Friday, March 12, 2010

This post may break your heart, be warned.....

*WARNING* This is one of those posts, where I start out with nothing in particular to say, and I just let my mind wander where it will. Tonight I started out with noting to say, but my mind took me down a very sad path and I fell into some unexpected grieving. These things happen. What I've posted is nothing new. The emotions have all been felt and expressed before. But, I did post a picture of Everett after death. It's not graphic, you may not even know it if I didn't tell you. But consider yourself warned. If you don't want to see it. If it will upset you, or cause you pain, don't read on.
I want to have something profound, or relevant to say tonight. But I don't.

It's 7:26pm. Elvis has gone to work. The kids are in bed, and the puppy's napping.

The TV's muted and I have some music on. I'm sitting here at the computer willing words and feelings to come out, but I'm struggling. Something's stirring inside my heart, or mind, something that definitely needs to be expressed, but I can't quite nail down what I'm feeling well enough to articulate it.

I started my morning off wrong today, with a dream about Everett that seeped into the day. Though it's a gift to see him in my dreams, the way the dream haunts me through my day is a side effect I could do without. It leaves me saddened and fixated on my grief and the dream and how I wished it was reality.

And it rained. It was a grey day, which hangs like a wet blanket over us.

And I feel the strain of rifts in some relationships, and I felt lonely today though I was never alone.

Today is the anniversary of the passing of a good friends sweet baby boy. His death impacted my heart in a huge way, and today my heart hurts for my friend, who longs for her son in a way I know all too well.

Sadness seems to have set the tone for my day. Sadness and frustration.

And I have so much to say, but my brain can't get it together well enough to get it out here.

What I wouldn't give for a clear head and an unburdened heart.

What I wouldn't give to be her again....

Loss never touched her.

Grief was something that happened to other people.

Hope and excitement filled every day.

Joy and blessings were everywhere she looked.

She had so much to look forward to.

What I wouldn't give to be her again......

She has all she ever wanted.

Her cup runneth over.

With joy.

With love.

With children. Healthy, beautiful children.

Loss never touched her.

Grief happened only in the news.

Hear heart was full of praise and thanks and hope.

Her children have bright, healthy, full lives ahead of them.

All of them.

God bless her, and her ignorance.

It's true what they say, it really is bliss.

What I would give to have never been her....

Oh God. What I would give to have never, ever been her.

To have never known what it was like to hold your son after his heart beat its last beat and his lungs took their last breath. It didn't hurt at the time, it felt natural, it felt comfortable, it was something I'd been longing to do, for so long.

But I'll never regret him.....

Not in any stage of his time with us.

Not him.......

Not him.......

Not him.........

He changed me, permanently and for the good.

And I'll always, always, always want him back.

I crave him with every cell in my body.

Thoughts of him, memories of him, play like a movie reel in the back of my mind.

Every minute of every day.

Losing him was never supposed to happen.

It hit me like a Mack truck.

Shattered me.

And I look at these pictures and I can't help but think how much he looks like Landon. Which is expected because they are identical twins. And damn. Damn it. I'm supposed to have identical twins! I carried two babies! Two babies for 34 weeks and fully expected to be raising both of them.

How could he have been so sick? How could he have had such a bad heart? Its not fair.

I don't remember what it felt like to hold him. Or touch him. I never got to nurse him. Or dress him. He never saw his nursery. Or slept in his crib. Strangers never got to fawn over him. He's not in any family pictures. And I'm so angry. Because as much as I love and trust God, now, I still can't wrap my head around the "why's".

Why would God allow me to conceive, carry and deliver two beautiful boys and take one back?

There is no consolation.

My faith is a by-product. It is a guide post and a comfort.

But there is no consolation for losing Everett.

And there never will be.

I can't un-lose him.

This hole in my heart will never be filled.

This pain will never truly subside.

The injury will heal, but there will always be a scar.

A big, red, flaming, painful scar.

And I like it that way, if I can't have him back, then the scar is good, and the pain is too, because it keeps me connected to him, through my memories and pain.

I'll always be connected to this....

Be it two, or ten, or 50 years later.

I'll always be a Mama with a gaping whole in my heart and one less child then should be here.

I'll always ramble like this. I'll always have the tendency to start off one one train of thought and end up right here, pained and tearful and missing Everett.

I'll always be broken, and struggling, even when I'm happy, I'll always be changed by him.

I don't have a graceful way to wrap this up.

I wish I did.

But so you don't think I've fallen off some cliff of despair. Don't worry.

I've been here before. More times then I could count.

Even when I'm swallowed up in the darkest, stormiest waters, I have my faith.

I don't understand God, or why this happened, but I believe in Heaven, and that Everett is there, and that I will have my reunion.

God lets me grieve, wildly and passionately, and then He pulls me back.

If this post caused you pain, I'm sorry, let Him pull you back too.

There's comfort to be had, even in the midst of life's biggest tragedies.



inadvertent farmer said...

I am sorry for your loss...I followed you over here from the tattoo discussion on blogfrog. I lost identical twin girls. They were stillborn and I understand about your feeling of a hole in your heart, that is exactly how it is. It has been over 6 years since I handed my daughters to strangers to prepare for burial...yet there has not been on single day in these six year I haven't thought of them and wondered 'what if'.

The photos of your son are simply precious, Kim

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