Sunday, July 11, 2010

Bad dreams.....

Last night I had a nightmare, I dreamed my world crumbled down around me and my heart was broken.

I woke up panicked and upset, and quickly realized, it was just a dream.

But I couldn't stop thinking about it, and how last night it was just a dream, but in the not so distant past, it was real. The heart break and the panic and the world in shambles, was intensely and painfully real.

And now I am prone to nightmares.

And fear.

And insecurity.

And jealousy.

And hatred.

And feeling a sense of inadequacy I didn't feel before.

And I'm wondering what lesson God has built in to all of this, and when I will learn it. When will the hurt cease to be hurt for hurt sake and start to be instructional or something to build on.

When will the bad dreams stop and when will confidence and security return?

I hope it's soon.

I want to be something more then healing.

I want to be something more then broken but patched, or torn but repaired.

I want to be whole and healthy, thriving even.

I want to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I want to trust.

Maybe that's the lesson, maybe I need to trust more, in God that is, and do His will which I already understand, and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, or my world to crumble around me.

Maybe that's it?

1 Peter 5:7 says, Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you

Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Psalm 34:4 says, I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

Perhaps it is my lack of trust in that God is taking care of me, and my family, and my marriage, and that He is also holding accountable people who are responsible for plotting against me and my marriage, and that I do not need to fear that is giving me nightmares and causing me stress?

Definitely something I need to think on and pray about.



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