One more thing....

I know I said I felt too sick to be blogging tonight, but what do I know? I've been inspired by scripture, lots of scripture, and I think I just need to go with it!

There's one piece of scripture I have a love/hate relationship with.

I used to hate it. I was repelled by it. But now I find myself repeating it in my head over and over throughout the day. It comforts me.

When Everett died and we sat down with the minister to talk about his service, we were not Christians. We believed in God until Everett had died, but only superficially, and since his passing, that belief had diminished some, and a lot of anger had surfaced. So, when she asked us about the 23rd Psalm, and if we wanted it read at his service, I provided a firm NO as my answer.

I think it was the line, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" that put me off. It was morbid, it was sad, and in my head it was about my baby, and I hated it. And it was not read at his funeral.

But since then, I've heard it over and over, and I've heard it explained, and my understanding of its meaning has increased, and like so many things, its less upsetting when you understand it.

Psalm 23

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

I can't count how many times a day I think "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, " and usually I think this in a spirit of gratitude. God leads me, and cares for me, and comforts me, even in the presence of evil, and in death. He prepares me to face my enemies, and my cup overflows with his blessings. And goodness and love follow me all the days of my life.

I cannot understand why I found this verse to be so off putting before. Its a lovely promise of God's to love and care for us, in all circumstances, and in all circumstances we are to be grateful and faithful to Him.

I didn't realize it while planning my sons funeral, that I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death. I WAS. Not Everett. The Psalm was not about him but about me. And as I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I was angry and frightened and bitter and did not understand that God was there with me leading me through it. I rejected His comfort but He stood near, gently offering it again and again until I was broken and weak (from my own stubbornness) that I could accept it. And now He is with me, He leads me, He comforts me, and His goodness and love are with me all the days of my life. The good ones and the bad ones.

I am grateful for His patience, that He waited for me. That His love and comfort were not one time offers but standing ones, that I could accept when ready.

Katie