Thursday, May 13, 2010

It's quiet....

My house is absolutely silent right now.

Just the sound of an occasional car driving past, and the hum of some appliances.

Other then that, silent.

Elvis is working, Avery's at school, the dog's in her crate, and Landon's taking a nap.

And I am sitting at the computer in awe of the silence, and of the time I have to myself, but not at all sure what to do with it. It's the age old problem, so little time to myself, and such a long list of things I could do with said time. I really struggle with productivity. In theory, I want to be productive, I want to pack as many useful tasks as possible into my day, but when time like this pops up, when I have time for me and the rare opportunity to hear myself think, I want that time for me!

I can do laundry and dishes and get dinner started when there are kids tugging on my pant leg and yelling in the background, I do it all the time! But what I can't do with two rowdy children and yappy dog running around is think, or read, or relax, or pray, these are things that require silence, the very silence I am experiencing right now.

I've been thinking about my life, and the rebuild I started a little over five months ago. Things are for the most part coming along quite nicely. But, some areas that I was hopeful to jump in and dramatically change, are taking longer then I would like. Weight loss is one of those areas. I'm not sure how to get this area of my rebuild rolling, I feel like I've tried everything, except for actually trying, I just can't get my head in the game, but I'm keeping at it and hoping eventually the deduction will stick.

But, other areas are doing great, I feel different. I feel better about me, and the image I am projecting to the world. I feel like I've redefined me, and given me a "look", a more put together and polished one then I had before. I feel my marriage is continuing to grow and strengthen as is my relationship with God, and I am feeling more secure then I have in a very long time.

But, I'm also feeling spread too thin. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at times with all the "little things"I'm trying to keep tabs on, and blogging is one of those things. I love it because it's for me and it's a fantastic outlet, but I find myself sitting here at the computer writing, trying to find the right words to say what I'm feeling or experiencing, and I'm battling the frustration rising within me, and fighting off the urge to close down the whole darn internet and erase my whole post, because it feels insufficient, or inadequate, I feel like I have a bad case of writers blog, and I need to work on that as well.

On a brighter note, my children are fantastic and shine their amazing bright light into every dark corner of my day. My daughter is such a little me, she's truly paying attention to everything I say to her, and I'm starting to get some of it back now. She's started to tell me "Mommy, I love you" and "Mommy I think you're beautiful" and "Mommy I think you're special", because these are things I tell her on a daily basis. And I LOVE that she is considerate enough to tell these things to me, because she already knows how good it feels to hear them. And my boy, oh my boy! He's talking up a storm these days and I'm just so thrilled watching him transition from baby to real kid! Of course it's bittersweet, but he's going to be one precious, special kid!

Another reason to smile has popped up too! A chance to get away, just Elvis and I, has arose and I so hope we get to take that trip and get some much needed time alone together!

So, that's it for now, the silence has been broken, baby boy is up from his nap, my "me time" is now his time!



Rachel said...

Oh, how I can relate to the analogy of feeling like you're spread to thin.

Despite you agonizing over words, I wanted you to know that I was very blessed by your blog.


Katie said...

Well thank you so much Rachel :)

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