Sunday, January 24, 2010

This morning I tripped....

And stumbled into some grief.

I never saw it coming until I was up to my neck in tears and sadness and longing for Everett.

And now its all I can see.

What ifs.

How comes.

I wish's.

My eyes are burning and my heart weighs a ton.

Joe Purdy's singing a melancholy tune to accompany my sadness.

I'm growing every day. Each day I refine some trait I hoped to improve on. I'm stronger in faith, more diligent with my diet, a more tender mother, a more loving wife. I'm growing, by God's grace I'm changing and evolving, and most days I feel like my life is clipping along quite nicely.

Then I trip and stumble into grief I never saw coming.

Because I've got too many balls in the air, and I'm not a very good juggler to begin with.

And I'm up to my eyeballs in heart ache. Crying futile tears. Wishing childish wishes.

Wanting something I can't ever have.

Wondering why we had to go through this, and why we still have to go through this. Grief never dies. It never goes away. It just lays low a while. It lies in wait. Until you've got too many balls in the air, and you're distracted, and then you step off into it like a pot hole in the road. And all your balls come crashing down and you've got nothing to do now but address your hurt and loss. Grief gets in your face and makes you deal with it, like a bully.

Its been two years.

Might as well be two minutes.

My arms still ache for my baby, who I can barely remember holding.

My eyes still long to gaze into his, and my memory can't recall what its like enough to let me fake it.

My heart still has an Everett shaped hole, nothing can repair it.

And the world still goes about its business, completely unaffected by our loss.

The sky hardly acknowledges the burning out of one star.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to have twins anymore.

I can't imagine Landon playing with his brother who would most certainly look just like him.

My mind can't wrap itself around the future we thought we'd have. It only knows the reality we ended up with.

Its nearly more then I can stand.

But here I stand.

Enduring to grieve again. And I hate that this is so depressing. My blog all about a new bright life, will inevitably be scarred from time to time with posts about grief. Its just reality. Life won't ever be perfect. It might get brighter, I might conquer some demons, and over come some obstacles. I might lose weight. My marriage might become stronger by the day. But I'll never stop loving Everett. And posts like these will come again.



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