Saturday, January 9, 2010

Have a little patience....

Impatience is a tricky thing. When we decide we want something, and I mean REALLY want something, we generally want it immediately. Each and every day we have to wait cultivates a sense of dissatisfaction, and unrest. We generally begin to get consumed by what we want and get a bit of tunnel vision, nothing else seems to matter until we get that object of our desires.

I speak from experience.

Right now while I'm trying to start a new and energized life with my husband and kids, and I'm re-prioritizing and organizing and strategizing to get us all in a better place, I am distracted by want. I want something and I want it badly enough that my thoughts are consumed by it. I want it now, I don't want to wait, and I'm feeling discontent with not having it. I'm being intentionally vague with my little secret desire, but to those who know me best, its not such a secret. Anyway, what I want should wait. I know logically that waiting is best. I know logically that if I wait until the timing is better, then I'll be able to enjoy my little "want" a lot more then if I got it right now. I know all this. But it doesn't make it any easier to stop wanting and start waiting.

Sure Abraham waited and God gave him what was promised to him (Hebrews 6:15), but God hasn't promised me anything that I know of. God never said to me, "Katie if you can be patient a while longer I PROMISE I'll give you a ______." So, I don't really know that my patience will have any effect at all. I don't know that it will be rewarding. I don't really know that if I stop wanting what I want for now, that I'll get better timing and better enjoyment of it later. I think I will, I feel I will, but I don't KNOW that I will. God and I don't have a clear agreement, nothing laid out saying this is my timing, this is His timing and lets do it His way. I don't even know for sure that the incredible desire I have now for what I want is not God given! How do I know that God's not pushing me to want what I want so badly? I don't know!

What I do know, is desire is all consuming sometimes. I do know that the pursuit of some desires can distract us from what we already have and should be enjoying. And perhaps its not the desire itself that is wrong, and its not the desire itself that creates a feeling of dissatisfaction in our lives, but rather its the feeling that we have to be continuously thinking about the objects of our desire and plotting to achieve them in order to get them. But what if we did something differently?

What if we still wanted what we wanted. What if we planned accordingly, and followed the necessary steps to get what we wanted in an appropriate way, and then we just waited. What if we put it out of our minds while we waited and just gave that desire over to God, and trusted that he would take care of it. What if we trusted Him with our deepest desires, did our part, but rather then let that desire consume our every waking thought, we delegated that concern to God and trusted that he would give it over to you when the time was right. Patience and trust is what we're talking about.

I know that I personally am afraid to give my desire over to God, because I'm afraid that I won't get it, I'm afraid I won't be in control and I won't get it if I am not personally trying to manipulate things to go my way. But honestly, I'm not ever in control and no matter how much manipulating I do, I can't force God's hand or make him grant me anything outside His timing.

All my toiling and dreaming and planning and obsessing does is torture me. It makes me impatient and disgruntled and dissatisfied, and disappointed. It makes me feel futile and frustrated and saddened and hopeless, and it distracts me from the job at hand. To love my husband and my kids and to rebuild a life for them that is dependable and love filled and solid and feels like Heaven here on earth. I'm to be building a sanctuary for us from the world, and I'm to be instituting changes that will make us stronger and happier and that will build in longevity and endurance to my marriage. But when I'm distracted by desire and I'm focused on making that one desire a reality, I can't focus on the other changes that mean so much.

So, what am I to do? Stop wanting it? Not likely. Its a built in deal and I don't think I'm meant to turn it off. I think it'll turn off on its own someday and I'll know when I don't need to want it anymore ;) So, I'm going to continue to want this secret little want, but how can I do it in a way that doesn't drive me crazy and distract me from what I already have? I have to have trust and patience. I need to to trust God with this incredibly precious desire, place it in his capable hands and say "I know you know I want this badly, and I trust that in time you'll give it to me, in the meantime, I trust you to hold this concern for me, until my life is ready to recieve it", and let that be that. Then all I can do is wait. Patiently.

And of course I'll still up, get consumed by it again, and I'll need to come back to this post and remind myself that I'm being patient and I'm trusting, and that my life is already full of people and projects to keep me busy and happy and satisfied.

So here I am, wanting and waiting, and trusting.....

But man I really hope its not for long ;)



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