It's been a while since I've posted here, and I've really missed it! I got busy with life and the beautiful chaos that comes with having a young family and forgot why I started this blog, and why I was keeping it up, and I'd like to get back to that!
This blog was started so I could journal how I am reading, processing and applying God's word in my life, and how it's helping keep me focused and balanced and feeling confidant, even in tough times. This blog has helped me clear my mind and focus my efforts, and it has helped me relax and just trust in Him in the past, so now that my baby is old enough to set down a while, I'm diving back in!
Life here is in a state of transition, which is both exciting but also a little stressful! We've adjusted well to the addition of our new daughter Stella to our family, and she's a little joy, but now Avery is back in school, and Landon starts Junior Kindergarten on Friday, and to top it off, we're moving! A brand new home awaits us and we're so excited to get in and make it feel like home! I'm day dreaming of Christmas and birthdays and playing in the backyard, and it's so exciting, but at the same time, it brings worries. Moving, unpacking, and getting settled, on top of the financial strain of a bigger home, it's a big commitment and undertaking, and to make it work, and to really be able to enjoy it, Elvis and I need to have a shared vision for our family, and a strong commitment to living in a certain way, that will lessen the burden and the stress of a bigger monthly mortgage.
We've talked about how we'll start being more frugal, and how we're going to make it a really fun sort of project, to see where we can cut back. We're going to tap into our creativity and really try and find interesting, unique and innovative ways to shop, save, and spend differently. But faith will come in handy here, when we're feeling like it's too hard, when we're feeling deprived, our faith will help remind us that God cares for us and provides for us, and will not test us beyond what we can handle. I had originally started a frugal living blog, but I think perhaps I am spreading myself too thin, trying to maintain too many blogs that are really just sub-topics of my life, so I think I'll just merge that blog with this one, and continue to maintain our grief blog (Like a Sparrow Falling), as well as our new blog for our fundraising efforts to help other grieving parents (For Grieving Hearts).
I'm going to try and post here several times a week, to keep myself on track, and to let you all know what God's doing in my life and what pieces of scripture I'm thinking over and trying to apply.
Katie
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
Changes...
I'm very busy these days.
I didn't anticipate how much time, time for myself that is, that I would be sacrficing for my newly expanded family.
My days and nights are packed full, joyfully so, but I'm still busy and tired from it.
My days are undeniably full of joy and happiness, and the sweetness my new baby daughter Stella has brought to our family, it's fantastic, but I find myself missing my time for emotional and creative release. I miss being able to read, to write and to even think an entire thought. I never realized how important it was to me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings through writing and blogging, and since being too busy, and my arms being ever full of baby, I find my mind reeling trying to process my world and the events of my day without my most familiar and comfortable processing method, words!
But God has, quite graciously, granted me this time, right now, with three kids in bed and two hands free and a silent house all but for the dishwasher running. Here I sit at my computer screen with the delightful opportunity to spill my thoughts out and sort through them! Here I go!
Just about five weeks ago our beautiful new daughter Stella Evangeline made her arrival in this world! It was an experience that defies words. Amazing doesn't cut it. Beautiful doesn't do it justice. I just can't explain how satisfying and awe inspiring it was to deliver this amazing baby and hold her in my arms after a long and anxiety filled pregnancy. Every fear I held while pregnant with her fell away. Every worry I dwelled on evaporated on seeing sweet Stella being placed on my chest just seconds after being born. Pain was forgotten, and joy flooded the room in an instant. She's here! She's beautiful! She's healthy! God is ever faithful and so good to me! Stella is wonderfully unique, crafted to perfection by God and in trust to us, and I could not be happier or more grateful to Him for the opportunity to raise and love her.
We've exited the fear and worry zone and entered into sleepless nights and days filled with rocking and bouncing and shushing, and trying to make Avery and Landon feel loved and involved as well. It's not easy, but it's not been so bad either. Elvis has been a fantastic partner in it all, as always, and has even taken a parental leave to stay home with the kids and I, to truly enjoy this time together as a family. I'm grateful that we have this ability to be together and find our groove and I'm looking forward to what the coming weeks will hold for us in terms of growth and connecting as a family.
Now, that's the happy stuff I've been processing. I'm less excited to process and lay out the negative emotions I've been experiencing, but there are just a few I have to tackle.
Firstly, I want to snap my fingers and be 90 pounds lighter. Oh how I wish it were that simple. I've struggled with weight and self esteem my entire life it seems, it's a chronic condition for me but at the moment it is acutely flared up. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am ashamed of how I let myself fall apart. People tend to prickle when I use the word shame, like I should never be ashamed of myself in regards to my appearance, but I assure you I have plently of self love, but I do not have to love being overweight. I do not have to rejoice in the parts of me that are out of control. God wants me to be self controlled, gluttony is a sin, and I am quite guilty. To embrace over eating and laziness would be unhealthy and un-Godly, I think my shame is justified. I burried myself in weight, I've drowned emotions in food, I've spent days hidden away from the world instead of being out enjoying it. I've become unrecognizable and uncomfortable and I am desperate for change while being totally unsure of how to make it happen. Sure I've got motivation, and goals, I've got inspiration out the wahzoo! I want to be healthier, I want to live longer, I want to feel younger, I want to look better, I want nicer clothes that seem to be only available to the slender set. And mostly, I want to be desirable to my husband. Feminists across the world just cringed. But it's true. I want him to want me. I want him to like what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to feel a combination of desire and pride and protectiveness. I want to be the object of his affections. He loves me, but I am not the woman I was when he fell in love with me, not even close. I want to give him back the old me, well a version of the old me, slightly older, slightly wiser, and slightly more tired, but slim, attractive, healthy, energetic, fun and motivated. We both deserve to have her back.
But I struggle so hard with this. I flounder and flop and struggle. I don't understand it. I don't like it, and I feel weak in admitting that my eating issues seem so much bigger then me. It's on my agenda, I've got it on my radar, but I have no confidence that I can do it, I'm working on that.
This brings me to my marriage, which will forever be on my radar, and always on my agenda. It's not something I can afford to ever get complacent on. I've learned over the past years, that when it comes to marriage, you must never ever let your guard down, you can't ever just coast through, you need to be aware and engaged at all times. So we're at a place of transition, with a new baby and the joys and worries that come along with and I can sense a strain, which makes me fearful and anxious, but I am so grateful that God has already showed us what to do and how to do it and he's placed well appreciated resources in our lives to help us stay on top of things. I'm taking all spare moments in my day to focus on my marriage and the needs of my husband so we don't suffer a backslide, so we don't let anything wilt, and so nothing becomes a wedge between us in this time where our attentions are so divided. God put a hedge around us please and help bring us together when the pressures and stresses of the world would have us pulled apart. I'm learning so much about what a husband needs and what God requires of me as a wife, it's enlightening and I am eager to take what I have learned and put it to practice!
So there you have it, what's been on my mind for far too long. It feels so good to spill it out, however incoherant it may have been. I feel so blessed while also feeling so lost at times. I'm fearful still, and lonesome often, though I nearly never alone. I am emotional and undisciplined at times. I've fallen of the wagon more times then I can count, in my goals for my marriage, my weight and my blogging. I'm back on now, for now. I'm perfectly imperfect and begining to accept that, as well as the imperfections in those around me. And I am both excited and nervous when thinking about the months to come and the changes I hope to make as well as the ones I hope to avoid.
I'm hoping to become healthier, more outgoing and more vibrant. I'm hoping to fall in love with my husband all over again and for him to do the same, and for us to maintain it. I'm hoping to cherish every moment with my children and to be a mother worthy of the blessings they are. I'm hoping to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother and as a Christian. I'm hoping to change for good.
And only time will tell.
As it stands, God has blessed me. His love has been poured out on my family and my cup runneth over.
He is so good to me.
Katie
I didn't anticipate how much time, time for myself that is, that I would be sacrficing for my newly expanded family.
My days and nights are packed full, joyfully so, but I'm still busy and tired from it.
My days are undeniably full of joy and happiness, and the sweetness my new baby daughter Stella has brought to our family, it's fantastic, but I find myself missing my time for emotional and creative release. I miss being able to read, to write and to even think an entire thought. I never realized how important it was to me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings through writing and blogging, and since being too busy, and my arms being ever full of baby, I find my mind reeling trying to process my world and the events of my day without my most familiar and comfortable processing method, words!
But God has, quite graciously, granted me this time, right now, with three kids in bed and two hands free and a silent house all but for the dishwasher running. Here I sit at my computer screen with the delightful opportunity to spill my thoughts out and sort through them! Here I go!
Just about five weeks ago our beautiful new daughter Stella Evangeline made her arrival in this world! It was an experience that defies words. Amazing doesn't cut it. Beautiful doesn't do it justice. I just can't explain how satisfying and awe inspiring it was to deliver this amazing baby and hold her in my arms after a long and anxiety filled pregnancy. Every fear I held while pregnant with her fell away. Every worry I dwelled on evaporated on seeing sweet Stella being placed on my chest just seconds after being born. Pain was forgotten, and joy flooded the room in an instant. She's here! She's beautiful! She's healthy! God is ever faithful and so good to me! Stella is wonderfully unique, crafted to perfection by God and in trust to us, and I could not be happier or more grateful to Him for the opportunity to raise and love her.
We've exited the fear and worry zone and entered into sleepless nights and days filled with rocking and bouncing and shushing, and trying to make Avery and Landon feel loved and involved as well. It's not easy, but it's not been so bad either. Elvis has been a fantastic partner in it all, as always, and has even taken a parental leave to stay home with the kids and I, to truly enjoy this time together as a family. I'm grateful that we have this ability to be together and find our groove and I'm looking forward to what the coming weeks will hold for us in terms of growth and connecting as a family.
Now, that's the happy stuff I've been processing. I'm less excited to process and lay out the negative emotions I've been experiencing, but there are just a few I have to tackle.
Firstly, I want to snap my fingers and be 90 pounds lighter. Oh how I wish it were that simple. I've struggled with weight and self esteem my entire life it seems, it's a chronic condition for me but at the moment it is acutely flared up. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am ashamed of how I let myself fall apart. People tend to prickle when I use the word shame, like I should never be ashamed of myself in regards to my appearance, but I assure you I have plently of self love, but I do not have to love being overweight. I do not have to rejoice in the parts of me that are out of control. God wants me to be self controlled, gluttony is a sin, and I am quite guilty. To embrace over eating and laziness would be unhealthy and un-Godly, I think my shame is justified. I burried myself in weight, I've drowned emotions in food, I've spent days hidden away from the world instead of being out enjoying it. I've become unrecognizable and uncomfortable and I am desperate for change while being totally unsure of how to make it happen. Sure I've got motivation, and goals, I've got inspiration out the wahzoo! I want to be healthier, I want to live longer, I want to feel younger, I want to look better, I want nicer clothes that seem to be only available to the slender set. And mostly, I want to be desirable to my husband. Feminists across the world just cringed. But it's true. I want him to want me. I want him to like what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to feel a combination of desire and pride and protectiveness. I want to be the object of his affections. He loves me, but I am not the woman I was when he fell in love with me, not even close. I want to give him back the old me, well a version of the old me, slightly older, slightly wiser, and slightly more tired, but slim, attractive, healthy, energetic, fun and motivated. We both deserve to have her back.
But I struggle so hard with this. I flounder and flop and struggle. I don't understand it. I don't like it, and I feel weak in admitting that my eating issues seem so much bigger then me. It's on my agenda, I've got it on my radar, but I have no confidence that I can do it, I'm working on that.
This brings me to my marriage, which will forever be on my radar, and always on my agenda. It's not something I can afford to ever get complacent on. I've learned over the past years, that when it comes to marriage, you must never ever let your guard down, you can't ever just coast through, you need to be aware and engaged at all times. So we're at a place of transition, with a new baby and the joys and worries that come along with and I can sense a strain, which makes me fearful and anxious, but I am so grateful that God has already showed us what to do and how to do it and he's placed well appreciated resources in our lives to help us stay on top of things. I'm taking all spare moments in my day to focus on my marriage and the needs of my husband so we don't suffer a backslide, so we don't let anything wilt, and so nothing becomes a wedge between us in this time where our attentions are so divided. God put a hedge around us please and help bring us together when the pressures and stresses of the world would have us pulled apart. I'm learning so much about what a husband needs and what God requires of me as a wife, it's enlightening and I am eager to take what I have learned and put it to practice!
So there you have it, what's been on my mind for far too long. It feels so good to spill it out, however incoherant it may have been. I feel so blessed while also feeling so lost at times. I'm fearful still, and lonesome often, though I nearly never alone. I am emotional and undisciplined at times. I've fallen of the wagon more times then I can count, in my goals for my marriage, my weight and my blogging. I'm back on now, for now. I'm perfectly imperfect and begining to accept that, as well as the imperfections in those around me. And I am both excited and nervous when thinking about the months to come and the changes I hope to make as well as the ones I hope to avoid.
I'm hoping to become healthier, more outgoing and more vibrant. I'm hoping to fall in love with my husband all over again and for him to do the same, and for us to maintain it. I'm hoping to cherish every moment with my children and to be a mother worthy of the blessings they are. I'm hoping to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother and as a Christian. I'm hoping to change for good.
And only time will tell.
As it stands, God has blessed me. His love has been poured out on my family and my cup runneth over.
He is so good to me.
Katie
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Dear Stella...
You're due in three weeks.
The anticipation has moved from comfortable excitement to officially antsy!
I've been feeling you moving for weeks and weeks, now I feel you rolling and burrowing and kicking, and I can't describe exactly how that makes me feel, something like elation. It amazes me, to envision you inside me, a real baby, ready to be born, just waiting for the perfect time to make your entrance into the world. I'm on pins and needles.
And though I can't sleep at night from various aches and ailments, I'm in love with this pregnancy. I'm in love with you. As eager as I am to have you in my arms, I have thoroughly loved holding you beneath my heart all these weeks.
I can't promise you perfection in this life, imperfection is lifes only promise. Life will be imperfect, so will I, but I do promise my love will come with good intentions and it will be unending.
I'm nervous though, in these last few weeks of pregnancy. I'm fearful, but not of pain or of labor, but of ghosts of experiences past. I'm entirely in love with you, but entirely flawed and human and scared of things I'd rather never mention to you. I don't want to burden you with my scars and my wounds, they're not your doing nor your concern. But I can't wait to have you here with us, in our arms and safe and healthy. I can't wait to get you in our home, in your room, safe.
You can't possibly know how loved you are just yet, but you will.
XO
Dear Avery
You are amazing. You are smart and beautiful. You are independent and spirited. You are strong willed and delightful. I can't believe how much I love you, and that love deepens every single minute we're together. We butt heads, and I expect that will also increase as time goes on. You challenge me to be a better mother, and you reward me with your sweet love and dazzling smile. You are one of my life's greatest pleasures, and I am so grateful to God that he blessed me with you. You're going to be a great big sister for Stella, you already are to Landon, I can't wait to see you sisters together. Joy!
XO
Dear Landon
You are heart-melting. You are cuddly and sensitive and funny and precious. You are a joy! I love that you love rockets and air planes and cowboys, I love that you're all boy, but that you kiss boo boos for others and you come to my defense when your sister is being sassy. You're going to be some lucky woman's dream come true some day, you're already mine! I don't know how I got so lucky, just to have you here in my life, you're a gift and you're good for my heart. You're stubborn and strong willed, but so eager to please. You're just like your dad, which is why you butt heads with him and not me. You're special and cherished and amazing. You're a dream come true! Your sisters are lucky to have you.
XO
Dear Everett
God only knows how much I miss you. You're in my heart and on my mind every minute of every day. I wish you were here. I wish you were always here. I haven't forgotten one moment. I haven't stopped grieving you, I never will. I'm still so full of love for you, and grief and confusion and sadness. I still don't know how to be whole, or normal without you, I bet that never changes. I'm still your mom. I can't hold you in my arms, and that is my life's biggest tragedy, but I hold you in my heart all day, every day. You changed me. You inspire me. You made me better. Your death broke me, so God could rebuild me, changed and better. I'd give anything to have done it differently though. We're having a new baby soon. You're going to be a big brother now, and I wish with all my heart that you could be here to greet Stella and welcome her into the world. I wish I had all my babies together here on Earth, I wish I didn't have to wait for a reunion in Heaven. But I will, because you're worth it.
XO
Dear God
You give and take away. I've learned to be gratful for the gifts, I'm still struggling with how to be grateful for the ones you take back.
I'm full of fear and anxiety. You know more then anyone how I worry about loss. It keeps me up at night, the fear of losing another child. You know how nightmares of saying goodbye to another child haunt me. Aparently this fear is a lack of trust. A lack of trust in your goodness and your plans for me and my family. And aparently my anxiety over separation from my children means I'm placing them above you in my priority list. I think that's true. I'm sorry I'm not there yet. I love them that much. I know I need to trust them to you fully, like Abraham did with Isaac, I'm sorry that I can't. I trusted you once before, with my child, with my heart, and you took him. You took my son and broke my heart. I've never been the same. I've been broken ever since. And fearful. I cling to my children now for fear that one day they'll be gone. I can't handle even the thought of it.
Undoubtedly you comforted me. You picked me up and gave me comfort when I was in my deepest sorrow, and I am grateful. Without a doubt I love you and how you've changed my heart and my life. I can see how you made something good from my life's biggest tragedy. I can see how you used my pain to transform me. My son died and I survived. I survived it once. Once. But I couldn't do it again. So I fear rather then trust. I can't hold Avery and Landon and Stella up to you and say do whatever you will with them. I can't hold them up to you and say they're yours and not mine. They're mine.
I'm sorry that this means I'm doing this wrong. I'm sorry if it means I'm holding something back from you. I'm sorry if loving them with the intensity I do is sin. I hope you know I'm still a work in progess. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to give this over to you. This is my heart. You know it, you made it, I hope you'll forgive it.
XO
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A new year, and a new plan!
It seems that on the dawning of a new year, I'm always struck with a huge desire to deconstruct and reconstruct my life. I know I'm not alone in this. New beginings bring out the planner in me, they make me start dreaming of possibilities and goals, they give me hope.
This blog was born at the start of a new begining, when I was filled with hope and a desire to change and improve my life, and my marriage. This goal still remains, even though we made great changes and improvements in 2010! There's always work be to be done and more joy to be had!
This year will be a year of challenge and change for us.
We're expecting a new baby in April, we are overjoyed, and couldn't be more excited to meet this new addition. But, new baby means I'll be on maternity leave, it means living on less money, it means learning to budget, and to manage our time and money better. This year I'll have to learn to schedule and plan and organize, in order to really enjoy all the blessings God's given me, including time for my marriage, myself and my faith.
This will be a busy year for us all.
So, my goals for this new year, this exciting new begining, is to sharpen my time management abilities, by creating and actually following a schedule. I also need to learn to reign in our spending, I want to learn to craft and adhere a family budget, and I want us to have fun being frugal. I want to carve out a time each day for my faith, for reading the Bible and devotions, and for prayer, I've really slacked in this area and I know how vital it is for my spiritual health that I resume these things as soon as I can.
And of course, once our new baby arrives, I know I will be struck once more with a desire to improve myself, my health and my physical appearance. I cycle through this goal each and every year, but I don't want to talk myself into believing that because I have to do it again and again that I may as well give up, thats no attitude to have. So once our baby has arrived, I will also try and schedule in time for me and exercise and focusing on getting "me" back, to whatever degree a busy wife and mother can hope to achieve.
I hope, that I can carve out some time for blogging, because writing helps me focus and organize my thoughts, which I have always found helpful when it comes to reaching goals!
Happy New Year!
This blog was born at the start of a new begining, when I was filled with hope and a desire to change and improve my life, and my marriage. This goal still remains, even though we made great changes and improvements in 2010! There's always work be to be done and more joy to be had!
This year will be a year of challenge and change for us.
We're expecting a new baby in April, we are overjoyed, and couldn't be more excited to meet this new addition. But, new baby means I'll be on maternity leave, it means living on less money, it means learning to budget, and to manage our time and money better. This year I'll have to learn to schedule and plan and organize, in order to really enjoy all the blessings God's given me, including time for my marriage, myself and my faith.
This will be a busy year for us all.
So, my goals for this new year, this exciting new begining, is to sharpen my time management abilities, by creating and actually following a schedule. I also need to learn to reign in our spending, I want to learn to craft and adhere a family budget, and I want us to have fun being frugal. I want to carve out a time each day for my faith, for reading the Bible and devotions, and for prayer, I've really slacked in this area and I know how vital it is for my spiritual health that I resume these things as soon as I can.
And of course, once our new baby arrives, I know I will be struck once more with a desire to improve myself, my health and my physical appearance. I cycle through this goal each and every year, but I don't want to talk myself into believing that because I have to do it again and again that I may as well give up, thats no attitude to have. So once our baby has arrived, I will also try and schedule in time for me and exercise and focusing on getting "me" back, to whatever degree a busy wife and mother can hope to achieve.
I hope, that I can carve out some time for blogging, because writing helps me focus and organize my thoughts, which I have always found helpful when it comes to reaching goals!
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Its been a while......
I haven't blogged in a long time. Not that I haven't wanted to, but the weirdness of the internet got to me, it made me feel suddenly vulnerable, and it made me feel uneasy, and uncertain. I started blogging to help sort through my struggles and help me express my experiences, to both help me make sense of my world, but to help others make sense of their own, if they could in some way take something from my posts and apply it to their own lives. I started blogging for myself, but I definitely wanted to reach people, I wanted to share something with people, whatever it is I brough to the proverbial table that day. What I failed to realize, is that not all people out there reading blogs are looking to learn from others experience, not everyone is genuinely interested in the personal lives of others, not everyone is good intentioned, and when I experiened one of those "other" people, I felt stung and I wasn't certain what to do next, so I did nothing.
I've been doing nothing for a while now, and it's no more comforting then writing my blog and putting myself out there. So I want to step back in and keep writing my journey here, for me, and for those who are interested. I hope that God will lead readers here, who can benefit from my words, or at the very least, who will be sensitive to them. I hope that God will lead away those who are just out to play the Devil's advocate and be needlessly contrary.
I started this blog as a testimony, that God had swept into my life when it was in ruins and held me up while brick by brick I rebuilt what with careless ignorance we spent years tearing down. I wanted to document how new life was breathed into my home and my heart and my marriage. I had a luke warm belief in God until I experienced loss and pain so great my heart and soul called out for sanctuary, without my minds consent, and God answered, and faith came in abundance.
It's been an uphill climb to piece life back together, to salvage trust and hope and love and to nurse them from wilting to thriving once more, it's never been easy but faith and hope and trust in God has made it possible, and has helped us find light in the darkest of moments.
It's an ongoing journey, and I know we'll never reach perfection, it's not possible for us here on earth, but each new day we uncover tenderness we thought was unretrievable. We rediscover a connection we thought was forever lost. We feel something we thought we'd never feel again, and we're reminded that God is ever at work in our lives.
This is what I humbly believe, and I want to share it with those who are intersted once more.
Katie
I've been doing nothing for a while now, and it's no more comforting then writing my blog and putting myself out there. So I want to step back in and keep writing my journey here, for me, and for those who are interested. I hope that God will lead readers here, who can benefit from my words, or at the very least, who will be sensitive to them. I hope that God will lead away those who are just out to play the Devil's advocate and be needlessly contrary.
I started this blog as a testimony, that God had swept into my life when it was in ruins and held me up while brick by brick I rebuilt what with careless ignorance we spent years tearing down. I wanted to document how new life was breathed into my home and my heart and my marriage. I had a luke warm belief in God until I experienced loss and pain so great my heart and soul called out for sanctuary, without my minds consent, and God answered, and faith came in abundance.
It's been an uphill climb to piece life back together, to salvage trust and hope and love and to nurse them from wilting to thriving once more, it's never been easy but faith and hope and trust in God has made it possible, and has helped us find light in the darkest of moments.
It's an ongoing journey, and I know we'll never reach perfection, it's not possible for us here on earth, but each new day we uncover tenderness we thought was unretrievable. We rediscover a connection we thought was forever lost. We feel something we thought we'd never feel again, and we're reminded that God is ever at work in our lives.
This is what I humbly believe, and I want to share it with those who are intersted once more.
Katie
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Watching God
Tonight I'm sitting quietly by myself as the kids sleep.
Quietly except for the washing machine which is working much too loudly.
And I'm sitting here thinking how today I got to watch God work in my life.
I got to watch and wonder, what is He up to? Where is He going with all of this?
Today I watched God work, I watched pieces of His bigger plan unfold before my eyes and I wondered, what does this look like to Him, who can see past, present and future? How does this all pan out in the end?
I feel equal parts of terror and awe.
Equal parts of anxiety and calm.
God's moving and working, and I'm watching and waiting, and trying to trust His plan.
It's not easy.
But it's harder still not to imagine that He is answering prayers and righting wrongs.
It's hard not to imagine that this is God's way of granting us a "do over" of the things that have gone so awry in our lives this past year.
It's in His hands.
Those hands have worked miracles.
Katie
Quietly except for the washing machine which is working much too loudly.
And I'm sitting here thinking how today I got to watch God work in my life.
I got to watch and wonder, what is He up to? Where is He going with all of this?
Today I watched God work, I watched pieces of His bigger plan unfold before my eyes and I wondered, what does this look like to Him, who can see past, present and future? How does this all pan out in the end?
I feel equal parts of terror and awe.
Equal parts of anxiety and calm.
God's moving and working, and I'm watching and waiting, and trying to trust His plan.
It's not easy.
But it's harder still not to imagine that He is answering prayers and righting wrongs.
It's hard not to imagine that this is God's way of granting us a "do over" of the things that have gone so awry in our lives this past year.
It's in His hands.
Those hands have worked miracles.
Katie
Monday, July 26, 2010
Water water everywhere....
Last night, off a long sloping green hilly yard, in a quiet little cove off a shallow but excited lake, 24 people, men, women and children, lowered themselves into the welcoming water and one by one, crossed their arms over their chest, plugged their noses and surrendered themselves to both the arms that submerged them in, and raised them from the water and to Jesus Christ.
I was among them.
Now, generally, I'm not fond of being the center of attention, and though I was eager, and happy to be taking this step in my Christian walk, I was admittedly very nervous. That sense of anxiety increased when we arrived at the home of our hosts for the evening and I saw the crowd forming. Friends, families, church members, all walking toward the lake with lawn chairs and blankets and excited smiles. Lots of people, well over one hundred had gathered to cheer on and support the 24 of us who on this evening were pledging our obedience and love for Christ in a very outspoken and public way. I had never felt so excited and vulnerable all at once.
The setting was beautiful, the instructions were clear and the crowd was warm and encouraging. The music was inspiring and the words spoken by our pastor were both assuring and affirming. I made this decision weeks ago, and now it was finally being enacted. It was time for me to publicly declare that Jesus is my personal savior, and to testify as to why, to tell everyone who would hear my message what I had experienced that brought me to this place of complete acceptance and obedience to Him. I was willing, yes, but was I ready? Ready as I'll ever be!
On that dock, waiting their turn, stood 24 incredibly different people. Old men needing assistance into the water, making their declarations late in life, to three young siblings, the youngest being 9, coming to the realization very early. Couples. Singles. Young. Old. Men and women. Each with a powerful and touching testimony, each with a unique tale to tell about how their lives had been impacted by Jesus and the loving mercy and abundant grace of God.
I was additionally blessed that our lovely counselor who used God's word like salve to help mend our broken marriage was there and assisted our pastor in my submergence. Her presence was another reminder that God has been working in my life. He has been healing my wounds, from my broken heart after losing Everett, to my again wounded heart and pride that accompanied my marital problems. God has been by my side. Jesus has been ever with me. And simple faith (though in reality, it is never simple), and trust, and obedience to His word, has made it possible for me to survive, and indeed thrive, in spite of the struggles I have come up against in this world.
From my place on the dock, and in the water, I looked up to the crowd on the hill and just barely make out my friends from small group, and and my children, and my husband, and I knew with absolute certainty that being baptized on this night, with these people, with this pastor, in this place, was the most right decision I could make. I can't say for sure that I felt God's presence, though I am certain He was there, I can say that I felt our collective joys buzzing in the air. Appreciation and happiness and love were common threads connecting the bodies in the water as well as the ones on the hill, clapping, cheering, singing and praising God.
On my walk back from the lake to the house, soaking wet and shivering, I came upon person after person offering hugs and congrats and pats on the back. Smiles. Genuine smiles and pleasant faces paraded past me and I felt a comforting sense of belonging to this amazing community of Christ followers, and this is significant to me, who has never felt overly comfortable in any group of people, the sense of belonging has constantly alluded me.
Typically, I fear the judgment of mankind. I am afraid to be looked down on or thought badly of. Even as I stood waist high in the water with my pastor on one side and my counselor on the other, I confessed, I was still afraid to have all these eyes on me. Their words focused me to what really mattered "This is about God and you, not them", and what God thought of me, and His judgments matter most, not that I had to fear my friends on the hill, who offered up nothing but good will.
Little more then two years ago, in a state of deep despair, I cried hard over the loss of my son Everett, and then cried out to God whom I was so furious with. In my pain I accused him of being absent, or non existent, or uncaring, and turned my back on him. But He waited for me. Patiently he waited for my anger to turn to a need so deep I could not ignore it. And months of grief festered in my heart, making me inconsolable and lonely beyond belief, finding no relief on my own. One night, while home alone and in indescribable pain, remembering Everett and struggling to make sense of our loss, I called out to God for relief, and it was granted. Grace poured out over me. It did not bring Everett back. It did not un-break my heart. It did not take away the grief. But it evaporated the loneliness. It eliminated the confusion. It soothed. It calmed. It comforted where there was no comfort before.
It has been a snowball effect from then on. By our hands Christ led us to a wonderful church, and a fantastic community of believers who have helped us grow our faith. And this most recent step of being baptized is a public declaration that God is at work in me and my life, and that I am forever and eternally grateful.
I have to share these words from my favorite song sang at the baptism service:
Katie
I was among them.
Now, generally, I'm not fond of being the center of attention, and though I was eager, and happy to be taking this step in my Christian walk, I was admittedly very nervous. That sense of anxiety increased when we arrived at the home of our hosts for the evening and I saw the crowd forming. Friends, families, church members, all walking toward the lake with lawn chairs and blankets and excited smiles. Lots of people, well over one hundred had gathered to cheer on and support the 24 of us who on this evening were pledging our obedience and love for Christ in a very outspoken and public way. I had never felt so excited and vulnerable all at once.
The setting was beautiful, the instructions were clear and the crowd was warm and encouraging. The music was inspiring and the words spoken by our pastor were both assuring and affirming. I made this decision weeks ago, and now it was finally being enacted. It was time for me to publicly declare that Jesus is my personal savior, and to testify as to why, to tell everyone who would hear my message what I had experienced that brought me to this place of complete acceptance and obedience to Him. I was willing, yes, but was I ready? Ready as I'll ever be!
On that dock, waiting their turn, stood 24 incredibly different people. Old men needing assistance into the water, making their declarations late in life, to three young siblings, the youngest being 9, coming to the realization very early. Couples. Singles. Young. Old. Men and women. Each with a powerful and touching testimony, each with a unique tale to tell about how their lives had been impacted by Jesus and the loving mercy and abundant grace of God.
I was additionally blessed that our lovely counselor who used God's word like salve to help mend our broken marriage was there and assisted our pastor in my submergence. Her presence was another reminder that God has been working in my life. He has been healing my wounds, from my broken heart after losing Everett, to my again wounded heart and pride that accompanied my marital problems. God has been by my side. Jesus has been ever with me. And simple faith (though in reality, it is never simple), and trust, and obedience to His word, has made it possible for me to survive, and indeed thrive, in spite of the struggles I have come up against in this world.
From my place on the dock, and in the water, I looked up to the crowd on the hill and just barely make out my friends from small group, and and my children, and my husband, and I knew with absolute certainty that being baptized on this night, with these people, with this pastor, in this place, was the most right decision I could make. I can't say for sure that I felt God's presence, though I am certain He was there, I can say that I felt our collective joys buzzing in the air. Appreciation and happiness and love were common threads connecting the bodies in the water as well as the ones on the hill, clapping, cheering, singing and praising God.
On my walk back from the lake to the house, soaking wet and shivering, I came upon person after person offering hugs and congrats and pats on the back. Smiles. Genuine smiles and pleasant faces paraded past me and I felt a comforting sense of belonging to this amazing community of Christ followers, and this is significant to me, who has never felt overly comfortable in any group of people, the sense of belonging has constantly alluded me.
Typically, I fear the judgment of mankind. I am afraid to be looked down on or thought badly of. Even as I stood waist high in the water with my pastor on one side and my counselor on the other, I confessed, I was still afraid to have all these eyes on me. Their words focused me to what really mattered "This is about God and you, not them", and what God thought of me, and His judgments matter most, not that I had to fear my friends on the hill, who offered up nothing but good will.
Little more then two years ago, in a state of deep despair, I cried hard over the loss of my son Everett, and then cried out to God whom I was so furious with. In my pain I accused him of being absent, or non existent, or uncaring, and turned my back on him. But He waited for me. Patiently he waited for my anger to turn to a need so deep I could not ignore it. And months of grief festered in my heart, making me inconsolable and lonely beyond belief, finding no relief on my own. One night, while home alone and in indescribable pain, remembering Everett and struggling to make sense of our loss, I called out to God for relief, and it was granted. Grace poured out over me. It did not bring Everett back. It did not un-break my heart. It did not take away the grief. But it evaporated the loneliness. It eliminated the confusion. It soothed. It calmed. It comforted where there was no comfort before.
It has been a snowball effect from then on. By our hands Christ led us to a wonderful church, and a fantastic community of believers who have helped us grow our faith. And this most recent step of being baptized is a public declaration that God is at work in me and my life, and that I am forever and eternally grateful.
I have to share these words from my favorite song sang at the baptism service:
Alive in Us
I was lost, but now I'm found
Oh my God my world came crashing down
But You save
My sweet Jesus how you took my place
Please come down
We need You now
And we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us
You are faithful, You are true
Oh my God your grace came crashing through me
And You save
Your sweet Jesus how he took my place
Please come down
We need You now
And we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us
I was lost, but now I'm found
Oh my God my world came crashing down
But You save
My sweet Jesus how you took my place
Please come down
We need You now
And we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us
You are faithful, You are true
Oh my God your grace came crashing through me
And You save
Your sweet Jesus how he took my place
Please come down
We need You now
And we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us, and we sing
Halleluah
Jesus You're alive in us
Katie
