Sunday, April 18, 2010


I made a big one!

One more step in my faith walk. A BIG step in my faith walk.

I'm excited, and nervous, and characteristically afraid of what others will think (that's SO the old me, not the new me I am trying to be).

It's been on my mind for a while. It's been popping up in conversations. It's been calling to me, and today, I finalized my choice, submitted and sent my request.

This summer I am going to be baptized!

Not the kind of baptism we had as kids, not a sprinkle of water, or oil, but a total immersion, in front of a lot of people, video taped for all to see baptism. BIG DEAL.

That sounds strange. It looks strange to see typed out too.

But it's true, and it's exciting and it makes me feel really happy.

This summer I'm going to make a public declaration of a change that happened privately nearly two years ago. I'm actually quite late in making this declaration, but better late then never.

I'm nervous though, because until I started attending our church regularly, I hadn't really heard about adult baptism, and I'm sure a lot of my friends and family haven't either. I assure you, it's common, and it's expected of those who follow Jesus. But, I'm nervous, because no one I know aside from my friends at church, have been baptized as adults, and even though you know it's right and even though you're excited about it, it feels odd, to be the odd one out in your personal community. I am, and always have been so worried about what people think of me, I'm deeply self conscious, nearly crippled by it at times, so to do this, to step forward and do something this open, and this different from what I've always known, it's a big deal.

But then again, it IS a big deal!

What I need to remind myself is that I'm not changing suddenly with my baptism, that changed happened already, in my bathroom, nearly two years ago when I was feeling grief so intense it brought me to my knees, and while I was there, I prayed, and immediately, I was changed. So, this isn't something new, this isn't coming out of left field. And my friends and my family know I am a Christan, they know I believe in God and Jesus and the good that faith has done in my life, in my healing process, and in my marriage. They KNOW it, but why do I feel like it's such a big and scary thing to really show it? I've got to shake that attitude off!

It's good. It's so good, to finally tell everyone that Jesus has saved me, truly, from the depths of my hurt, from an undefined but hollow loneliness, and from hopelessness. And my faith brought with it a promise of a reunion, a heavenly reunion with Everett, and an eternity with God, it's good. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm a better work in progress because I'm working towards better things. It's all good! So I've got to stop worrying about what others will feel about it.

So, this summer, I'm getting baptized, showing my obedience and doing what God calls us to do. Jesus did it, so will I. I'm excited, and scared, and curious, but mostly happy, to be in a place in my life where I can openly declare that God is good, and that I have trust and faith in Him and His work. Not too long ago, this wasn't the case. I'm happy to be in a place where I have scrounged up enough confidence to do something that feels a little scary, because my beliefs are bigger then my fears.

Seems I am growing and changing, I just hadn't noticed quite yet.



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