful

I'm not sure what's prettier, a beautiful new flower, or my daughters dirty little hands (well yes, I do actually, but that's strictly this Mama's opinion of course!).

This picture is a prime example of a simple little joy this day gave me. It's been a crazy day, a hectic, busy, at times whiny and always noisy day, but in the midst of the chaos, God gives us little gifts of beauty, little moments of serenity. This is one of mine.

Philippians 4:11
11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have.

Katie

I need an attitude adjustment.....

And fast!

I need to check this disgruntled, dissatisfied, wanting attitude at the door. It's bringing me down.

I've been wallowing lately in my desire to have another baby. I've been so fixated on my fears and anxieties over this want never coming true that it's been robbing me of the joys available right now, today. I'll admit, I'm still concerned, I still really feel called to have another baby, and admittedly, if I could, I'd have that baby right now. But, since I can't have a baby right now, since the decision is not mine alone, and since I haven't convinced Elvis that it's a good idea, I have to wait. And while I wait I have to trust, er, well I guess I don't HAVE to trust, but it really does help.

I want to give this concern up to God and trust that he knows how much I want this. I want to trust in God's abilities to know and change our hearts in accordance to His will. I want to trust that giving this issue up to God does not mean that I give up on achieving it, but rather I let Him worry about the timing and I can just go on focusing on the beautiful children he's already blessed me with, and the joys available to me every day.

I feel awful that I've been stewing and sulking over this. I feel ashamed of how short tempered and irritable I've been (though I can blame a very temporary hormonal imbalance for that I think, at least partially). But still, God calls us to be joyful in all things, and to be grateful, and loving and I haven't been.

I've been fearful, and resentful, and anxious and depressed and it has robbed the light and joy from too many days. So, starting right now, or maybe when my hormones settle, I'm giving myself an attitude check.

God is good and trustworthy.

He loves me and has my best interests at heart.

He knows my inner most desires, he knows my wants before I ask for them.

He is faithful.

And I will keep this in mind, Matthew 6:27:
And who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And this, Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

Katie

One more thing....

I know I said I felt too sick to be blogging tonight, but what do I know? I've been inspired by scripture, lots of scripture, and I think I just need to go with it!

There's one piece of scripture I have a love/hate relationship with.

I used to hate it. I was repelled by it. But now I find myself repeating it in my head over and over throughout the day. It comforts me.

When Everett died and we sat down with the minister to talk about his service, we were not Christians. We believed in God until Everett had died, but only superficially, and since his passing, that belief had diminished some, and a lot of anger had surfaced. So, when she asked us about the 23rd Psalm, and if we wanted it read at his service, I provided a firm NO as my answer.

I think it was the line, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" that put me off. It was morbid, it was sad, and in my head it was about my baby, and I hated it. And it was not read at his funeral.

But since then, I've heard it over and over, and I've heard it explained, and my understanding of its meaning has increased, and like so many things, its less upsetting when you understand it.

Psalm 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

I can't count how many times a day I think "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, " and usually I think this in a spirit of gratitude. God leads me, and cares for me, and comforts me, even in the presence of evil, and in death. He prepares me to face my enemies, and my cup overflows with his blessings. And goodness and love follow me all the days of my life.

I cannot understand why I found this verse to be so off putting before. Its a lovely promise of God's to love and care for us, in all circumstances, and in all circumstances we are to be grateful and faithful to Him.

I didn't realize it while planning my sons funeral, that I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I WAS. Not Everett. The Psalm was not about him but about me. And as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I was angry and frightened and bitter and did not understand that God was there with me leading me through it. I rejected His comfort but He stood near, gently offering it again and again until I was broken and weak (from my own stubbornness) that I could accept it. And now He is with me, He leads me, He comforts me, and His goodness and love are with me all the days of my life. The good ones and the bad ones.

I am grateful for His patience, that He waited for me. That His love and comfort were not one time offers but standing ones, that I could accept when ready.

Katie

My Boy!

My boy is precious, pure preciousness!

My boy has the most squishable cheeks and kissable lips!

My boy has an unfair amount of thick dark eyelashes, its just not fair.

My boy is fiery and hot tempered.

My boy is super sensitive and easily wounded.

My boy only wants to eat food he thinks is yours.

My boy loves cuddles, Mama cuddles especially.

My boy is in awe of, and terrified of his sister at the same time.

My boy loves babies.

My boy doesn't talk much, he's the strong silent type.

My boy loves cars and trucks, what boy doesn't?

My boy is tidy! He cleans up like no ones business.

My boy likes all doors to be closed at all times, he's the self appointed door police.

My boy's a small fry like his big sis, and I like him that way!

My boy has a guardian angel in Heaven, and holds a piece of his brother with him always, even if he doesn't realize it yet.

My boy is therapeutic, just holding him makes the world feel right.

My boy learns something new and exciting every day, and its amazing to see the world through his big, brown, heart melting eyes.

My boy is a treasure and I'm incredibly proud to be his Mama.

Katie

My Girl......

My girl is all kinds of beautiful.

My girl is a little pixie, she's short and slight and too precious.

She's incredibly observant.

She's smarter then a four year old should be.

She's got a memory like a steel trap.

She's got cool moves and can't help but use them when she's caught by the beat.

She's intensely loving.

She gives pretty passionate kisses ;)

She loves talking on the phone.

She hates pants, takes them off any chance she gets.

She loves the Wii fit, not the Wii, but the Wii fit specifically, loves to know her Wii age.

She loves to read, and can actually read.

She's spirited, and by spirited I mean she was sent to the principals office three times in her first month of Junior Kindergarten.

She knows where your zygomatic bone is (do you?).

She loves her family.

She thinks her brother is alright.

She knows more about loss and Heaven then she should.

She drives me.

She makes my heart skip a beat.

She reminds me that all these changes I am striving to make will be worth while if they somehow have a positive effect on her life and make her smile that smile.

That smile! She melts my heart!

I can't get enough of my girl!

Katie

Counting my blessings........

Today is Christmas eve, and due to the busy schedule that accompanies the holiday, we're celebrating Christmas with my family today, and Elvis's family tomorrow. Our family doesn't relate to Christmas in a spiritual manner, we prefer to celebrate by just enjoying being together, opening presents, playing games and eating nice big meals. Its great. I'm 29 years old and I still look forward to it with the same sense of anticipation and joy I had as a kid, maybe even more so since I get to watch my kids bubble over with their eager excitement.

But, I'm aware now of how, as a Christian, it isn't really appropriate to do Christmas without acknowledging Christ, for us, we should not let this day, pass without bringing Him into it, and acknowledging that the birth of Christ was the biggest and most amazing gift we could ever receive. So, today I'm going to go to Christmas eve service at our church with Elvis, this will have a two fold benefit I believe. One, we're going to go to church and top up our spiritual tanks, and praise God for all he's done and for the love and blessings He pours out each minute of each day, and two, we're going to go to church together, for the first time since July, since before our separation, and show ourselves to our little community, as a unit once more. I'm excited!

Presents aside, it's impossible on a day like today, to not be incredibly aware of my blessings and their source. I have so many, I truly am a rich woman.

I have great parents, who are still taking care of my sisters and me, and our families.

I have great sisters, who are friends and family in one, they're the best.

I have a husband, and I can't help but think of how just a few weeks ago I was imagining spending this holiday without him, I'm grateful I never had to find out what that felt like. I have a husband, and a partner, who is working with me on a new and love filled life, and he is amazing.

I have a family, a big family, extended family and in laws, and we have so much between us, always a home to visit in, a place to celebrate, and I know that isn't the norm for everyone, we are so lucky.

I have a job, my husband has a job, we are able to care for ourselves and our children and our extended families if need be, we can do it, we want for nothing.

We have schools and stores, and Dr's and health care and cars and churches and friends and family and clothing and food and toys and extra's, we're rich beyond words, even when we have no money in our bank accounts, we're rich beyond words.

It's Christmas, and I'm spending it with my family, and there's a blissful and familiar warmth and rhythm to our togetherness, its ageless, I feel the exact same today in my parents house with my husband and children as I did back when my sisters and I were the children. Its good. Its warm and its safe and it's full of a special sort of Christmas happiness and energy that you don't feel just everyday.

So, I'm counting my blessings today, and they are so plentiful. Too many to list, and I am so thankful for all I've been given.

How blessed are we!

Katie