Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I am a sparrow.........

When I started my grief blog, I had a piece of scripture in my head, just bouncing around in there, causing me to ponder God's love for us. The more I thought it over the more I liked the concept, and the more comfort it brought me in the midst of the hardest time of my life. Immediately after Everett's death, I turned my back on God, because I reasoned, he let my baby die. Either he could help but didn't, or couldn't help at all, and either way I figured, I could do just as well without Him. And I walked away. It didn't take too long for God to call me back though, I heard Him faintly, in the back of my mind, and stubbornly tried to ignore him (imagine me with my fingers in my ears here, chanting "lalalala", trying to drown out the voice of God!), I was mad after all, God had failed us. But the whispers persisted, and my need for comfort and solace grew stronger and stronger each day. Each day I stood with my back to God, my grief and my pain grew heavier and heavier, as I was carrying it alone. And one day, I gave in, I gave up my efforts to ignore God, and finally let him do what he was always trying to do, comfort me (imagine me turning to God and saying "Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, what can YOU do for me now", so childish). But as soon as I stopped trying to shut Him out, He showed me exactly what he can do for me.

Quite suddenly I wasn't carrying my burdens alone. Finally I could breath, my wounds were soothed and my heart was calmed and I could grieve but with less despair, and less pain. And I didn't need to be told who I had to thank.

And this piece of scripture I was bouncing around in my mind was Matthew 10:29.

29 What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coins? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it

Not a single sparrow can fall from the sky, without God knowing it. He notices our falls even more so then the sparrow's. He notices and he cares. Nothing happens to us without Gods notice, or his will, we are forever in his care. So this little verse started my grief blog, and was a big boost to my small but growing faith. Its comforting to know that even when we're fallen, which is pretty much all the time it seems, we're not alone, God knows, he saw it happen, and he cares, and he's there to help with the aftermath, and to help carry the burden, and I can honestly say that the comfort was much needed and much welcomed when Everett died, and again during my miscarriage and my separation from Elvis, and its pretty great to know that it'll be there again during the next crisis (and that its also there during the day to day frustrations).

So here, on the dawning of a brand new year, a big blank slate, full of all sorts of unknowns, I'm thinking about myself as a sparrow. Fallen. Feathers ruffled, wings broken (but healing), eyes on the skies, and giving serious thought to trying to take flight again. After all, we all fall, and we all struggle with the healing and getting back up again, but there comes a time when you have to make the choice, to stay down and be defeated, or to try to fly again. Its not easy. Sometimes it hurts (our tiny wings are broken after all!), and sometimes, its absolutely impossible to get air born again from where we are, its just not possible, and that's because we NEED God. We need him to pick us up from the ground and place us back in the tree we fell from, so that we're actually in a position to take flight when we're healed enough to do so. Pardon all the bird metaphors (I really am quite taken with them these days), but what I'm trying to say, is I have realized after three big life upsets, that it is possible to recover and keep living, but I can honestly say it couldn't have been done without me first being willing to accept God's great comfort and help. Sure, I'd still be alive, but would I really be living? I doubt it.

But here I am now, poised to fly again, creating a brand new, exciting and love filled life, with the amazing help of a God who brings me infinite hope and comfort.

Here's to the happiest new year!



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