Sunday, May 30, 2010

One burned, twice shy....

It's hard, once you've been burned, to trust that you won't be burned again. Before speculation begins, I'm not talking talking of marriage, but of other matters all together. But it's true, once you've seen the worst case scenario, or worse still, been the worst case scenario, it's hard to envision yourself as anything else, even if you've had better outcomes before.

So the past few days I've been quiet here on my blog, doing most of my processing internally for now. My marriage is doing well, my children are healthy, the future is bright, all is seemingly quite well in our worlds, and I am pleased. Very pleased.

And still I find myself standing on the brink of something exciting, the future and it's endless possibilities, and I am undeniably afraid. I'm afraid to charge into the future with trust and excitement and hope, because I've learned the hard way, that sometimes, that trust is broken, the excitement is unwarranted, and hope can die. But do I want to live this way? With cynism dictating whether or not I'll take joy in joyful things? Of course not!

I want to renew my innocence. I want to be naive again. I want to trust blindly.

So today I went searching for hope in the book of Isaiah, and of course God's word never disappoints.

Isaiah 40:31
31 but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 41:10
10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:13
13 For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

Isaiah 44:3-4

For I will pour water on the thirsty land,

and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.

4 They will spring up like grass in a meadow,
like poplar trees by flowing streams.

I am particularly comforted by this, it's worth repeating:
Isaiah 41:13
13 For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

He will help us. Do not fear.

So, here I am, standing on the edge of life as it is, and facing life as it will be. Just like you, I have no idea what my future holds. It is certain that it holds both joy and sorrow, but what concerns me most is how much tragedy it holds. How much loss it holds. Because sorrow I can handle, sorrow comes from expected pain, natural pain, anticipated pain. Pain none the less, but easier to cope with then the pain of tragedy, unnatural loss, unexpected, bizarre, earth shattering sadness.

The future is coming.

It's practically here, and worrying won't do a single thing. It wont ensure joy anymore then it will deter tragedy.

Matthew 6:27 says:
27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?

So, I'm trying my hardest to suppress fear and apprehension, and embrace the life I've been given. I'm trying to watch it unfold day by day with joy and gratitude. I'm trying to trust that the hardships and triumphs are not accidents but part of God's greater plan for me and my family, and I am trying to relish the blessings I've been entrusted with. And it's not easy. But it's better then the alternative, wresting each day with anxiety and dwelling on all the potential ugliness life could bring my way.

Like so many things that aren't easy, it's rewarding in the end.

“When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly” – Patrick Overton



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