Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Something I need to work on......

.....Being happy when someone else gets what I wanted.

I'm not talking petty jealousy.

I'm not talking about coveting belongings, or money.

I'm talking about twins.

Something I'm supposed to have but don't.

Something I want more then words can explain.


My twins, together, happy and healthy.

I'm getting considerably better at dealing with the news that someone I know is expecting twins, but it still feels like something I need to cope with, or brace for, it's not something that I handle with grace yet. I need to work on that.

Several ladies I know have had twins since Everett died, and if you could see how I process and handle the news that someone else is getting what I used to have, you'd see how much I've improved over time.

I used to be bitter and angry.

I used to ignore and pretend that twins just didn't exist.

My inner sadness and grief really manifested into some emotional ugliness that I'm not at all proud of, but it's real and it's a part of my journey.

And some of those women that were having twins after me, had losses, sad and tragic losses, and I was able to switch from feeling overwhelming jealousy to overwhelming sympathy for them, and I took a step in the right direction, away from envy and towards acceptance, acceptance of the things that I cannot change and do not understand. There are many.

Now it seems that my eyes are open more to the instances of twins, and they seem to happen all the time, everywhere I look. Very wonderful friends of mine have had, or our having twins, and because I love these ladies, and because no one deserves a baby, or babies, more then they do, I'm trying to bury the ugly in me, and be nothing but happy for them, and do nothing but thank God for blessing them so richly. God's chosen them to have twins, like he chose me, and it's not for me to understand why my twin experience was so brief and so dramatic, but if I'm to be obedient, and a good Christian, then I need to simply accept that God's will is absolute and perfect and His grace is sufficient for me.

Being jealous implies that I am not satisfied with what God gave me, and I don't want to be ungrateful.

But its hard, its so hard to suffer over my own loss and be happy for someone else.

The apostle Paul understood suffering, he pleaded with God to take his suffering away, and God said no, because God can use our suffering to complete His will, as said here in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9:

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

His grace is sufficient for me, it's all I need, and His power is made perfect in my weakness. So, this is why I'm explaining my battle with envy and bitterness, it's a daily battle, but God's power is made perfect in my pain. He's using it. He grows my character, He increases my capacity to celebrate the joys of others, He strengthens me, and He heals me, everytime I suffer over the loss of Everett, He does something good for me.

So, if I ever made you feel I was less then happy over your good news, if you're one of the lovely ladies that had a beautiful set of twins and I didn't rejoice with you accordingly, I'm sorry, and I'm learning to deal with my own personal ugliness, and jealously is just one area of that struggle.



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