That doesn't sound quite right.
What I mean is, I'm here, sitting at my computer, with something weighing on my mind, with something needing to be said, but my head hurts, the house is too quiet, I have to make Avery's lunch still, I have laundry to get to, and I want to have a bath and read before bed and it's already 9pm....
Time's a tickin'
Time's a wastin'
So, I'm blogging, even though my attention is being called other places, because I need to more then I want to.
I started this blog to keep me on track and accountable during some big life changes I am making personally, and we are making as a family. But, I am quite easily distracted, and sometimes I forget that this blog has a purpose beyond my own creative expression.
I need it.
I need it to remind me of my goals, the small ones and the big ones.
I need it to keep me sharp and on my toes, and most importantly, I need it to keep me accountable.
I need it to ensure I actually strive towards my goals, and hopefully meet some of them!
I think I talked, at least briefly, about how my belief in God, which has been gradually growing over the past few years, introduced me to the concept that Satan was indeed as real as God is. That belief was a hard one to adapt, somehow believing in God comes naturally, even in a world that thinks you're crazy for placing faith in something you can't see, but believing in his nemesis is somewhat "crazier" if you will. But, realistically, if God exists and is rallying for good and for our salvation, then it's not unreasonable to believe that Satan exists and is working and rallying for our downfall, right? Right (I think).
Anyway, my belief in God is solid, and I'm wrapping my head around the reality that Satan is invested in tearing down what God builds up. I'm getting used to the concept that the stronger and more vocal we become with our faith in God and our hope in Jesus, the more of interest we become to Satan. Non believers are of no threat to Satan's work, maybe in some instances, they help him achieve his goals. But, believers, those growing in faith and doing God's work and being vocal to others about their beliefs, they become somewhat of an annoyance to Satan, suddenly you're on his radar, and then he feels the need to intervene. This is, at least, how it has been explained to me, and I find it logical, and a little frightening.
So, if I'm growing in faith, which I am, and I am becoming more vocal, which I am, and I am working with God to build things up (which I am, haha), then is Satan now much more aware of me then he was about 2.5 years ago when I was just a "surface believer", a "ye of little faith"? Maybe. Maybe that would explain the sudden feeling of being torn down, I feel a destructive force moving through my life, and it is unsettling to say the least. I can't explain it, but I feel a "tearing down," a real negativity in my home and in my relationships, and I don't like it!
Then I read a very interesting scripture verse, where Jesus explains to Simon (aka Peter) that Satan wants to "Sift you like wheat" and that resonated with me, deeply. Is this a test now? Where we've build so much up, where my faith has grown to the degree where I can declare myself Christan and prepare for a public baptism, where I have declared my Christian marriage counseling successful and my broken marriage healed, Satan is now testing the validity off all of those accomplishments? Is Satan trying to poke holes in my success? Is he shaking my foundation to see if it is as sturdy as I say it is? Will I revert to old ways with a little pressure? Will I give and cry "uncle" with a little testing and a little pain? Hmmmmmm, interesting concept. And if we're talking the Bible, and Christianity (which we are), then it's a reasonable assumption.
It's also been introduced to me, the idea that Satan is limited. Unlike God, he can't be more then one place at one time, and he doesn't know our hearts, or our thoughts, that is to our benefit for sure. But, I have been told, that Satan has been observing people and sin for as long as there have been people, and sin, so he's pretty good at reading our faces and actions (and body language). So, our scowls and crossed arms and big huffy sighs, indicate that there's a crack by which he could get in and do some damage with in our relationships. It's also been told to me (by varying sources), that Satan uses people, like puppets, to do his work when he's bitten off more then he can chew, and that he uses mostly normal people in our lives or on our paths to trip us up and facilitate break down in his desired areas of destruction. These people, unbeknown to themselves, become little minions, or as they sometimes call themselves, unaware of the powerful meaning behind the seemingly benign tag "Devils Advocates." They get in there and they meddle and gossip and give "advice" and they "advocate" and they seem perfectly harmless, all the while they're introducing a toxin, they become a weed in your garden.
Now, all this rambling is leading some place, I promise, but seeing that this devil concept is relatively new to me, I'm still working it out in my mind as I type this, bear with me.
I've invited God into my life, and I've asked him to help me fix what I've spent years breaking.
I've asked him to teach me new ways to work my life, my parenting and my marriage, because my ways weren't working all that well.
I've partnered with Him, with my church, with my small group, with my counselor and with my husband to create a new life built on the truth and promises of Christ, and it feels fantastic. It's brought a sense of freedom and hope and insight that my life truly lacked before. Life isn't easier now, but the path, even when it's dark and winding and a little scary, is illuminated with His light.
So, here's me and God walking along doing good things in my world. Here's me telling the world that I love God and I follow Jesus, and that Christian marriage counseling works wonders, and that I'm getting baptized and life is great. And then suddenly, I'm a blip on Satan's radar.
Maybe, just hypothesizing here, maybe Satan leans back in his chair and thinks to himself, "Oh yeah Katie? You think so do you? You think your faith is so solid? You think you've solved your problems with God?" Maybe he's all smug like a mafia Don sort of vibe to him ;) And maybe he thinks "Lets just see about that!"
So, here I am going along all nicey nice with my Bible at my beside table and Church on Sundays, small group every other Tuesday and this blog to spread the news that I'm growing and learning, and Satan comes along and gives me a little shove, and I trip. I stumble and fall because of Satans influence. Maybe I tripped over anger. Or jealousy. Or bitterness. Or hate. Maybe an issue I thought was dead and buried has worked it's way back to the surface. And Satan sits back and waits with baited breath, and he's watching to see what I do next.
Now, we can stop being all hypothetical and narrative here, this is all real, it's actually happening. I felt that shove! I actually tripped and stumbled over issues I thought were dealt with. And I also tripped over my anger, jealousy, bitterness and hatred. I'm human! My ugly human emotions and sin are all still present, the difference now that I follow Jesus, is what do I do with them. And what I think Satan would be wondering, if this little narrative continued, is what will I do? Will I lash out? Will I retaliate? Will I gossip? Will I argue? Will I punish? Will I forget everything I learned in weeks of marriage counseling and in half a dozen Christian marriage books? Will I sin and sin and sin to avenge my rights and my entitlements and my heart? Well, will I?
Good thing about this scenario, is that it is literally playing out as we speak, so the decision is in play, I can make it go either way. And the good thing about this blog, is that it has a fantastic way of focusing me, helping me get to the root of the problems and really envision what's going down in my life. This real time play-by-play is helping me gain clarity, and it's helping me plan out my next move against my opposition (we have clearly laid out who that is by now right?).
There's a weed in my garden.
There's a puppet in our midst.
Seriously, there's a meddler, a trouble maker, a little seemingly benign pest in my Eden! But what can I do? This interference is bringing out all the worst in me, and clearly this "pest" is a vehicle for destruction, threatening to tear down what God and I and Elvis have been so tenderly and carefully building up the past five months.
Trust me, I want to revert, I want to become all kinds of ugly and sinful and hateful. I want to retaliate, and defend and get all huffy and defensive. I want to gossip! I want to gossip SOOOOOO bad.
But I wont.
Know what I am going to do?
What I have to do?
Pray.
That's it.
Well, pray, and trust.
Sounds absolutely terrifying doesn't it.
There's a weed in my garden!!!
A predator on the loose!
I should be reacting with five alarms, call in the army, claws out reacting!
Nope.
That's not what we do.
That's not what I have been taught in my Christian schooling I have been receiving these past few years.
That's not what God wants from me now.
He and I, and Elvis, we've partnered together to rebuild our broken lives. We've hashed it out, we've laid it all on the table, we've squared it all away and we've rebuilt. We built a new fresh life on God's solid rock of truth, and it's good. It's sturdy. We invited him in to our hearts, our lives and our marriage, and He's there in all of it.
My "house" is built on Him.
My marriage and heart are filled with Him.
I know the truth.
I'm following the way.
What God has joined together, no man (or woman) can tear apart.
We are three strands of strength, unbreakable.
That fear?
That panic?
That doubt?
That worry?
They aren't from God. God wants me to trust that He's in this. He's got this. He's got our backs and our hearts. We can trust in Him.
Those negative, self destructive emotions? They're the poke from Satan. They are his tests and his temptations. Think you're so good Katie? Well here, feel some doubt! Feel some fear? How do you like that? Don't you want to panic and lash out? I know you do!
Nope.
I'm going to pray. Pray that God helps me keep a level head and helps me keep His teachings at the front of my mind. I'm going to pray that what God has built up in us and in me is fortified and stronger then any external wrecking balls that may come our way. And then I'm going to trust. And keep doing what we've been doing this past five months.
Brick by brick we're building a new "house."
Brick by brick we're rebuilding a life, based on new things, exciting and hopeful God filled things.
I won't take down even one of those bricks at the temptation of Satan, or a minion of his.
I won't be tricked into kicking over a wall we just built out of anger.
I won't cut down God's hedge of protection over jealousy.
Not me!
If any one of you lovely readers made it to the end of this, thank you. Thank you for enduring this painfully long rambling, while I sorted through my current issue and devised my plan of attack. If its completely inane, or totally nonsensical, or just too out there for you, lets blame it on my five day headache and the resulting sleeplessness shall we?
Katie
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