Wednesday, March 10, 2010


It's happening again. It always does. My resolve is fading, my dedication wavering, and I'm slipping into old habits and old comforts.

I'm failing, again, at a life long struggle.

And I don't want to.

I don't know why I find losing weight so difficult. I know exactly what needs to be done, I know how to do it, but for some reason, I just can't do it. I can't make myself do what I know needs to be done. I can't get past the "feelings" and get to the actions that will ultimately bring success.

I had a few good weeks, and I got going really good there, lost 12 pounds and was feeling pretty victorious. I was feeling particularly blessed because I had asked God to join me in my endeavor to lose weight and gain health, and I truly feel he has.

So, why now do I feel like I'm backsliding? Why am I giving way to "feelings", like deprivation, anger, envy, guilt, loneliness and shame? Why am I letting these emotions win? And who's responsible for causing these emotions? Dare I say it? Some of you may snicker or scoff when I do, but I truly believe that Satan is as invested in my failure as God is in my success. Some people aren't as comfortable talking about the reality of the devil as they are of God, but he's just as real, and we are of interest to him. I feel like Satan pits me against myself, making me self loathing and self sabotaging, so I never experience the triumph and elation of God's success in my life. And because I am weak, and human, and sinful, I let him.

I want to succeed. I want to put my hopes and dreams and desires in God's hands and let him help me overcome my weakness and sin and failure. So, though I feel I'm slipping, perhaps what I am feelings is the tug of war between Satan and God for me, but I feel it internally, and it feels like conflict and strife and confusion. Thank God, for God, who guides me now in times like this, where in the past I was totally lost.

I'm wandering off of God's path. But now I can see it, and I can get back on track.

I'm wavering from God's truth in this matter and am letting Satan sway me and delude me, and thankfully I can see it, and I can turn a deaf ear to his lies, and listen only to the word of God who has never steered us wrong.

It's the cravings and the deprivation I struggle with in weight loss. Those treats and indulgences that in the past have soothed hurts and frazzled nerves and lessened the sting of loneliness, that even though I don't need them anymore, I think I do, or I think I should, and it's a hard habit to break.

1 John 2:16 says....
16 For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world.

These cravings, these emotional desires, they're not from God, but from the world, and Satan has rule of this world, so it's not a big stretch of the imagination to think they are from him, to confuse and mislead me, to keep me struggling and unhappy.

Man, how I'd love to break free of this struggle. This constant, ongoing and never fully won battle I fight with my weight and self image. God has a lot to say on these matters, and I already know all things are possible through Him, so when will I learn?

This struggle reminds me of a favorite song of mine, and it's probably a favorite song because it reminds me of me and my life. It's called Trouble by Cat Stevens, and it's so fitting.....

Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

Sounds like "Trouble" is Satan, and he's pleading to shake him off, its not easy to do. Not alone anyway.

I'm trying a few things to shake "trouble" off of me.

I'm embracing God, His word and His will, and asking for his support and guidance in my endeavor.

I'm practicing disclosure, and making this private battle more public, because hiding it in the shadows increases the shame and the guilt and only perpetuates this vicious cycle. I'm being honest about who I am and how I struggle daily, in the hopes of gaining support and encouragement, but also to maybe provide some encouragement to anyone who may be experiencing a similar battle.

I'm trying to tune out the nagging doubts and "feelings" that trip me up and bring me down, and I'm trying to not give up, or walk away when I feel its too hard or too much, it's a trick, I don't want to fall for it again.

"God give me strength to go on, to keep trying, to embrace my failures and to try again and again, and again if need be. Help me to not lean on my own understanding but to use only your word and truth to guide me. Give me the courage and heart I need to make sacrifices and to endure when it becomes uncomfortable. Let me not be swayed or fooled. Help me to achieve this personal goal, and give the glory to you alone."



Joy said...

great post! Something I can relate to. I know that you can do this <3

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