Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I need an attitude adjustment.....

And fast!

I need to check this disgruntled, dissatisfied, wanting attitude at the door. It's bringing me down.

I've been wallowing lately in my desire to have another baby. I've been so fixated on my fears and anxieties over this want never coming true that it's been robbing me of the joys available right now, today. I'll admit, I'm still concerned, I still really feel called to have another baby, and admittedly, if I could, I'd have that baby right now. But, since I can't have a baby right now, since the decision is not mine alone, and since I haven't convinced Elvis that it's a good idea, I have to wait. And while I wait I have to trust, er, well I guess I don't HAVE to trust, but it really does help.

I want to give this concern up to God and trust that he knows how much I want this. I want to trust in God's abilities to know and change our hearts in accordance to His will. I want to trust that giving this issue up to God does not mean that I give up on achieving it, but rather I let Him worry about the timing and I can just go on focusing on the beautiful children he's already blessed me with, and the joys available to me every day.

I feel awful that I've been stewing and sulking over this. I feel ashamed of how short tempered and irritable I've been (though I can blame a very temporary hormonal imbalance for that I think, at least partially). But still, God calls us to be joyful in all things, and to be grateful, and loving and I haven't been.

I've been fearful, and resentful, and anxious and depressed and it has robbed the light and joy from too many days. So, starting right now, or maybe when my hormones settle, I'm giving myself an attitude check.

God is good and trustworthy.

He loves me and has my best interests at heart.

He knows my inner most desires, he knows my wants before I ask for them.

He is faithful.

And I will keep this in mind, Matthew 6:27:
And who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And this, Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.

Katie

1 comments:

The Family Stone said...

Katie, I know exactly how you are feeling. I felt the same way when we were trying (for 3.5 years) to get pregnant with Hannah. My prayers were fervently for God to give me a baby at first, but soon changed. I asked God to change my heart, my desire...to take the yearning away if He wasn't going to give us a child. I felt peace after doing that for a while, and it didn't seem so urgent. I hope you find your peace!

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