Monday, December 21, 2009

It isn't easy...........

Life that is.

It isn't easy.

Each and every day seems like a lottery. When you wake up and throw your feet out of bed, and make your way from the security of your warm little bedroom out into the day, you really never know what you're going to get. Some days we happily make it through without any event worth noting, good or bad, and some days we feel like we hit the jack pot because our day was filled with unanticipated joy and surprise. And, then there are days when everything goes wrong and you wonder how on earth you found yourself in such a predicament, and you wish you could just rewind life by 10 seconds, or five minutes, or just one day, so you could go back and undo what was done, or not do what you did, or not say what you said, that changed the course of your day and made you feel lost or hopeless or in despair.

I've had days like that. A lot of days like that. And so have you I am sure.

Bad, bad days you never saw coming.

Events that hit you out of nowhere like a Mack truck.

They can really send you reeling, and make life cease to make any sort of sense.

One day I had two perfectly healthy babies, and the next day one had a serious heart defect that modern medicine was powerless to cure.

One day my marriage was strong and the next it was broken.

One day the pregnancy test was fainter then the day before.

One miscalculation in the parking lot caused the insurance rates to rise.

One misspoken word caused a rift between friends.

One misunderstanding tore a family apart.

These things happen. They happen to us all. They are like rocks in the road and every now and then we don't see them there and we trip and we fall, and we cry, and sit there, afraid of what happens next. These stumbling moments disable us with fear, its the most dangerous part of falling, not wanting to get back up.

We're afraid to get back behind the wheel again, afraid we can't be trusted.

Afraid to love again, afraid they can't be trusted.

We're afraid to have more babies, afraid to lose them, or afraid not NOT have more babies, afraid to never know that joy again.

We're afraid to speak and cause falling outs.

Afraid to risk.

Afraid to lose.

Afraid to make mistakes.

Afraid to mess up.

Afraid to alter the course of our lives.

Afraid to alter the course of others lives.

Afraid to get out there.

Afraid to be still.

Afraid to live.

Afraid to hope.

Afraid to trust.

How fearful are we? Lets face it, humanity as a group is a pretty fretful bunch, it's one of those common threads that connects us all. We're all afraid because we want to be in control, some on smaller, or grander scales, but we know deep down we can't be.

We're not in control, and never have we ever been in control, of our lives, or of those of others.

Scary! Doesn't that mean that just about anything could happen to us and we're powerless to stop it? It absolutely does. My heart races just thinking about it. And before I really solidified my belief in Christ, and before I started going to church and got to hear God's plans for us, and his promises, and how he actually worked in our lives, I would have been panic stricken at the thought of giving up control over my life and surrendering it to a higher power. No way, no how.

But knowing know, what I didn't know then, I can do just that, with pleasure.

And bad things will still happen. Its the most inevitable side effect of living a human life, aside from death. People will die, and life will get hard, and you are not in control, so stop trying to be. And relax!

And I know that some of you are wondering, if God is in control, then why do bad things happen at all? I asked this myself after Everett died, and our church addressed this topic at a very timely moment for us, when we were perfectly ready it hear it and absorb it. Its hard to explain, and understand that I am very new to this walk and am still making sense of it all myself, as best I can. But from what I gather, this is true: God uses all things in our lives for good. All things. He takes our bad things and he uses them for good, if we trust Him.


Big bite to chew there right? I've blogged about this in my grief blog (where I talk about all things Everett and loss), and I've puzzled over this little verse myself. God used the death of my son for good? For real? I'm supposed to believe THAT? Yep. Believe it. What helps make this more digestible is to remember that God doesn't rejoice in your hardships or your tough times, they hurt Him because they hurt us, if we weep, He weeps, but he recovers from this much quicker then us, because He is in control and He has a plan to make something good from the wreckage. If you're comfortable enough to take my word for it, then I will be happy to assure you, that God did so many good things with Everett's existence, and from the hurt and despair we felt from losing him.

Everett's life has touched so many people, near and far.

His struggle touched hearts.

Our struggle touched hearts.

We showed a lot of people that you won't die from a broken heart.

We showed people you can find faith in the aftermath of your life falling to pieces.

We've raised money in Everett's honor.

We have aspirations to do it again.

We have softer hearts.

We love our other children stronger and deeper then ever before.

We value life more, and the time we share, we know how precious and limited it is.

We have deeper understanding of how resilient we are.

We know God's love.

We trust God's will.

We know we're not in control, and the blessing in that is that we can stop struggling and fighting and straining to hold control, and hand the reins over to Him, and just trust.

Life is hard! It is. But one of the most fantastic things I have experienced since deciding to live a Christian life and to be a true Christ follower, is that trusting in God and relinquishing control over all things, big and small, feels so good.

I love how The Message translates John 14:1

"1 “Don’t let this throw you. You trust God, don’t you? Trust me."

Don't let this throw you. Sums it up just about perfectly. Don't let the rocks and potholes of life throw you. Trust God, trust that He will do good with it, and keep on living.



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