This post may break your heart, be warned.....

*WARNING* This is one of those posts, where I start out with nothing in particular to say, and I just let my mind wander where it will. Tonight I started out with noting to say, but my mind took me down a very sad path and I fell into some unexpected grieving. These things happen. What I've posted is nothing new. The emotions have all been felt and expressed before. But, I did post a picture of Everett after death. It's not graphic, you may not even know it if I didn't tell you. But consider yourself warned. If you don't want to see it. If it will upset you, or cause you pain, don't read on.
I want to have something profound, or relevant to say tonight. But I don't.

It's 7:26pm. Elvis has gone to work. The kids are in bed, and the puppy's napping.

The TV's muted and I have some music on. I'm sitting here at the computer willing words and feelings to come out, but I'm struggling. Something's stirring inside my heart, or mind, something that definitely needs to be expressed, but I can't quite nail down what I'm feeling well enough to articulate it.

I started my morning off wrong today, with a dream about Everett that seeped into the day. Though it's a gift to see him in my dreams, the way the dream haunts me through my day is a side effect I could do without. It leaves me saddened and fixated on my grief and the dream and how I wished it was reality.

And it rained. It was a grey day, which hangs like a wet blanket over us.

And I feel the strain of rifts in some relationships, and I felt lonely today though I was never alone.

Today is the anniversary of the passing of a good friends sweet baby boy. His death impacted my heart in a huge way, and today my heart hurts for my friend, who longs for her son in a way I know all too well.

Sadness seems to have set the tone for my day. Sadness and frustration.

And I have so much to say, but my brain can't get it together well enough to get it out here.

What I wouldn't give for a clear head and an unburdened heart.

What I wouldn't give to be her again....


Loss never touched her.

Grief was something that happened to other people.

Hope and excitement filled every day.

Joy and blessings were everywhere she looked.

She had so much to look forward to.

What I wouldn't give to be her again......


She has all she ever wanted.

Her cup runneth over.

With joy.

With love.

With children. Healthy, beautiful children.

Loss never touched her.

Grief happened only in the news.

Hear heart was full of praise and thanks and hope.

Her children have bright, healthy, full lives ahead of them.

All of them.

God bless her, and her ignorance.

It's true what they say, it really is bliss.

What I would give to have never been her....


Oh God. What I would give to have never, ever been her.

To have never known what it was like to hold your son after his heart beat its last beat and his lungs took their last breath. It didn't hurt at the time, it felt natural, it felt comfortable, it was something I'd been longing to do, for so long.

But I'll never regret him.....



Not in any stage of his time with us.

Not him.......



Not him.......


Not him.........


He changed me, permanently and for the good.

And I'll always, always, always want him back.

I crave him with every cell in my body.

Thoughts of him, memories of him, play like a movie reel in the back of my mind.

Every minute of every day.

Losing him was never supposed to happen.

It hit me like a Mack truck.

Shattered me.

And I look at these pictures and I can't help but think how much he looks like Landon. Which is expected because they are identical twins. And damn. Damn it. I'm supposed to have identical twins! I carried two babies! Two babies for 34 weeks and fully expected to be raising both of them.

How could he have been so sick? How could he have had such a bad heart? Its not fair.

I don't remember what it felt like to hold him. Or touch him. I never got to nurse him. Or dress him. He never saw his nursery. Or slept in his crib. Strangers never got to fawn over him. He's not in any family pictures. And I'm so angry. Because as much as I love and trust God, now, I still can't wrap my head around the "why's".

Why would God allow me to conceive, carry and deliver two beautiful boys and take one back?

There is no consolation.

My faith is a by-product. It is a guide post and a comfort.

But there is no consolation for losing Everett.

And there never will be.

I can't un-lose him.

This hole in my heart will never be filled.

This pain will never truly subside.

The injury will heal, but there will always be a scar.

A big, red, flaming, painful scar.

And I like it that way, if I can't have him back, then the scar is good, and the pain is too, because it keeps me connected to him, through my memories and pain.

I'll always be connected to this....


Be it two, or ten, or 50 years later.

I'll always be a Mama with a gaping whole in my heart and one less child then should be here.

I'll always ramble like this. I'll always have the tendency to start off one one train of thought and end up right here, pained and tearful and missing Everett.

I'll always be broken, and struggling, even when I'm happy, I'll always be changed by him.

I don't have a graceful way to wrap this up.

I wish I did.

But so you don't think I've fallen off some cliff of despair. Don't worry.

I've been here before. More times then I could count.

Even when I'm swallowed up in the darkest, stormiest waters, I have my faith.

I don't understand God, or why this happened, but I believe in Heaven, and that Everett is there, and that I will have my reunion.

God lets me grieve, wildly and passionately, and then He pulls me back.

If this post caused you pain, I'm sorry, let Him pull you back too.

There's comfort to be had, even in the midst of life's biggest tragedies.

Katie

Trouble......

It's happening again. It always does. My resolve is fading, my dedication wavering, and I'm slipping into old habits and old comforts.

I'm failing, again, at a life long struggle.

And I don't want to.

I don't know why I find losing weight so difficult. I know exactly what needs to be done, I know how to do it, but for some reason, I just can't do it. I can't make myself do what I know needs to be done. I can't get past the "feelings" and get to the actions that will ultimately bring success.

I had a few good weeks, and I got going really good there, lost 12 pounds and was feeling pretty victorious. I was feeling particularly blessed because I had asked God to join me in my endeavor to lose weight and gain health, and I truly feel he has.

So, why now do I feel like I'm backsliding? Why am I giving way to "feelings", like deprivation, anger, envy, guilt, loneliness and shame? Why am I letting these emotions win? And who's responsible for causing these emotions? Dare I say it? Some of you may snicker or scoff when I do, but I truly believe that Satan is as invested in my failure as God is in my success. Some people aren't as comfortable talking about the reality of the devil as they are of God, but he's just as real, and we are of interest to him. I feel like Satan pits me against myself, making me self loathing and self sabotaging, so I never experience the triumph and elation of God's success in my life. And because I am weak, and human, and sinful, I let him.

I want to succeed. I want to put my hopes and dreams and desires in God's hands and let him help me overcome my weakness and sin and failure. So, though I feel I'm slipping, perhaps what I am feelings is the tug of war between Satan and God for me, but I feel it internally, and it feels like conflict and strife and confusion. Thank God, for God, who guides me now in times like this, where in the past I was totally lost.

I'm wandering off of God's path. But now I can see it, and I can get back on track.

I'm wavering from God's truth in this matter and am letting Satan sway me and delude me, and thankfully I can see it, and I can turn a deaf ear to his lies, and listen only to the word of God who has never steered us wrong.

It's the cravings and the deprivation I struggle with in weight loss. Those treats and indulgences that in the past have soothed hurts and frazzled nerves and lessened the sting of loneliness, that even though I don't need them anymore, I think I do, or I think I should, and it's a hard habit to break.

1 John 2:16 says....
16 For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.

These cravings, these emotional desires, they're not from God, but from the world, and Satan has rule of this world, so it's not a big stretch of the imagination to think they are from him, to confuse and mislead me, to keep me struggling and unhappy.

Man, how I'd love to break free of this struggle. This constant, ongoing and never fully won battle I fight with my weight and self image. God has a lot to say on these matters, and I already know all things are possible through Him, so when will I learn?

This struggle reminds me of a favorite song of mine, and it's probably a favorite song because it reminds me of me and my life. It's called Trouble by Cat Stevens, and it's so fitting.....

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

Sounds like "Trouble" is Satan, and he's pleading to shake him off, its not easy to do. Not alone anyway.

I'm trying a few things to shake "trouble" off of me.

I'm embracing God, His word and His will, and asking for his support and guidance in my endeavor.

I'm practicing disclosure, and making this private battle more public, because hiding it in the shadows increases the shame and the guilt and only perpetuates this vicious cycle. I'm being honest about who I am and how I struggle daily, in the hopes of gaining support and encouragement, but also to maybe provide some encouragement to anyone who may be experiencing a similar battle.

I'm trying to tune out the nagging doubts and "feelings" that trip me up and bring me down, and I'm trying to not give up, or walk away when I feel its too hard or too much, it's a trick, I don't want to fall for it again.

"God give me strength to go on, to keep trying, to embrace my failures and to try again and again, and again if need be. Help me to not lean on my own understanding but to use only your word and truth to guide me. Give me the courage and heart I need to make sacrifices and to endure when it becomes uncomfortable. Let me not be swayed or fooled. Help me to achieve this personal goal, and give the glory to you alone."

Katie

Relationships

I've been thinking about people.

I'm always thinking about people.

I'm fascinated with the world behind their closed doors, and the world behind their eyes.

People are unique, multi-faceted, incredibly complicated, self contained universes.

And each one crafted by the hand of God, each one carefully planned and placed in this world to carry out His will.

It's mind boggling. So many little universes, so many purposes walking around this earth.

But none of us is an island (wrap your head around that!). We're all part of an ever greater solar system, where our universes collide to carry out even more complicated and involved purposes that God has in mind. We're interdependent on one another, whether we like it or not, we need other people.

We crave other people, relationships are so vital, and again, so varied.

There's family, friends, co workers, neighbors, social groups, online friends, people you go to church with, professional relationships, etc...

There are so many kinds. Some appear to have less importance then others. Some feel more significant, some we think we can do without, and some we know we can't possibly do without.

Some frustrated us, repeatedly.

Some are rewarding.

Some are validating.

Some are maddening.

Some are warm, some are cold.

Some are fresh and exciting.

Some are wilting.

Relationships are complicated.

But likely the most important aspect of human life.

Our relationship with God, the most vital part of Christian life.

But, most things, problems or joys, can be brought back to a relationship.

This is my Gramma.

My relationship with her, is one of my most significant and life shaping relationships, right up there with the relationships I have with my parents. She's a pillar in my life. My relationship with her has been warm, loving, frustrating, maddening, validating and incredibly rewarding. She's been a fantastic teacher, and source of love and guidance. Without a doubt she's helped me live out God's plan for me.

I wish all my relationships could be so definable. So easy to assess. So, easy.

But they're not.

I've got people in my life that I want a better, or different relationship with.

There are people I want something more from.

People who are frustrating, limiting, distant, vague, people I wish would give more, or share more, or want more.

There are people out there, in my little solar system, who are just there, but we're not relating, and that frustrates me, in my new years pursuit for more meaningful friendships.

I want my family relationships to be warmer, closer and deeper.

I want my friendships to be more consistent, and more reciprocal, and warmer too.

I want to open my home to my people, those people God placed in my life. And, rather then just knowing people, I want to interact with them, relate to them, spend time with them, and share life more with others.

We're not islands, none of us, but sometimes it seems that way. Everyone's so busy in their corner of the world, distracted by the daily grind, that we fail to realize that our relationships with others outside our immediate circle of family and friends are wilting, or fading, and becoming less and and less authentic. Their relationships in title only, but the heart is going, or gone.

I'm so guilty of this. I'm so busy trying to better so many areas of my life, my weight, my marriage, my income, my talents, my "me" time, that I'm neglecting people. And that becomes painfully apparent when we're trying to think of people to drop in on and visit, and we can't think of anyone, because we don't have friends like that. How sad is that? We don't have friends to drop in on, or friends to invite over for dinner. We're isolated, and we did it ourselves.

We keep waiting for someone to make the effort to reach out to us, but they're all just as afflicted by the "busyness" we are, what makes us think that our people will think to think of us? While we're having the revelation, it's our responsibility to do the reaching out.

So I'm going to.

I'm going to stop letting my relationships slide.

I'm going to open my home to old friends and new. And family too.

I want my home to become a hub of family, friends and fun, and activity.

I want to broaden our circle of friends and connect more with family.

I'm excited about this!

If I've invited you over recently, I hope you'll take me up on it, and if not, well, I'll ask you again soon!

Katie

In the springtime.....

.....comes the thaw.

At last!

Beautiful, new, fresh things are blooming. Making their way to the surface after a long, and cold winter. Both literally, and metaphorically speaking. The cold is giving way to warmth, and beautiful new things are coming to life. It's invigorating.

My marriage has gone through a harsh cold winter "season", and though the last few months have been full of improvements, I now finally feel like "spring" is dawning, and the last of the chill is melting away. It's joyous and exciting and indescribable, to see the buds of love, trust and romance peeking through once more.

And with this springtime dawning on our marriage, the foundation of our family life, the warmth is spilling over into our kids and our home and we're reaping so many beautiful blessings these days, and I am incredibly thankful, and am quite aware of who the glory belongs to.

Faith is blooming too. Just when you think that your faith or your gratitude can't get any bigger, it does, I have so much capacity to grow in my knowledge and love for God. We went to church today, as a family, for the first time in what feels like forever. Apparently our fellow church members felt the same way, as we got several looks today, looks that say "welcome back prodigal believers." But that's okay, they were friendly looks, welcoming looks, and I appreciated knowing our absence was noticed, as was our return, I think that just means that we belong, and we have a church we call home.

And, beyond the metaphors, spring is on the way. It's warming, it's thawing, and the sun is shining more and more. It's beautiful, and full of hope and promise of things to come!

Life is good!

Katie

Wylie

We got a puppy!

Her name is Wylie and she's really precious and tiny.

We're in love.

Puppy love!

It's really special to see your kids interact with a dog, they're like magnets, just drawn to each other, it really pulls the heart strings. Well, it pulls mine.

Avery just loves her, I think they're going to be really good friends.

Landon hasn't made up his mind yet, but I think he'll love her too, once she stops biting him, he doesn't tolerate that from anyone, not even a sweet new pup.

Henry Ward Beecher, Proverbs from Plymouth Pulpit

The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic.

Not that I think Wylie is a God, because we know there's only one, but I do think that very special bond between man and dog, and children and their dogs, is God created. Maybe dogs are God's gift to children? To enhance childhood? To provide companionship and cuddles? I think so.

Welcome home Wylie! I can't wait to see the joy you'll bring to Avery and Landon, and of course to enjoy your love and cuddles myself as well! I hope you'll be a great walking buddy!

Katie

Something I need to work on......

.....Being happy when someone else gets what I wanted.

I'm not talking petty jealousy.

I'm not talking about coveting belongings, or money.

I'm talking about twins.

Something I'm supposed to have but don't.

Something I want more then words can explain.

Twins.

My twins, together, happy and healthy.

I'm getting considerably better at dealing with the news that someone I know is expecting twins, but it still feels like something I need to cope with, or brace for, it's not something that I handle with grace yet. I need to work on that.

Several ladies I know have had twins since Everett died, and if you could see how I process and handle the news that someone else is getting what I used to have, you'd see how much I've improved over time.

I used to be bitter and angry.

I used to ignore and pretend that twins just didn't exist.

My inner sadness and grief really manifested into some emotional ugliness that I'm not at all proud of, but it's real and it's a part of my journey.

And some of those women that were having twins after me, had losses, sad and tragic losses, and I was able to switch from feeling overwhelming jealousy to overwhelming sympathy for them, and I took a step in the right direction, away from envy and towards acceptance, acceptance of the things that I cannot change and do not understand. There are many.

Now it seems that my eyes are open more to the instances of twins, and they seem to happen all the time, everywhere I look. Very wonderful friends of mine have had, or our having twins, and because I love these ladies, and because no one deserves a baby, or babies, more then they do, I'm trying to bury the ugly in me, and be nothing but happy for them, and do nothing but thank God for blessing them so richly. God's chosen them to have twins, like he chose me, and it's not for me to understand why my twin experience was so brief and so dramatic, but if I'm to be obedient, and a good Christian, then I need to simply accept that God's will is absolute and perfect and His grace is sufficient for me.

Being jealous implies that I am not satisfied with what God gave me, and I don't want to be ungrateful.

But its hard, its so hard to suffer over my own loss and be happy for someone else.

The apostle Paul understood suffering, he pleaded with God to take his suffering away, and God said no, because God can use our suffering to complete His will, as said here in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9:

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

His grace is sufficient for me, it's all I need, and His power is made perfect in my weakness. So, this is why I'm explaining my battle with envy and bitterness, it's a daily battle, but God's power is made perfect in my pain. He's using it. He grows my character, He increases my capacity to celebrate the joys of others, He strengthens me, and He heals me, everytime I suffer over the loss of Everett, He does something good for me.

So, if I ever made you feel I was less then happy over your good news, if you're one of the lovely ladies that had a beautiful set of twins and I didn't rejoice with you accordingly, I'm sorry, and I'm learning to deal with my own personal ugliness, and jealously is just one area of that struggle.

Katie

Consider it pure joy.....

When things go our way, when they unfold exactly as we had planned, we feel a sense of satisfaction, we feel victorious and accomplished, sometimes joy.

When things deviate from the plan, when hitches happen, and things go off course, we tend to feel disappointed, deflated, or defeated. And when our plans are derailed, it's easy to wallow and lament and mourn over our hopes for what we wanted, rather then make good use of what we ended up with.

I'm struggling with this concept greatly while we're here on vacation. It seems to me it's been calamity after calamity since we departed from home. It has not been at all the idylic, relaxing, fun filled holiday, but rather it's been filled with stress, illness, and bad weather.

We arrived on Thursday, we got lost on the way to the vacation house, stress (and it's cold)...

Friday, we grocery shopped and laid low, nothing bad, just nothing good either (it's still cold)...

Saturday, my mom and sister left for home because my sister was sick and needed to go home (cold)...

Sunday we went to Gatorland, had fun mostly, had lunch at McDonalds on the way home, made a delicious homemade pasta dinner, enjoyed a good visit with family, went to bed feeling vaguely unwell, and spent the entire night throwing up. I never throw up. Only when pregnant, and only once per pregnancy, so this is a particularly cruel form of torture for me.

Monday, it's a beautiful day, absolutely gorgeous, and we're doing Disney today, but Elvis and I feel horrible. I can't eat a thing, I can't walk 10 feet without having to sit down, but we try and tough it out. Elvis's sister and her husband take Avery on a handful of rides before we have to call it quits and leave after just 3 hours at the park. I feel guilty and sad for ruining this day for my kids.

Tuesday, this brings us to today, and I feel slightly improved, but it's grey and raining out and not a good day to go anywhere. If I feel a bit better later we may go to Target or WalMart, maybe Cracker Barrel if I'm feeling really adventerous, but otherwise we're laying low again.

It's not been what we hoped for, or planned for. It's been disappointing, and at times really upsetting, it's not been a dream vacaton by any means, but, it's our vacation.

James 1:2-4 says....
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Consider it pure joy, when you face trials of many kinds. Take your struggles and disappointments and be joyful for them, because they test tyour faith and make you able to persevere. Let this experience work on you, and test and strengthen you, so that you can be mature and complete and not lacking anything.

Can I take joy in the circumstances of our vacation that have disappointed me? Can I be happy inspite of being unwell and having our plans derailed? Can I view them as trials of my faith and as building blocks to make be better able to persevere? Can I view all the little hitches as learning experiences? Can I trust that God is using them all for our good?

Sure. I just need to overcome one big obstacle. Me.

I need to overcome my human need to rationalize and wonder why?

I need to get over my need to control and manipulate every situation to suit me.

I need to stop thinking that my world and my life should revolve around my wishes and my wants.

It's not all about me.

Sure we planned to go on vacation and be in Florida at this time, but God's plans override our own and He is working in our lives, no matter where we are or what we want to be doing while He does it.

So, if I can get used to the idea, that I'm not in charge, that I'm not the director of this movie, or the conductor of this train (or whatever metaphor you prefer), then I can give control over to God and let Him work all things for our Good. And I can take joy in, and celebrate the trials we face, that serve to build character and strengthen us. And in time, I can see the good they do, each hardship brings about something positive as a result.

When Kerry and my mom had to leave, we were so emotionally effected by it, that we actually cried and hugged and said "I love you" to each other, which may seem pretty insignificant to many, but for us, for our family, that's a big deal. It was an emotional outpouring that we just don't do, not because we don't feel it but because we're not good at showing it. And even though it's sad that Kerry was sick and that they had to leave, and I wish they could have stayed, we got to share and show some love that we may not have otherwise, and our relationships may have all been strengthened just a bit by that unfortunate circumstance.

I haven't figured out what's good about being sick, or about cutting Disney short, but I'm confidant that in time God will reveal what His purpose for these things were. I'm still dwelling on letting my kids down, and on disappointing them by ruining the day they were looking forward to the most, but I'm trying to get past that. I'm not in control, I can only do my best with what we're given, and I think I did that.

We have two days left of our vacation, and I'm praying that they're good ones. I'm praying for good weather and for good health, but most of all, I'm praying for the ability to take whatever we're given and make it good for the sake of Elvis and the kids, so that they can go home and feel like they had a good time away, so that we can look back at our trip fondly, and so we can laugh about the trials we faced while we were here.

Afterall, this time in itself is an incredible blessing.

We're all here together, away from the snow and the cold of Ontario's winter, away from the demands of work.

We're sharing this time with our family, members from both sides.

We're staying in a fantastic vacation house, with all the comforts of home and all the luxuries a vacation brings.

We've had some fun, and more to come.

When we were at our sickest, we had family to rally together and care for our kids when we couldn't, and they cared for us too.

We've had a break from the every day.

And we've learned our capacity to endure under pressure, and we're learning to make the best of what God gifts us with, because that's all we can do.

I want to learn to be joyful and grateful, even if what I get is not what I expected, it's always more then I deserve.

Katie