Friday, May 13, 2011


I'm very busy these days.

I didn't anticipate how much time, time for myself that is, that I would be sacrficing for my newly expanded family.

My days and nights are packed full, joyfully so, but I'm still busy and tired from it.

My days are undeniably full of joy and happiness, and the sweetness my new baby daughter Stella has brought to our family, it's fantastic, but I find myself missing my time for emotional and creative release. I miss being able to read, to write and to even think an entire thought. I never realized how important it was to me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings through writing and blogging, and since being too busy, and my arms being ever full of baby, I find my mind reeling trying to process my world and the events of my day without my most familiar and comfortable processing method, words!

But God has, quite graciously, granted me this time, right now, with three kids in bed and two hands free and a silent house all but for the dishwasher running. Here I sit at my computer screen with the delightful opportunity to spill my thoughts out and sort through them! Here I go!

Just about five weeks ago our beautiful new daughter Stella Evangeline made her arrival in this world! It was an experience that defies words. Amazing doesn't cut it. Beautiful doesn't do it justice. I just can't explain how satisfying and awe inspiring it was to deliver this amazing baby and hold her in my arms after a long and anxiety filled pregnancy. Every fear I held while pregnant with her fell away. Every worry I dwelled on evaporated on seeing sweet Stella being placed on my chest just seconds after being born. Pain was forgotten, and joy flooded the room in an instant. She's here! She's beautiful! She's healthy! God is ever faithful and so good to me! Stella is wonderfully unique, crafted to perfection by God and in trust to us, and I could not be happier or more grateful to Him for the opportunity to raise and love her.

We've exited the fear and worry zone and entered into sleepless nights and days filled with rocking and bouncing and shushing, and trying to make Avery and Landon feel loved and involved as well. It's not easy, but it's not been so bad either. Elvis has been a fantastic partner in it all, as always, and has even taken a parental leave to stay home with the kids and I, to truly enjoy this time together as a family. I'm grateful that we have this ability to be together and find our groove and I'm looking forward to what the coming weeks will hold for us in terms of growth and connecting as a family.

Now, that's the happy stuff I've been processing. I'm less excited to process and lay out the negative emotions I've been experiencing, but there are just a few I have to tackle.

Firstly, I want to snap my fingers and be 90 pounds lighter. Oh how I wish it were that simple. I've struggled with weight and self esteem my entire life it seems, it's a chronic condition for me but at the moment it is acutely flared up. I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I am ashamed of how I let myself fall apart. People tend to prickle when I use the word shame, like I should never be ashamed of myself in regards to my appearance, but I assure you I have plently of self love, but I do not have to love being overweight. I do not have to rejoice in the parts of me that are out of control. God wants me to be self controlled, gluttony is a sin, and I am quite guilty. To embrace over eating and laziness would be unhealthy and un-Godly, I think my shame is justified. I burried myself in weight, I've drowned emotions in food, I've spent days hidden away from the world instead of being out enjoying it. I've become unrecognizable and uncomfortable and I am desperate for change while being totally unsure of how to make it happen. Sure I've got motivation, and goals, I've got inspiration out the wahzoo! I want to be healthier, I want to live longer, I want to feel younger, I want to look better, I want nicer clothes that seem to be only available to the slender set. And mostly, I want to be desirable to my husband. Feminists across the world just cringed. But it's true. I want him to want me. I want him to like what he sees when he looks at me. I want him to feel a combination of desire and pride and protectiveness. I want to be the object of his affections. He loves me, but I am not the woman I was when he fell in love with me, not even close. I want to give him back the old me, well a version of the old me, slightly older, slightly wiser, and slightly more tired, but slim, attractive, healthy, energetic, fun and motivated. We both deserve to have her back.

But I struggle so hard with this. I flounder and flop and struggle. I don't understand it. I don't like it, and I feel weak in admitting that my eating issues seem so much bigger then me. It's on my agenda, I've got it on my radar, but I have no confidence that I can do it, I'm working on that.

This brings me to my marriage, which will forever be on my radar, and always on my agenda. It's not something I can afford to ever get complacent on. I've learned over the past years, that when it comes to marriage, you must never ever let your guard down, you can't ever just coast through, you need to be aware and engaged at all times. So we're at a place of transition, with a new baby and the joys and worries that come along with and I can sense a strain, which makes me fearful and anxious, but I am so grateful that God has already showed us what to do and how to do it and he's placed well appreciated resources in our lives to help us stay on top of things. I'm taking all spare moments in my day to focus on my marriage and the needs of my husband so we don't suffer a backslide, so we don't let anything wilt, and so nothing becomes a wedge between us in this time where our attentions are so divided. God put a hedge around us please and help bring us together when the pressures and stresses of the world would have us pulled apart. I'm learning so much about what a husband needs and what God requires of me as a wife, it's enlightening and I am eager to take what I have learned and put it to practice!

So there you have it, what's been on my mind for far too long. It feels so good to spill it out, however incoherant it may have been. I feel so blessed while also feeling so lost at times. I'm fearful still, and lonesome often, though I nearly never alone. I am emotional and undisciplined at times. I've fallen of the wagon more times then I can count, in my goals for my marriage, my weight and my blogging. I'm back on now, for now. I'm perfectly imperfect and begining to accept that, as well as the imperfections in those around me. And I am both excited and nervous when thinking about the months to come and the changes I hope to make as well as the ones I hope to avoid.

I'm hoping to become healthier, more outgoing and more vibrant. I'm hoping to fall in love with my husband all over again and for him to do the same, and for us to maintain it. I'm hoping to cherish every moment with my children and to be a mother worthy of the blessings they are. I'm hoping to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother and as a Christian. I'm hoping to change for good.

And only time will tell.

As it stands, God has blessed me. His love has been poured out on my family and my cup runneth over.

He is so good to me.



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