Some inspiration from Paul Simon.....
People say she's crazy
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that's one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
I've got diamonds on the soles of my shoes! I've got something beautiful between me and the path I'm on. I've got something fabulously valuable cushioning my every step, everywhere I go. It may seem crazy, to boast to those on the outside looking in, that the soles of my shoes are special, that they've got diamonds on them. But these diamonds beat those walking blues, they make every step a little easier to take.
I like this part too:
She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Katie
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
We're graduates!
Graduates of Marriage University that is!
And by that I mean, our stint in marriage counseling is over.
Now, you don't get grades in marriage counseling, but I have to say I think we passed with flying colors ;)
But seriously, marriage counseling has been a profound blessing to us. It provided us with insights, information and opportunities that we wouldn't have otherwise had in our re-building process. In fact, our rebuild wouldn't have even gotten off the ground if it weren't for our fantastic counselor, who graced us with God's word, and enlightened us with God's plan for marriage. After all, God created marriage, and when one is broken, it makes perfect sense to consult His instruction manual. Why didn't we think of that?
So, just seven months ago, we were what seemed to be irreparably broken, and here we stand, mended. Healing from the inside out. Rebuilding. Nearly rebuilt I would say. And it feels better then I could adequately describe. God has a brilliant, and beautiful way, of taking the biggest wrongs in my life, and making them right. He has healed deep wounds, eased incredible pain, and removed the heaviest of sorrows. I could not be more grateful to Him, or for Him.
Walking out of our counselors home today, I was proud, so very pleased with us. It's impossible not to think back on the severing of our old selves, that night where we fell completely to pieces. It's even more difficult not to remember our separation, and the fear and sadness and anger that came along with it. And looking back on that, and then being present in the right now, it's undeniable a miracle was performed, it's impossible to not recognize that we experienced divine intervention. He cares for us, for Elvis and I, so deeply, He stepped in and intervened, and prevented us from tearing down, what he lovingly brought together.
Of course we realize that the real work is just beginning. We suffered a wound, a great big awful wound, and with God's help it has healed, but the challenge now stands, don't do it again. Don't forget, don't become complacent, don't backslide, don't wound each other any further. But now, we have "tools" in our proverbial marriage tool box, now we know things we never knew before. Marriage counseling was really a school of sorts, and we learned the art of communication, and of fighting, and of romancing, and of caring, and of respect. We learned the biblical definitions of marriage and the roles of each spouse. We had "ah ha!" moments, we stored those away, pondered and prayed on them, and we're changed. We're smarter now then we were before when it comes to what exactly marriage is and how it is to be managed. I know better now who I am in this partnership, and better understand who Elvis is. So, I think we've earned our good report card, and I can't wait to get out there and start my career in "Happy Marriage". Eyes wide open and fully aware of all the ways the world has to trip a couple up.
When I started this blog, my biggest ambition was to better my relationship with Elvis and rebuild what we slowly let break down. So I am understandably happy that we are doing so well. What I set out to is working, our efforts are paying off and confirming to me that we are capable of great and wonderful change when we take God on as a partner in that change.
I am rebuilding.
We are rebuilding.
And the healing and strength I feel is exhilarating tonight.
Katie
And by that I mean, our stint in marriage counseling is over.
Now, you don't get grades in marriage counseling, but I have to say I think we passed with flying colors ;)
But seriously, marriage counseling has been a profound blessing to us. It provided us with insights, information and opportunities that we wouldn't have otherwise had in our re-building process. In fact, our rebuild wouldn't have even gotten off the ground if it weren't for our fantastic counselor, who graced us with God's word, and enlightened us with God's plan for marriage. After all, God created marriage, and when one is broken, it makes perfect sense to consult His instruction manual. Why didn't we think of that?
So, just seven months ago, we were what seemed to be irreparably broken, and here we stand, mended. Healing from the inside out. Rebuilding. Nearly rebuilt I would say. And it feels better then I could adequately describe. God has a brilliant, and beautiful way, of taking the biggest wrongs in my life, and making them right. He has healed deep wounds, eased incredible pain, and removed the heaviest of sorrows. I could not be more grateful to Him, or for Him.
Walking out of our counselors home today, I was proud, so very pleased with us. It's impossible not to think back on the severing of our old selves, that night where we fell completely to pieces. It's even more difficult not to remember our separation, and the fear and sadness and anger that came along with it. And looking back on that, and then being present in the right now, it's undeniable a miracle was performed, it's impossible to not recognize that we experienced divine intervention. He cares for us, for Elvis and I, so deeply, He stepped in and intervened, and prevented us from tearing down, what he lovingly brought together.
Of course we realize that the real work is just beginning. We suffered a wound, a great big awful wound, and with God's help it has healed, but the challenge now stands, don't do it again. Don't forget, don't become complacent, don't backslide, don't wound each other any further. But now, we have "tools" in our proverbial marriage tool box, now we know things we never knew before. Marriage counseling was really a school of sorts, and we learned the art of communication, and of fighting, and of romancing, and of caring, and of respect. We learned the biblical definitions of marriage and the roles of each spouse. We had "ah ha!" moments, we stored those away, pondered and prayed on them, and we're changed. We're smarter now then we were before when it comes to what exactly marriage is and how it is to be managed. I know better now who I am in this partnership, and better understand who Elvis is. So, I think we've earned our good report card, and I can't wait to get out there and start my career in "Happy Marriage". Eyes wide open and fully aware of all the ways the world has to trip a couple up.
When I started this blog, my biggest ambition was to better my relationship with Elvis and rebuild what we slowly let break down. So I am understandably happy that we are doing so well. What I set out to is working, our efforts are paying off and confirming to me that we are capable of great and wonderful change when we take God on as a partner in that change.
I am rebuilding.
We are rebuilding.
And the healing and strength I feel is exhilarating tonight.
Katie
Boy=Joy!
Yesterday I got to take some photo's of my son, which is quite an accomplishment as two year old boys NEVER sit still. EVER. With patience and bribery (hence the sucker), I was able to get some really sweet shots of my little guy, that capture his energy and his boyishness, and the pure joy that he exudes about 23 hours a day ;)
Just look at him! Who does he think he is? He's a boy now, not a baby, but he's a joyful boy, so I guess that's okay.....
He's a bit of a clown too, a real little goof ball. He makes me smile, and laugh, he's good for my heart.....
And he's beautiful, inside and outside, he's amazing. He's a gift. And a joy. I hope he grows up knowing how cherished and delighted in he is. I think he will.
He doesn't look like a boy who lacks in that sort of confidence does he?
Not for one second of any day do I forget how blessed I am to have my beautiful children, the ones I have to raise, and the ones I don't. They're incredible gifts, and they enhance every aspect of my life. Is it any wonder my heart calls out for another? Well, not from where I sit!
Katie
Just look at him! Who does he think he is? He's a boy now, not a baby, but he's a joyful boy, so I guess that's okay.....
He's a bit of a clown too, a real little goof ball. He makes me smile, and laugh, he's good for my heart.....
And he's beautiful, inside and outside, he's amazing. He's a gift. And a joy. I hope he grows up knowing how cherished and delighted in he is. I think he will.
He doesn't look like a boy who lacks in that sort of confidence does he?
Not for one second of any day do I forget how blessed I am to have my beautiful children, the ones I have to raise, and the ones I don't. They're incredible gifts, and they enhance every aspect of my life. Is it any wonder my heart calls out for another? Well, not from where I sit!
Katie
Sunday, March 28, 2010
What it's all about.....
Really. This picture just about sums up why every hardship, struggle and disappointment in life is not enough to take the shine off of how great it is. This picture (and pictures of Landon that will eventually follow) sums up the depth and breadth of God's blessings in my life, and this picture sums up why I will always be grateful and blessed, even when I'm hurting.
Seriously, she's amazing!
I had intended to take pictures of both kids today, but Landon took an earlier then expected nap and missed his photo shoot (hopefully we'll do him tomorrow), so I just did Avery's photos. And while I was editing them, my heart just swelled with love and joy, and a sense of gratitude so big and so powerful, there aren't adequate words to describe it.
Psalm 127:3 says:
3 Children are a gift from the Lord ;
they are a reward from him.
How true it is! Each of my kids, a gift from the Lord, and the most priceless, amazing and irreplaceable gifts I'll ever receive. Uniquely crafted by His design, and lovingly entrusted to our care on earth. How blessed am I?
Avery
Everett
Landon
"Hope"
Blessings. Gifts. Miracles. And what it's all about.
They're fantastic little beings that take the sting out of so many of life's ailments. It's cliche for sure, but it's true, they fill the day up with sunshine! And joy, and laughter, and smiles, and hugs, and kisses and cuddles. At the end of the day I hardly give thought to the messes, fights, dirty diapers, laundry, dishes, tantrums and marker on the new couch ;)
Really!
I'm showcasing Avery's new pictures, but all my kids have stretched and grown my heart, and made me more loving, more grateful, happier and more patient. They've improved me over and over. And I am grateful.
Endlessly.
Katie
It's been a while...
Since I've had time to get on here and blog. Life got busy there for a while. But a good busy, a happy and contented sort of busy.
This week seems like it will be no less hectic, but I need to make time for writing because it keeps me centered and sane and focused! It's vital!
This week Landon is due to start Nursery School, and I am both excited and panicked at the same time! His pediatrician and occupational therapist have recommended it, to help get him ready for Junior Kindergarten in September in 2011. They think it will help with his speech, gross and fine motor skills, and socialization skills, and I'm happy they're thinking ahead and getting him ready for his next big adventure. And he's so excited! He has a brand new Cars backpack he wears around the house, he toured the facility and immediately fit right in, he's going to have a blast! But this Mama is nervous! He's my baby!
How the heck did my baby get so big so fast?
It truly does happen in the blink of an eye. In a split second they go from wearing preemie sleepers to backpacks. And we're just left sitting there stunned wondering what the heck happened.
Our precious little Avery continues to thrive and learn in school, and I am quite certain that her reading abilities will surpass my own in the next few years! We're so proud of her and have been brainstorming ways to feed her voracious appetite for knowledge and books and keep her progressing like she has.
I've been working more regularly and am enjoying it more and more. I'm really enjoying the relationships at work with my co-workers, relationships that are hard to form when you're there so infrequently. But I am really starting to enjoy my co-workers (not that I didn't before) and going into work more often. I'm also enjoying the new level of significance I feel in my job, when I relate it to my faith, and try and care for my patients and their families from a Christian point of view. It makes me more patient, more sympathetic and more loving then I usually am, and I can feel the difference in myself, I enjoy it more.
Other things that have been keeping me busy are, Stella & Dot, socializing with family and friends (one of my new year goals), my kids, my husband, my house, our puppy, chores, shopping, and planning for Easter. It's a full, busy and completely fantastic life I have!
Dieting seems to have fallen off my radar for the time being, so if you pray, please pray that I can get that back on track!
Anyway, for now, that's all I have time to say ;) But I will be certain to get back at this blogging process more regularly in the near future!
Katie
This week seems like it will be no less hectic, but I need to make time for writing because it keeps me centered and sane and focused! It's vital!
This week Landon is due to start Nursery School, and I am both excited and panicked at the same time! His pediatrician and occupational therapist have recommended it, to help get him ready for Junior Kindergarten in September in 2011. They think it will help with his speech, gross and fine motor skills, and socialization skills, and I'm happy they're thinking ahead and getting him ready for his next big adventure. And he's so excited! He has a brand new Cars backpack he wears around the house, he toured the facility and immediately fit right in, he's going to have a blast! But this Mama is nervous! He's my baby!
How the heck did my baby get so big so fast?
It truly does happen in the blink of an eye. In a split second they go from wearing preemie sleepers to backpacks. And we're just left sitting there stunned wondering what the heck happened.
Our precious little Avery continues to thrive and learn in school, and I am quite certain that her reading abilities will surpass my own in the next few years! We're so proud of her and have been brainstorming ways to feed her voracious appetite for knowledge and books and keep her progressing like she has.
I've been working more regularly and am enjoying it more and more. I'm really enjoying the relationships at work with my co-workers, relationships that are hard to form when you're there so infrequently. But I am really starting to enjoy my co-workers (not that I didn't before) and going into work more often. I'm also enjoying the new level of significance I feel in my job, when I relate it to my faith, and try and care for my patients and their families from a Christian point of view. It makes me more patient, more sympathetic and more loving then I usually am, and I can feel the difference in myself, I enjoy it more.
Other things that have been keeping me busy are, Stella & Dot, socializing with family and friends (one of my new year goals), my kids, my husband, my house, our puppy, chores, shopping, and planning for Easter. It's a full, busy and completely fantastic life I have!
Dieting seems to have fallen off my radar for the time being, so if you pray, please pray that I can get that back on track!
Anyway, for now, that's all I have time to say ;) But I will be certain to get back at this blogging process more regularly in the near future!
Katie
Friday, March 19, 2010
Old holiday, new outlook...
Easter is approaching!
I love Easter, I always have.
The Easter of my childhood included egg hunts with cousins, chocolate, little presents, sometimes even big presents. It was anticipated with almost as much excitement as Christmas, it was "little Christmas."
It was good.
It was fun.
It was family and tradition and love.
And this year I hope to include all that for my kids, and also to build onto the Easter of my childhood, by adding a huge heaping dose of Christ to the mix.
I'm excited to marry my favorite Childhood traditions with our new and flourishing faith, and celebrate an Easter that is both fun and exciting, and humble and grateful and full of worship.
I'm feeling that same old child like excitement at the thought of how I'll make this Easter special and meaningful for all of us!
As a child growing up, I understood, only very minimally, what Easter was all about. The basic concepts were there, both my Gramma's were Catholic and explained, to a small degree what the holiday was all about, but out family holiday's never focused on their religious origins, though they were always acknowledged. So, I've had to do some research on my own, to fill in the gaps not yet filled by our church going.
Easter is a very big deal! It celebrates the events that Christianity is founded on.
Christ was sacrificed so that we could be saved. He died for our sins on the cross.
He was buried in a tomb and three days later he was risen from the dead. Giving hope and a promise to all those who follow him. Christ conquered the grave and promises that if we believe in Him, we too can have eternal life in Heaven.
The resurrection is what it's all about.
1 Corinthians 15:17 says...
17 And if Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins.
If we don't acknowledge and celebrate Christs rising from his grave, overcoming death and assuring salvation for all who believe, what do we as Christians really believe in? This is the cornerstone of our faith. The faith I am working on strengthening and building each and every day. I would be remiss to miss a chance to really and truly honor Christ and deepen my faith and my family's faith this Easter.
I'm brainstorming now, on what traditions other Christian families use to celebrate Easter. I'm asking around, reading blogs, looking for books, I'm really interested to see what fun and meaningful Easter traditions are out there!
Have any ideas or traditions you'd like to share? Please do! I'd love to hear what you're doing for Easter this year!
This much I know for sure:
We'll go to Church, hopefully to both Good Friday and Easter Sunday services, but to one at least.
I'll do an Easter supper, as a family, at the same table, and that's a big deal for us!
I have a Devotion book for Passion week (Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday) that I will hopefully be able to read to the kids, but if not, Elvis and I can do it together.
The kids will get either a new children's Bible, or Christian story book for an Easter gift, as well as a stuffed lamb and some candies. I'll hide it all because that was always my favorite part of Easter as a kid, hunting!
I'll make Avery some "Avery-safe" chocolates so she doesn't miss out on that fun tradition (I have a chocolate bunny mold somewhere).
I think that's all I have planned. Mix that with work and school and it's a full week leading up to Easter Sunday, and I really hope that some of the teachings on the origin of the holiday will resonate with the kids. And I hope a more meaningful celebration will resonate with Elvis and I and grow our faith a little more.
And because I like this little piece of scripture, I wanted to share it:
1 Corinthians 15:53-55
53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.
Where, O death, is your sting?”
It's not really about Easter, but it is about Christs promise to us being fulfilled. When we believe in Jesus, and accept that through him is the only way to Heaven, and that we need him to be our savior, he promises us eternal life in Heaven. He promises that death with have no power over us, because we'll have eternity with Him. When we clothe ourselves in Him, we defeat death.
Where, O death, is your sting?
Now, I've felt deaths sting, and one of the great reprieves that my faith has brought me, is that I don't need to grieve the death that has already touched us, or fear our own impending death. Belief in Christ has made it abundantly clear to me, that death will not have the last word. So we can grieve when needed, but otherwise be filled with hope in Christs promises. I rest assured.
I am continuously impressed and excited over the countless opportunities Faith presents me with to grow and flourish and deepen my relationship with my creator and savior.
I'm excited for a Christian Easter, for the very first time, and I will keep you updated!
Katie
I love Easter, I always have.
The Easter of my childhood included egg hunts with cousins, chocolate, little presents, sometimes even big presents. It was anticipated with almost as much excitement as Christmas, it was "little Christmas."
It was good.
It was fun.
It was family and tradition and love.
And this year I hope to include all that for my kids, and also to build onto the Easter of my childhood, by adding a huge heaping dose of Christ to the mix.
I'm excited to marry my favorite Childhood traditions with our new and flourishing faith, and celebrate an Easter that is both fun and exciting, and humble and grateful and full of worship.
I'm feeling that same old child like excitement at the thought of how I'll make this Easter special and meaningful for all of us!
As a child growing up, I understood, only very minimally, what Easter was all about. The basic concepts were there, both my Gramma's were Catholic and explained, to a small degree what the holiday was all about, but out family holiday's never focused on their religious origins, though they were always acknowledged. So, I've had to do some research on my own, to fill in the gaps not yet filled by our church going.
Easter is a very big deal! It celebrates the events that Christianity is founded on.
Christ was sacrificed so that we could be saved. He died for our sins on the cross.
He was buried in a tomb and three days later he was risen from the dead. Giving hope and a promise to all those who follow him. Christ conquered the grave and promises that if we believe in Him, we too can have eternal life in Heaven.
The resurrection is what it's all about.
1 Corinthians 15:17 says...
17 And if Christ has not been raised, then your faith is useless and you are still guilty of your sins.
If we don't acknowledge and celebrate Christs rising from his grave, overcoming death and assuring salvation for all who believe, what do we as Christians really believe in? This is the cornerstone of our faith. The faith I am working on strengthening and building each and every day. I would be remiss to miss a chance to really and truly honor Christ and deepen my faith and my family's faith this Easter.
I'm brainstorming now, on what traditions other Christian families use to celebrate Easter. I'm asking around, reading blogs, looking for books, I'm really interested to see what fun and meaningful Easter traditions are out there!
Have any ideas or traditions you'd like to share? Please do! I'd love to hear what you're doing for Easter this year!
This much I know for sure:
We'll go to Church, hopefully to both Good Friday and Easter Sunday services, but to one at least.
I'll do an Easter supper, as a family, at the same table, and that's a big deal for us!
I have a Devotion book for Passion week (Palm Sunday to Easter Sunday) that I will hopefully be able to read to the kids, but if not, Elvis and I can do it together.
The kids will get either a new children's Bible, or Christian story book for an Easter gift, as well as a stuffed lamb and some candies. I'll hide it all because that was always my favorite part of Easter as a kid, hunting!
I'll make Avery some "Avery-safe" chocolates so she doesn't miss out on that fun tradition (I have a chocolate bunny mold somewhere).
I think that's all I have planned. Mix that with work and school and it's a full week leading up to Easter Sunday, and I really hope that some of the teachings on the origin of the holiday will resonate with the kids. And I hope a more meaningful celebration will resonate with Elvis and I and grow our faith a little more.
And because I like this little piece of scripture, I wanted to share it:
1 Corinthians 15:53-55
53 For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.
54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”
Where, O death, is your sting?”
It's not really about Easter, but it is about Christs promise to us being fulfilled. When we believe in Jesus, and accept that through him is the only way to Heaven, and that we need him to be our savior, he promises us eternal life in Heaven. He promises that death with have no power over us, because we'll have eternity with Him. When we clothe ourselves in Him, we defeat death.
Where, O death, is your sting?
Now, I've felt deaths sting, and one of the great reprieves that my faith has brought me, is that I don't need to grieve the death that has already touched us, or fear our own impending death. Belief in Christ has made it abundantly clear to me, that death will not have the last word. So we can grieve when needed, but otherwise be filled with hope in Christs promises. I rest assured.
I am continuously impressed and excited over the countless opportunities Faith presents me with to grow and flourish and deepen my relationship with my creator and savior.
I'm excited for a Christian Easter, for the very first time, and I will keep you updated!
Katie
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Chasing my tail.....
Going round and round and round.
Always back where I started.
Ever set out in pursuit of change, no what needs to be done, plan to do it, and then do the exact opposite?
Ever pledge to change a behavior, promising yourself that you'll replace it with something more positive, something better, but then fall back to your own ways?
That's me. I can never quite break free of myself and my ways.
I know what I should and shouldn't do, it seems logical/simple enough, but I always end up doing what I was trying to avoid or change. Looks like I'm not alone though....
Romans 7:15
15 I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
Some things are just so hard to change.
Especially where your heart or passions are concerned.
What do you get when you combine jealousy, distrust, anger, and hurt? Me doing things I hate.
Being angry.
Being distrustful.
Being jealous.
Being hurt.
I wish I could say that earlier today an opportunity presented itself for me to put into practice what I've been learning in counseling and in scripture, and I rose to the occassion. But I didn't. I instantly gave way to my sinful inclinations, and before I could do what I know I should have done, I did what I hate, what I should not have done.
I reacted hotly. I reacted based on my fears, and hurts, and reservations, and not on Godly principals. I may have felt justfied, and like I should assert my will, in fact, that's what I did. But that got me nowhere fast. With some reflection and prayer, I immediately knew I was going about it in the wrong way. I was fixated on the wrong things. And I was doing something that would only get me where I don't want to be.
I had to choose to switch off my negativity. Put away doubt, anger and jealousy and bring out trust, forgiveness, love and faith. The biggest thing we've been learning about God's will for us, is that we're to love like he loves.
Specifically in marriage we're learning that we are the people in our spouses life best suited to show them God's love for them. We are to be the funnels God uses to pour his love on our spouses.
How does God love?
He loves always, even when it isn't deserved.
He loves deeply.
He forgives everything.
He is faithful.
His love is unconditional.
And we are called to love our spouses like that.
So here I am this afternoon. Angry, shaken, suscpicious and concerned, deeply, deeply concerned about something. And there I am pouring out negativity, guilt, anger, and distrust all over Elvis. At the time, I felt like I was justifed. I felt like it was called for. I felt like it was productive. But, when that completely backfired, and I went to my room to pray on it, it occured to me, I had it all wrong. Suddenly I remembered the books and the scripture and the advice from our counselor, and I realized, that even though I knew better, I was doing all the same negative things I had set out to change.
So, I prayed for the ability to love like God.
I prayed for the ability to love even when I didn't feel like it.
I prayed for the ability to forgive, everything, always.
I prayed for help banishing anger and jealousy.
I prayed for God to work on my heart and help me be a more loving person in general.
And I prayed that He would be at the heart of our marriage, working all things for our combined good.
Am I still a little angry? You know it! That stuff doesn't go away just because you want it to. God and I are still working on healing that particular wound.
Am I still full of hate towards someone/something? Uh huh. Working on it though. Trying to get through it, past it, over it, whatever, I'm trying to get that hate out of my heart, it feels ugly, and makes me project all kinds of ugly onto others.
Is it hard to "suck it up" so to speak, and love and forgive when you feel like you shouldn't have to? When you feel justified? It is. It's really hard. But whoever said loving like God was easy?
But it's worth it. Especially when you feel God pouring his love right back on you, directly through Him, and through your spouse. It has it's rewards along with it's sacrifices.
I know I'm being vague about the "issue" that brought about this epiphany of mine, but that's okay. It was a marital issue, they happen in nearly every couple I suspect. One of those spats where a wife could become "nagging" or clingy or defensive or pushy. That was my first reaction, but the Bible is full of warnings against this. Particularly good advice in Proverbs I find, here are some good ones...
Proverbs 19:3
3 People ruin their lives by their own foolishness
and then are angry at the Lord .
Proverbs 19:11
11 Sensible people control their temper;
they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.
Proverbs 21:9
9 It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic
than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.
Proverbs 21:19
19 It's better to live alone in the desert
than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.
Proverbs 27:15-16
15 A quarrelsome wife is as annoying
as constant dripping on a rainy day.
16 Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind
or trying to hold something with greased hands.
Sure, I was trying to defend my reactions, plead my case, make my point. But honestly, my approach, though genuine and heartfelt and real, made me very hard to listen to, and really be understood. In trying to impress my feelings and opinons on Elvis, I was really causing him to shut me out.
We've learned so much, but we have a long way to go.
I have a long way to go.
But slowly, and surely I am learning, that love is an action, and a choice, not a feeling or an instinct.
And I suspect this little lesson is something I will learn and re-learn over and over again througout the course of our marriage.
Katie
Always back where I started.
Ever set out in pursuit of change, no what needs to be done, plan to do it, and then do the exact opposite?
Ever pledge to change a behavior, promising yourself that you'll replace it with something more positive, something better, but then fall back to your own ways?
That's me. I can never quite break free of myself and my ways.
I know what I should and shouldn't do, it seems logical/simple enough, but I always end up doing what I was trying to avoid or change. Looks like I'm not alone though....
Romans 7:15
15 I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.
Some things are just so hard to change.
Especially where your heart or passions are concerned.
What do you get when you combine jealousy, distrust, anger, and hurt? Me doing things I hate.
Being angry.
Being distrustful.
Being jealous.
Being hurt.
I wish I could say that earlier today an opportunity presented itself for me to put into practice what I've been learning in counseling and in scripture, and I rose to the occassion. But I didn't. I instantly gave way to my sinful inclinations, and before I could do what I know I should have done, I did what I hate, what I should not have done.
I reacted hotly. I reacted based on my fears, and hurts, and reservations, and not on Godly principals. I may have felt justfied, and like I should assert my will, in fact, that's what I did. But that got me nowhere fast. With some reflection and prayer, I immediately knew I was going about it in the wrong way. I was fixated on the wrong things. And I was doing something that would only get me where I don't want to be.
I had to choose to switch off my negativity. Put away doubt, anger and jealousy and bring out trust, forgiveness, love and faith. The biggest thing we've been learning about God's will for us, is that we're to love like he loves.
Specifically in marriage we're learning that we are the people in our spouses life best suited to show them God's love for them. We are to be the funnels God uses to pour his love on our spouses.
How does God love?
He loves always, even when it isn't deserved.
He loves deeply.
He forgives everything.
He is faithful.
His love is unconditional.
And we are called to love our spouses like that.
So here I am this afternoon. Angry, shaken, suscpicious and concerned, deeply, deeply concerned about something. And there I am pouring out negativity, guilt, anger, and distrust all over Elvis. At the time, I felt like I was justifed. I felt like it was called for. I felt like it was productive. But, when that completely backfired, and I went to my room to pray on it, it occured to me, I had it all wrong. Suddenly I remembered the books and the scripture and the advice from our counselor, and I realized, that even though I knew better, I was doing all the same negative things I had set out to change.
So, I prayed for the ability to love like God.
I prayed for the ability to love even when I didn't feel like it.
I prayed for the ability to forgive, everything, always.
I prayed for help banishing anger and jealousy.
I prayed for God to work on my heart and help me be a more loving person in general.
And I prayed that He would be at the heart of our marriage, working all things for our combined good.
Am I still a little angry? You know it! That stuff doesn't go away just because you want it to. God and I are still working on healing that particular wound.
Am I still full of hate towards someone/something? Uh huh. Working on it though. Trying to get through it, past it, over it, whatever, I'm trying to get that hate out of my heart, it feels ugly, and makes me project all kinds of ugly onto others.
Is it hard to "suck it up" so to speak, and love and forgive when you feel like you shouldn't have to? When you feel justified? It is. It's really hard. But whoever said loving like God was easy?
But it's worth it. Especially when you feel God pouring his love right back on you, directly through Him, and through your spouse. It has it's rewards along with it's sacrifices.
I know I'm being vague about the "issue" that brought about this epiphany of mine, but that's okay. It was a marital issue, they happen in nearly every couple I suspect. One of those spats where a wife could become "nagging" or clingy or defensive or pushy. That was my first reaction, but the Bible is full of warnings against this. Particularly good advice in Proverbs I find, here are some good ones...
Proverbs 19:3
3 People ruin their lives by their own foolishness
and then are angry at the Lord .
Proverbs 19:11
11 Sensible people control their temper;
they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.
Proverbs 21:9
9 It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic
than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.
Proverbs 21:19
19 It's better to live alone in the desert
than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.
Proverbs 27:15-16
15 A quarrelsome wife is as annoying
as constant dripping on a rainy day.
16 Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind
or trying to hold something with greased hands.
Sure, I was trying to defend my reactions, plead my case, make my point. But honestly, my approach, though genuine and heartfelt and real, made me very hard to listen to, and really be understood. In trying to impress my feelings and opinons on Elvis, I was really causing him to shut me out.
We've learned so much, but we have a long way to go.
I have a long way to go.
But slowly, and surely I am learning, that love is an action, and a choice, not a feeling or an instinct.
And I suspect this little lesson is something I will learn and re-learn over and over again througout the course of our marriage.
Katie
